Behind Closed Doors: Trying To Conceive
Posted by Laurie
A friend of mine who has been married for four years had been trying to conceive (TTC) for half that time. She shared her ups and downs, including two devastating miscarriages with a very small group of friends. When she became pregnant for the third time, she was thrilled to announce it after the 13 week mark. Her co-worker’s response: “It’s about time!” As if she had been delaying pregnancy so she could enjoy a few more years of late night drinking binges. Clueless about her two year journey to have a baby, he put his foot in his mouth.
Before TTC myself, I just assumed that people who didn’t have babies didn’t want them and people who wanted them would get pregnant pretty easily. I’d learned about how babies are made in sixth grade health class and my knowledge really hadn’t been updated since.
But once I entered the strange secret land of TTC, I realized that there was a world of information I didn’t know. It quickly dawned upon me that appearances can be deceiving. When I met a couple without kids, I realized they may or may not have chosen this family structure. People don’t publicly announce that they’ve been trying for 16 months, or that they’re infertile, or that the guy has a low sperm count, or that she’s taking Clomid and has been picked and prodded twenty times in the last month. There’s a natural tendency to keep this information secret.
I bring this up simply because it’s so easy to be insensitive when in the midst of announcing one’s own pregnancy or celebrating someone else’s. “My fish can swim!” said my husband after announcing my pregnancy to his friends. “Um, honey,” I said later in private, “for all you know they could be trying too. What if his fish can’t swim? Maybe you could choose better words to show your excitement.”
There are a lot of emotions that go along with infertility and there’s no need to make it worse. Kat, a woman who’s been TTC since February 2008, writes about this in her blog “My Struggles with Infertility.” A recent entry describes her feelings after getting more bad news from her doctor.
To some I know this just seems like a minor setback, but to me, it’s just ONE more thing to add to the pile of crap I’ve already dealt with. I’ve been so happy lately, but one step into the Doctor’s office, I turn into the angry, sad, bitter, “why me” girl that I hate.
I called Hottie [her husband] after the appointment crying. I told him I would understand if he wanted to leave me and be with someone fertile. He of course told me that was a really stupid thing to say, but for the most part, I meant it. I hate that my current issues are causing Hottie to not be able to have a biological child. I hate how infertility treatment makes me feel. If it weren’t for Hottie’s dream to have a child that looked like the two of us, I’d walk away now, and throw myself completely into adoption, and nothing else.
I hate the reminder that my body is broken, and that is what every Doctor appointment is. A big fat reminder.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t celebrate our own pregnancies, but I am saying that we should be a little more sensitive to others who aren’t part of that celebration just yet.
Do you agree? If you choose to keep your fertility struggles secret, why did you make that decision? What was it like to hold on to that secret in the midst of others who expected you to already have a baby?
UPDATE 7/27 – Due to an overwhelming response to this blog post I wrote a follow-up piece, Struggling to Conceive: How to Halt the Advice-Givers.
This entry was posted on Monday, July 13th, 2009 at 7:34 pm and is filed under Emotional Support, Public vs. Private, TTC (Trying To Conceive). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
I am finally pregnant with our second child. Our oldest will be 7 1/2 when the baby is born. I wish I had a dollar for every unthinking person who asked me if we had just the one and then proceded to tell me she really needed a sibling.
I am not sure what has to happen to make people think before they speak. I know they mean no harm, but they have no idea what they are saying.
This weekend my MIL mentioned that grandma and aunts were asking about when I was going to get pregnant. The question was “When are they going to get going?” And I thought to myself… seriously. I just got married in February. I’m in the 35+ club. Don’t people realize that getting pregnant is hard? Everybody knows we want to have kids, so why would the assumption be that we’re not trying?
Here’s the thing. I am actually pregnant, but I’m not far enough along to be “out” yet. I know the question was asked with good intentions, but I did find myself moderately offended – for me and for everyone out there who’s going through a rough time.
