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You would think that a baby brings a couple closer together, think again. A shocking new study reveals that 90 percent of couples say their relationships are worse after their first baby.

The researchers followed more than 200 couples for eight years after their wedding and found that the birth of the first baby was followed by more problems in communication, including increased criticism, withdrawal and self-reported lack of communication. In addition, couples suffered from decreases in confidence that the marriage would last and declines in overall satisfaction with the marriage, said Brian Doss, assistant psychology professor at Texan A&M University and one of the authors of the study.

Romantic Couples Suffer Most
When I interviewed Dr. Doss and I asked him which types of couples suffered the most, I held out hope that couples who had a good relationship before the birth were less likely to suffer afterward. Not so. The study found that spouses who were the most romantic before the birth of their child found the transition to parenthood the most difficult. “Couples who were really enjoying a lot of the quality time they were spending before birth had a lot more to lose,” Doss said. He and colleagues Galena Rhoades, Scott Stanley and Howard Markman of the University of Denver published their work in a recent issue of “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.” The study was funded by the National Institutes of Health.

Unplanned versus Planned Pregnancies
Interestingly, the researchers found that there was no difference in marital satisfaction for couples with unplanned versus planned pregnancies. “As previous research suggests,” said Doss, “what matters is whether or not the couple is excited by the time the baby is born. If they are motivated and ready to bring this child in the world, it makes no difference whether the baby was planned.”

Couples with Girls Do Worse
Couples who have girls had a greater deterioration in their relationship. Doss said that other studies attribute this to fathers being generally less involved in the care of a daughter as opposed to a son. Since division of labor is often one of the biggest obstacles couples face after a baby arrives, a father’s reduced involvement in the care of a girl just exacerbates the issue.

Doss points out that household chore conflicts also tend to get worse post-pregnancy. “During the pregnancy, men are suddenly more involved in household duties because the woman can’t physically do all that she did before. That honeymoon period ends after the birth.”

Longer Married Couples Do Better
The research showed that if the couple was married longer before having a child, their relationship fared better than others. That could be due to having the time to work out household chore responsibilities and determine financial priorities before the baby arrived. However, if the couple lived together before marriage, their relationship tended to suffer from more communication problems when the first child joined the family. Researchers are currently exploring whether there is a difference in the quality of the relationship between couples who live together and “slide” into marriage instead of “deciding” to marry. The idea is that couples who live together might find it easier to marry than to break-up. Thus, a less than wonderful relationship becomes a marriage.

Should You Have a Child?
“Having a baby brings on a sudden and dramatic change in a relationship, but after eight years after marriage, there is not much difference between parents and non-parents,” said Doss. Relationships eventually tend to go downhill anyway. I must admit that this reasoning isn’t the best for having a child, but there is a lesson here. Loving each other is not enough to make a relationship last. After a baby we are pulled in so many directions and the relationship falls to the back burner. Similarly, for couples without kids, they also eventually take each other for granted and become distant. Ignoring our relationship comes at a cost.

That’s why we have to make a choice to make our relationship a priority. We need to be open and honest with our partner about what we are feeling and thinking during and after a pregnancy (or partner’s pregnancy). We must talk about childcare and household tasks before the baby comes. Pregnancy is not just the time to prepare for the baby, it’s the time to prepare for the family, which includes strong parents who love their child and each other.

Is There Any Hope?
Yes! Their study showed that about 15 percent of fathers and 7 percent of mothers ended up more satisfied with their marriage after birth. Who are those people? They are the ones with good communication, who don’t judge, criticize or shut down. Good communication skills breeds confidence in the relationship and the ability to find workable solutions to dividing child and household tasks. Professor Doss points out that while childbirth classes prepare parents for the birth process, few if any prepare parents for the couple relationship changes. “We might want to look at improving communication skills and relationship issues during childbirth classes, where usually both parents are present. If we start to introduce these concepts and get couples aware of the challenges they will face, it could be more beneficial than the breathing exercises they learn.”

As a family and divorce lawyer-mediator, relationship communications expert, wife and mom of a beautiful boy, I will offer some suggestions for couples who want to be part of that small percentage who keep their love alive after the birth of a child.

1. Don’t act like things are fine when they aren’t. Every couple goes through rough times, but it’s the ones who speak up who can move to better times. Be honest, but turn it into a positive like “I love you and I want us to have a strong partnership, but sometimes I feel like I have too much on my plate and I need you to pitch in more.” Let that be the start of a negotiation about division of labor.
2. If you feel disconnected from your mate, start physically connecting. Hug your partner when he or she enters the house. Kiss your partner a few times a day and especially before bed. Make it a point to touch each other as often as possible.
3. Show appreciation. Every person wants to feel valued and appreciated, especially by their lover. Instead of focusing on what your partner does wrong, pay attention to what your partner does right and comment on it. For example, if your partner diapers and dresses the baby but chooses an outfit that you don’t like, don’t criticize his choice. Instead, say “thank you” and keep in mind that your partner was helpful and spent time with the baby.

Trust, honesty, respect and appreciation are the building blocks of a lasting, loving relationship. The transition from two to three, or four or five… will be easier and more joyful if you pay attention to the foundation and keep it strong.

For additional information on this topic and Dr. Doss’s study read CNN’s report, “Hunting for the secrets of a happy marriage“.

Now tell me what you think? Did you find the results of this study alarming? Does it help to know that there is hope?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 12th, 2009 at 2:29 pm and is filed under Baby Prep, Health & Wellness, Roles & Responsibilities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.