ExpectingWords.com - Helping expecting couples find the right words at the right times

Nowadays it’s common to hear couples say “we are pregnant” not “she is pregnant” or “I am pregnant.” I can understand the sentiment of wanting to articulate the belief that both the mother and the father share the responsibility of becoming parents. But there’s a limit to what the word means. While it does mean both of you will be in the labor and delivery room, only one of you will be pushing. When you’re out to dinner with another couple, you both excitedly tell them about the upcoming bundle of joy, but while you are exhausted and praying for the check to come so you can get home before yet another trip to the bathroom, your husband would like to go out for dessert after dinner.

The instant change from being a married couple to an expectant couple brings much joy and excitement, along with new questions and problems. Many women encounter a common dilemma: What was good for us before, doesn’t feel good anymore, but somehow, I’m the only one who realizes this.

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My husband and I were out to dinner with another couple, Sarah and Tom, who we hadn’t seen for almost a year. It was a fun night out for all of us – we had a babysitter at home with our little one and our friends had a sitter for their 2-year old. Deciding to make the most of it, we ordered a bottle of wine and joyfully lifted our glasses for a toast. Tom started, “To good friends, good health and especially to my wife Sarah who recently lost 20 pounds and looks fabulous!” Sarah’s smile instantly evaporated, leaving her with a blank stare. I knew why, yet her husband Tom didn’t have a clue. For many women, including Sarah, any comment about their weight or age is off limits. What Tom meant as a compliment embarrassed and upset Sarah. The toast was over and I quickly commented on the terrific wine we chose and opened my menu. I was pretty sure Sarah and Tom were going to have something to talk about later that night!

It’s not uncommon to find that one person in a couple is an “over-sharer” who reveals things about weight, finances, health or marital arguments that the other person wants to keep secret. It might be that the wife over-shares by telling her mom about a fight she had with her husband, or perhaps the husband tells his friends a little too much about your financial situation. Without intending any harm, people over-share because each member of a couple assumes that the other member has the same sense of what is public and what should be kept private. This assumption about identical public/private boundaries is guaranteed to cause conflict because it’s seldom that partners have the same boundaries, even when the couple absolutely love and adore each other. The only way to prevent over-sharing is to talk it out in advance and plan ahead so you and your partner protect, rather than embarrass or anger, each other. (more…)

When I learned I was pregnant, my husband and I were in joyous disbelief. Sure we had been trying, but as is true for many couples, it’s hard to believe it when it actually happens. I peed on four different sticks to make sure I was really seeing a pink line. It felt so strange to think that a little pink line represented our child. Once the reality of being pregnant sunk in, my husband and I sat down on the living room couch and talked about how drastically our lives would change with this first child. Then we talked about the most pressing issue – when to announce the pregnancy to others. We wanted to do the “right” thing, but what does right mean?

As a family mediator, author and communication expert, I put on my expert hat and developed a comprehensive list of considerations. First, the most common consideration: Waiting until the chance for miscarriage is small. By now, you probably know the critical milestones of first trimester pregnancy – seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound at 6 – 8 weeks (about 2 months) and hearing the heartbeat with a fetal monitor around your belly at 12 or 13 weeks (about 3 months). The risk of miscarriage decreases substantially after you can hear the heartbeat. If you are considering sharing the news before that, then you and your partner do need to think through how you would also handle telling people about a miscarriage. If that happened, would you want close friends or just immediate family to know so they can support and help you mentally and physically? Would you want people in your office to know so they understand why you need to take some time off? Or, would you find it difficult to receive congratulatory phone calls from friends and acquaintances to which you’d respond by sharing the painful news? Would you want it to be something that only you and your husband know because you don’t want sympathy from others? Think about how you would react to others knowing about something that is extremely personal.

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Now that you’re expecting, it’s the perfect time to tune up your communication habits. Focus on improving these five factors and you’ve put your relationship on the right path for success.

1. Verbal Communication
Remember when it was a good thing that you and your partner could finish each other’s sentences? Not anymore. If you find yourself thinking that you know what your partner’s going to say, or you know what the excuse will be, you’re on a dangerous path. You’re likely to become angry at mistakes that have a valid explanation, resentful of unintentional neglect, or even frustrated with behaviors that actually have a legitimate purpose. It’s time to stop assuming and start asking. Your new favorite words should be: Why? What? How? and “I don’t think I understand. Can you explain?” Be a detective and find out what’s really going on.

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