This post is truly appreciated! My husband and I have been TTC for a little over two years now, and have been with a fertility specialist for about 6 months. People can be so insensitive and this is such a hard process.
There is a woman at work who says things like “Ooh, You’re getting fat! Are you pregnant?” When she knows the trouble we’ve been having. And every time I start a sentence with the words “Guess what” she shouts, “You’re pregnant!” I have taken to responding with “No, I’m not and I really don’t want to talk about it. It’s something that upsets me” because I want her to know how insensitive she’s being. Somehow another co-worker (close friend) and I got on the subject and I mentioned that I was rather proud of how I was holding up. She responded with a dubious glance and mentioned that yeah I did fine as long as nobody talked about it, and I should be grateful cause things could be worse. I could be like her sister-in-law who has had 3 miscarriages. Just because I haven’t had a miscarriage doesn’t mean that my plight isn’t hard enough. Arghh!
Im 26 years old and have had one miscarrige and a still born just 3 months ago and the questions and answers that come my way never cease to amaze me. The first time i wasnt that far along so i had not spread the news outside of my close friend. The second time i was 7 1/2 months and pretty much everyone that knew me (work or personal) knew how happy I was to be pregnant. After i came back to work the questions started .. ‘What did you have? How old is the baby now? I had repeated the same thing over so much that i had a little speech ready…short and to the point. Then people got bolder and bolder! Their response kept getting more and more insensitive. I had a close friend say: ‘Whats wrong with you, arent you able to carry a baby?’ Mind you those word were spoken from a woman working on her 6th child. Are you serious? Im just reaching out and seeing that I’m in a bubble all alone. I just wish that people would think before they speak, my heart broke right then and there I couldnt even respond to that. Each day has been a working progress and I just recently learned that I am pregnant again. I have yet to break the news because Im scared .. of the what if’s..but mostly of people insensitve remarks this go round. Its nice to know that others have been the same road I am on now. It gives me hope and a sense of sanity knowing its not my fault. Everything happens for a reason.
Girls i understand how it is to be infertile, but we should by no means expect others to be less excited when they get pregnant. It may hurt you when they come out with being pregnant because it may seem like it happened so easily for them. But they to may have struggles so be happy for them don’t try and tone it down its a joyous occasion no matter whom it happens to. Also ladies don’t forget the joy of trying do not make sex a chore.
Thanks
Chris
Chris,
You make a good point about the fact that when someone announces a pregnancy, we have no idea how long a journey it was for her to reach this point. Yes, one should express excitement for her and not bemoan her “success” because of one’s own envy. However, I’m not sure you took full notice of the whole message of this blog post and the wonderfully honest comments. The main point is that we are asking people to be sensitive to those who might secretly be trying to conceive. This doesn’t mean not expressing joy for one’s own pregnancy. Rather, it’s about refraining from unnecessary busybody comments like “doesn’t your four year old need a sibling?” or “so why did you decide to wait so long to have kids?” or “really, adoption? I would never adopt!” The nosy questions are based on the idea that if someone wanted a child, he or she would have one, easily.
Your point about not making sex a chore is interesting. I think a lot of healthy couples have a problem with that. Can you or anyone else share any suggestions on how to try to conceive for what might be years, without making sex a chore?
Laurie
Well said, Laurie.
I was one that always asked those questions. Until we started trying to conceive and found it to be harder for us than for our friends. (which all seemed to end up with oops babies!) It’s truly such a personal thing, and hopefully this post will help others realize that comments can hurt.
The answer I started giving back was that we were just waiting on God to give us our blessing.
(stumbled for you!)
