ExpectingWords.com - Helping expecting couples find the right words at the right times

In my recent blog post “Behind Closed Doors: Trying to Conceive,” I wrote about how insensitive people can be to those who are trying to get pregnant for a long period of time. I was surprised and impressed by my readers’ honest responses to the post. They shared their frustrating and hurtful experiences dealing with rude comments and unnecessary advice during a time that is already difficult and disappointing. Each story is compelling and reminds us how few people really think before they speak.

One comment stood out for me because I sensed that the writer’s spirit was being beaten down by the struggle and burden of her friends and family’s comments. She had a wish and I’ve decided to grant it for her, rather I’ve given her the words so she can grant it for herself.

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I just finished reading the book “Home Game: An Accidental Guide to Fatherhood” by Michael Lewis. It’s a frighteningly honest and hilarious depiction of fatherhood and all its ups and downs. What I liked best about the book was that the author, who admits to not really wanting to do the dirty work of raising kids, still does it with an open mind and, he’s pretty darn good at it (even though he doesn’t think so).

His “just do it!” attitude resounded with me because I’m so sick and tired of hearing that men can take a backseat to parenting because woman are just naturally better than men at dealing with babies. No we’re not. After a woman gives birth, God does not suddenly send her a brain download with files on how to change a diaper, hold a baby or detect when it’s sick and how to treat it. She doesn’t know any more than Dad does. Research shows that a third of parents with infants know surprisingly little about infant development

I was a bit afraid of my baby (fear of babies is not specific to men). What if I did something wrong? I didn’t know what my baby needed and if my husband asked, “do you think he pooped?” my first thought was, “you can smell his butt as well as I can.” To me, parenting is an “on the job” learning experience for both of us. (more…)

A friend of mine who has been married for four years had been trying to conceive (TTC) for half that time. She shared her ups and downs, including two devastating miscarriages with a very small group of friends. When she became pregnant for the third time, she was thrilled to announce it after the 13 week mark. Her co-worker’s response: “It’s about time!” As if she had been delaying pregnancy so she could enjoy a few more years of late night drinking binges. Clueless about her two year journey to have a baby, he put his foot in his mouth.

Before TTC myself, I just assumed that people who didn’t have babies didn’t want them and people who wanted them would get pregnant pretty easily. I’d learned about how babies are made in sixth grade health class and my knowledge really hadn’t been updated since.

But once I entered the strange secret land of TTC, I realized that there was a world of information I didn’t know. It quickly dawned upon me that appearances can be deceiving. When I met a couple without kids, I realized they may or may not have chosen this family structure. People don’t publicly announce that they’ve been trying for 16 months, or that they’re infertile, or that the guy has a low sperm count, or that she’s taking Clomid and has been picked and prodded twenty times in the last month. There’s a natural tendency to keep this information secret.

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Before I was pregnant I couldn’t imagine why anyone would watch those weird TV shows about people having a baby. You know those TLC babyfests, “A Baby Story” and “Bringing Home Baby,” where the couple is so excited to have a baby, they cry of joy when the baby arrives, and then they seem slightly desperate and anxious when they have to care for the baby at home. My brief summary would work for any one of the episodes in either series. The shows are all the same and totally boring! Or so I thought.

Then one day I was pregnant and everything took on a new light. What was the mom eating while pregnant? How did she look in her maternity clothes? What crib would they buy? Is she going to nurse? Was her husband more or less involved than my husband? Would they use the dresser as a changing table or buy a separate one? It was like all of sudden I saw the details in the story. And every parent’s choice was different.

By my second trimester I was addicted. I DVR’d both series. By month eight I had seen every episode and I know this because every one was a repeat beyond that point. I begged my husband to watch some of the best episodes with me. He forced himself to oblige. Perhaps he knew that anything could happen if he refused. (more…)