Are You a Bossy Mom?
Posted by Laurie
I promised to be a little more patient and my husband promised to be a little faster. That’s the compromise we reached once it became clear that I had gotten used to barking orders: “Get the washcloth! Bring me the bottle! Go find him the tiny little stuffed dog he loves that is usually in his crib but not here right now!” Yes, I mean those exclamation points.
I’m hoping I’m not the only one who suffers from I-Had-a-Baby-and-Turned-Into-a-Barking-Dog syndrome.
According to new research that I wrote about in another post, 90 percent of couples say their relationship is worse since they had a baby. I suspect it’s because life tends to feel like an emergency all the time when there’s a baby or toddler around. The sense of urgency means many of us push niceties, tactfulness, and respect to the side for the greater good (the child).
I read a story a few months ago about a mom who was bathing her three young kids in the tub, and once they were nearly all clean, IT happened. The youngest pooped in the tub. I can only imagine what the mom yelled to her husband in that moment. She ended up having to take them out, clean the tub, and then bathe them all again. I think she would deserve a pass on any barked orders.
But the truth is that in general, a child does not equal a state of emergency, and I have to remind myself of this for the other greater good (my marriage). If I don’t have that exact toy my son wants for another five minutes, he can just deal with that, and so should I. If my back is hurting because I’ve been holding the kid for too long and my husband wants to go to the bathroom and wash his hands and change out of his work clothes before taking over, I should just put the child down. So what if he whines for a few minutes? (It’ll be my husband’s job to deal with our son’s bad mood when he gets out of the bathroom anyway, but don’t tell him I said that!)
Mostly, I need to remember that words like “Please,” “Thank you,” “Would you mind…?” and “Do you think you could…?” are meant for the man I love, too, not just for strangers helping me in a store or taking my order at a restaurant.
I’m curious to know if other moms have barked more orders since having a baby. What’s the worst thing you’ve barked? Do you try to say “Please” and “Thank you” to your honey? Would you consider yourself a bossy mom? Is your mate a bossy dad?
(This post originally appeared as Laurie’s guest post on Babycenter.com’s Momformation blog)
Other Posts You Might Like:
Why I Hired the Television Babysitter
Breastfeeding is a Man’s Job Too
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 at 4:00 am and is filed under Emotional Support, Verbal Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
I’m so guilty of this!! Hubby and I have talked about it and sometimes he has to bring it up to remind me of my manners. Now that our son is 2 we have both relaxed a bit and have given in to life no longer being a ’state of emergency’. Thank goodness the little one has adjusted to that
When my oldest was little I was always telling her, “Hurry up.” When she got into school the teacher could never figure out why she was always in a hurry to get things done. I had to confuse that it was my fault and i learned to quite teaching her that. Trouble is she is still is in a hurry, but at least I saved the two other daughter by changing.
Debbie
I am guilt of this as well. i think it comes from trying to do too much. I can hear it in my son they way he addresses his younger sister. In the past few months I have been more focused on changing and it is a battle I am determined to win. So i have been removing stressors and stay calm more…the 1-2-3 rule helps before I speak.
This is both good and cute.
It’s good because you’re being honest with yourself and have already found your own solution.
It’s cute because looking from the perspective of a veteran mother of 3, I know it goes away. If you can, just imagine you’ve gone through all of it before, twice, and that this is your 3rd baby.
If your husband hasn’t left, you must also be doing something right, so take a deep breath and congratulate yourself on doing the best you can.
Regards,
Ronit
You have written all the thoughts which I always had in my mind. You are right. I have a daughter who is now 4 years old and after 4 years of always trying to get everything in place on time, I have screamed at my hubby many times. But I would admire all the patience that he always showed to me and now I have become a little clam and cool.
Oh .. im guilty of this too. I couldnt believe it when I read it that I was looking into a mirror. My husband mentioned it to me a coupla time.. but reading it here I can see it. Its a timely reminder to use the ‘niceties’ for our family not just our public face.
I bet my husband is not going to believe my transformation when he walks in the door tonite.
Thanks for make the world a better place, Laurie,
Cheer Kerry Beare
you have hit the nail on the head! it’s the whole state of emergency thing that really gets me stressed…i have 3 kids, 8, 6 and 6 months and i’m always panicking or rushing…and as you say the manners go go out the window…i guess we all need to think – what is more important, dashing around madly for some self imposed need to get everything done asap? or learning to chill a bit and realise that looking after the kids IS the most important thing, not getting somewhere or cleaning up something or whatever…and just be mindful and enjoy each (most) moment!!