My husband and I have been ttc for 3.5 years. I find that everyone wants to ask insensitive questions, from family members to complete strangers. “Why don’t you have kids?” “When are you going to have kids?” “Don’t you like kids?” I am not especially private about my infertility, but I don’t really want to get into a discussion about my uterus with every aunt, friend, and stranger. I second all the discouraging emotions that come along with infertility issues. It’s really, really difficult. I wish there was a way to let others know how insensitive their comments are, without divulging my own struggles. I appreciate you spreading the word to increase people’s awareness and sensitivity. Good luck to everyone out there going through these struggles, both out in the world and behind closed doors.
My husband and I have been trying for a year now. In that time 5 of my friends have become pregnant. 3 of them oops. While I am very happy and wxcited for them it hurts so bad that it is not me. Every time people ask when are we finally going to have kids we just tell them when the time is right. Its really none of their business the struggles we are facing. That is one of the most personal things someone could have the nerve to question about. We waited 4 years before we started trying never dreaming it would be this difficult. Now we regret our wasted time.
I have had some issues dealing with this topic. Having an terminating a pregnancy, losing a child, and now TTC I understand what people go through. I feel that it is no one business what I am dealing with. Some people are insensitive and have no clue of the process and how it feels to go through it. When I lost the baby I was very emotional. There really wasn’t many people that knew that I was pregnant. Then to lose, that was terrible, the people who did know where very supportive. On the other hand, I had someone say, you can try again. It is not that simple. Now, I am going through fertility treatment and waiting to find out the results. It is crazy. I have chose not to tell that many people, only those in my inner circle because if it is not successful, I don’t want to be hurt and I don’t want my friends to hurt either. Pregnancy is a wonderful experience but there is a chance so many things can go wrong. This is one reason why I wish not to share what is goin on with others. It is my business not the entire world.
My wife and I have been TTC for 4.5 years. It is our 5 year wedding anniversary this weekend. We have tried it all and are about to give it up. I still get the regular insensitive comments from all types of negative people. I now respond with the most blatantly offensive thing that can come to mind, usually some assumption on their physical appearance, marital status, financial situation, and occasionally just random obscene gestures that make them as uncomfortable as they just made me.
It is not right, I know, but it helps!
I figure if they are going to jump right into my business they better be prepared for the answer, then next time, maybe they wont be so inconsiderate.
Just trying to help the next guy.
My husband and I are currently TTC and we have hit many bumps on the road – including a false positive on a pregnancy test. The hardest part of all this comes from the family. At first, we kept our attempts a secret because we didn’t want to deal with people knowing. Of course, then people would say how much better off we were waiting to have children – without knowing the struggles we were facing. When we finally told everyone we were trying – all the advice automatically generates.
I can’t stand it when people give me advice about how to have a baby. “Don’t try so hard” they say. “Are you taking your temp daily?” they ask. I can’t stand it. No one knows what we are going through, except for two other people. Personally, it’s none of their business. I wish I could find a nice way to tell them to back off and butt out – but I can’t. Instead I sit there with my mouth shut and it keeps on going. I think everyone should read this article. It’s ridiculous what we have to go through with people who have no knowledge of our struggles to get pregnant.
Hello Readers,
Thank you for all of your amazingly honest comments. I wrote a follow up blog post answering one of your questions about what to say to halt the advice-givers when you’re trying to conceive. I’m interested hearing what advice you would give the reader in that dicey situation. Here’s the link: http://expectingwords.com/struggling-to-conceive-how-to-halt-the-advice-givers
Thank you for contributing to this blog. Your insights help others!
Laurie
My boyfriend and I have been TTC for around two months. I know you have to be thinking ” two months? Ha! you have noo idea” but I just recently told my other half ” if I knew it would be this hard we wouldn’t have wasted so much money on condoms” We’ve been together for 6 years now. I’m turning 21 next month, I love kids and we’re noth ready to become parents.I came on here for some words of advice and I cant’t help but be scared. I really thought pregnancy would happen immediately. I know now that so many women have waited longer than I could even imagine. It hurts me to think about what they (you) maybe going through. I definitely love to talk about TTC I love getting advice from mothers and the main thing I hear is “don’t try to hard” How can I not? It’s like..either you’re trying or your not in my opinion. I just can’t wait to have our little one, our family. I really have no diea where this was going. Just wanted to share my story. Good luck to everyone else who is TTC. thank you to everyone who offers kind words of encouragement and advice!
