Are We Mismatched?
Posted by Laurie
I’ve noticed in my mediation practice that it’s quite common for a spouse to tell me that the relationship was fine until they had kids, and then….”my husband’s flaws blew up in my face!” I usually tell people that those flaws existed before you had children, but you didn’t notice them because forgetting to buy a tape measure doesn’t compare to the impending disaster of forgetting to buy diapers, and being tired and uninterested in cooking dinner is much less harmful than being too tired to bother giving your kid a bath or being too lazy to buy babyproof covers for the outlets. The flaws always existed, but the consequences are much worse when children are affected.
Where does this insight lead us? Since I’m in the same boat as everyone else when it comes to having discovered these new, but old flaws in my mate and myself, I’ll tell you how I handle the dilemma. First, I am a lot more forgiving than I used to be. Both my husband and I have been thrown into a new situation with a baby and until now we hadn’t felt the pressure to fix our flaws. Before baby, my lack of organization might mean I’d pay a bill late, but now that same flaw means I can’t find my son’s immunization record 5 minutes before we head to the pediatrician. It takes time to see how our own flaws affect our kids. That’s why I’m headed to Staples later today to buy a file cabinet. Recognizing my own flaws humbles me so that I’m a lot less annoyed at my husband’s flaws (which he is also trying to fix).
Not only am I more forgiving of flaws, I’m also a lot more aware of how we communicate with each other about the flaws and other mishaps that are the natural part of couple-hood and parenting. Since there are more opportunities to bicker, it’s become incredibly important that we handle those disagreements with tact and skill. This means taking stock of our natural communication styles. On this blog, we just launched a tremendously important quiz that helps you find out your own style. Are you a pushover, a diplomat or a director? Each communication style has its strengths and weaknesses. If both you and your mate take the quiz, then you can find out how your styles interact, for better or worse, and what to do about it. You can get started on the 10-question quiz now.
We can improve, reduce and fix some of our flaws, but there will always be those glitches that linger on for decades. How we handle and talk about those glitches can be the difference between a happily married couple and a divorced couple.
How do you and your mate talk about flaws? Are you more or less forgiving since pregnancy and/or parenthood? If you took the quiz, were the results on target?
This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 20th, 2010 at 4:22 pm and is filed under Balance & Fairness, Roles & Responsibilities, Verbal Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
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