Amber I’m totally in your boat my fiance and I have been together 6 years and we always were trying so hard to not h ave a baby and well i hurt so badly because we’ll we’ve been trying but just by whenever we have intercourse. Not forced whats so ever well I’m not skinny and I keep reading that being overweight decreases your chances of getting pregant. Well there was a time when my fiacne and I were going through some hard time and he cheated and ended up concieveing a child with someone else from a one night stand and my fiance doesn’t seem to understand it doesn’t just happen one time for everyone and now I feel like I’ll never be the mother of his cchildren and I cry so hard about it. I just wish I had someone to help me through this as it gets harder everyday. We are getting married 10.10.10 and I know that nothing can keep us apart but the thought of not being able to concieve with him hurts me more than anything in the world. Sorry for the typos. Please someone help me calm down.. I want to be positive as usually about everything else I am but this is my weakness.
Mrs. Stewart
Just five minutes ago I was forced to listen to the loudest conversation right outside of my office door of 3 of my coworkers announcing the pregnancy of one of them. Two of these women, along with many other coworkers know that I have suffered multiple miscarriages (five to be exact, the last one after seeing the heartbeat 3 times at almost 11 weeks). And not long ago, one of the few men that I work with, stops in my office door and says “Guess what we are expanding our family! This is someone I’m not close with. He knows we have no children and has no idea why. The journey ended for us 7 months ago after our last miscarriage because I can’t make it through one more. And I’m 44. We did 7 shot cycles including 4 IUIs, 2 IVFs leaving us with 11 supposedly great embryos, all of which failed to thaw properly in our 1 frozen attempt. Our last pregnancy was natural and was caused by a genetic abnormality. Sorry, I just had to get that off my chest. I just can’t believe that women can’t have a little more sympathy. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, I just want them to think! Take your conversation somewhere else. I don’t think anyone really thinks that my miscarriages are a big deal. They were actually a life-altering deal. After going through this for five years we don’t have the energy for adoption. I work with a lot of women, so there have been several pregnancies while I have been going through this. Sometimes it’s hard just to come to work. I try really hard to be happy for other’s good fortune, I’m just asking for some sensitivity.
I personally am not going to have children. I’ve always wanted to but I married an older man that had a vasectomy before I met him. We’ve been married for almost 25 years and I have been waiting for the day that one of my stepdaughters has a baby.
They are both in their 30’s and have been trying for some time now. I know how upsetting and difficult it is for them. For all the reasons most of you have posted. I found this web site because I was trying to find something comforting to say to them. I try not to bring it up but also want them to know I am there if they want to talk. And we do talk about it when they bring it up but I’m so afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing.
I know most of you are going to hate to hear me say this but I honestly believe stressing out about it and ‘trying too hard’ really does make it harder. I know that saying don’t stress about it doesn’t make the stress go away but I can’t tell you how many people I know that had been trying for years and then gave up and as soon as they ’stopped trying’ because they were going to start the adoption process or even adopted a child they suddenly became pregnant.
I know enough to not say ’stop trying so hard’ to my stepdaughters but I would love to hear some suggestions for something I can say to them that won’t make them upset. One of them is so stressed over it that she is making herself sick. I just can’t seeing her being able to conceive being that stressed.
Is there anything I can say to comfort them? Is there anything anyone has said to any of you that wasn’t insensitive?
I hope all of you that are trying to conceive are blessed with a healthy baby.
Looking for a woman in her mid 30’s to early 40’s who is trying to conceive. Maybe they’ve spent a lot of time and money and still no baby… but they are still trying and haven’t given up yet. Please send me a message: julie.taylor@momlogic.com. Thank you!
I personally do not understand why the topic of infertility is taboo and carries such shame or secrecy. I guess each person has their own way of dealing with this subject. I welcome all questions and comments and use them as a way to educate those who do not understand this emotional roller coaster that we ride. If someone says something blatantly rude, I am blatantly rude right back. But like most of you have noted, the majority of comments or questions are just for conversation, or out of concern or curiosity and not meant to be malicious.
I have been TTC for almost 3 years now and have been through almost every procedure imaginable. I’ve had 5 m/c’s at various stages as well as 1 tubal pregnancy. So yes, I speak from experience here.
Throughout my struggles with infertility, I have always talked about what I am going through with family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers. Had I not shared, I would have had to mourn those losses pretty much alone. I found it much more helpful to have the support of everyone around me.
I have often started up a conversation with a co-worker or neighbor, just to find out that they went or are going through treatment, too, but were afraid to talk about it.
Many times I hear women say after a m/c that they just can’t bear to go on and try again. Again, I respond in the opposite way there. I get angry and even more determined and jump back in for the next round as soon as medically possible. I think I will know when it’s time to call it quits, but for now, I’m more determined than ever.
If you can’t bring yourself to share with family and friends, then at least join a support group hosted by your RE. Or share with people you meet on line who truly understand. I think if you just try to change your way of thinking about it, it may be easier to handle.
Just my two cents.
Thanks, and don’t give up hope! You never know what life has in store for you. It may not be exactly what you had planned, but you WILL get to the point that it all makes sense someday!
Hi there. I am now 38. I been trying since I was 34. Still no luck. I have done 3 ivf’s and 2 FET’s. One of them I got a chemical pregnancy.
I think dealing with the pain and the fear of being infertile is the biggest hurdle. When other ladies announces their pregnancy I often have a “panic attacks”, it last for a few minutes. It is NOT that you are angry with them or NOT happy for them, it is simply your own pain of feeling like an alien that can’t have a baby yourself.
Depression has happen to me after failed ivf’s, the hope has been so high and the failure been absolutly crushing. I am dead scared of never becoming a mum. What a boring life that would be.
If people ask me I suppose I don’t tell a lot, it is just to painful. And people ask a lot!!!!!!! I usually put up a brave face and act like I don’t care, but I do.
I have countless cries after peoples insensitve remarks but I always walk away and have a cry in the bathroom. I know though that most people would not do that if they knew what we been through, they just don’t think.
I get tired of being strong, I am sick of waiting. I been patient for so many years now. When will it be my turn? Will it?
Abviously age is an important factor here as well. My time is running out and that freaks me out. I got so much to give.
Sorry if I am a bit pessimistic.
I got two embryos in the freezer which I am about to transfer one back. Please let this be my little miracle!!!!!!!!!!!
My partner and i have been TTC for a while now with a donor.We’ve been together five years. Im in my early 20’s and partner just about to hit 30. We have this great set up, the kind you hear about. ‘Nice house, financially stable, dog, cat. Good Jobs, family car’ and all thats missing is a ‘Family’. Since starting, iv cut back on everything. Tried to lead a more healthier lifestyle and sometimes it just feels as though its all for nothing. When the likes of my friend, drinks, smokes, partial to drugs, well she went out this Christmas, one night stand. And wham shes now 4 months pregnant! Shes not got a good set up, no job and still lives with her gran, aged 25 (NOT THAT, THAT MATTERS) however i just feel, people who are lucky in certain aspects of life, Aren’t so lucky in others! Everywhere i seem to turn now, friends/family are falling pregnant and yet we seem to struggle. AF is due in 2 days, heres hoping this is our month. I think after this, we are planning on giving up on this. Going back to the doctors and possibly a fertility clinic as a last resort. We’re in the process of discussing adoption. Although it would be the best feeling in the world to biologically have a child of our own, we could still make a difference to another child’s life. And that must be just as good feeling.