Boy or Girl? Does It Matter?
Posted by Laurie
Do you ever really get over not having the baby boy or baby girl you dreamed of?
My friend Denise, blogger at Confessions of a Mean Mommy, is a a mom to two boys. She still daydreams and writes about about the girl she never had. It’s kind of sad that she bemoans what she’s missing when she has so much to be grateful for. But then again, I can’t blame her. I’m a mom to one boy and I do admit that I hold out hope for a girl in my future.
When I first found out I was having a boy, I was kind of stunned. How would I raise a boy? Would we be close? Would he turn to me for advice? Would he eventually go to college and not call me for weeks on end? My husband said I was being silly. Lots of boys call their moms. He talks to his mom at least once a week.
But still, how would I raise a boy when I’d never experienced what it was like to be a boy? Is it possible to unintentionally smother him with love? I actually came home from the ultrasound and googled “how to raise a boy.” Turns out my search led to an answer.
I found the book The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashburn and it entirely changed my mind and attitude about having a boy. The authors explain that culturally, mothers are so afraid of turning their boys into “mama’s boys,” that they stop trying to be close with their sons (who, they say, desperately want advice and affection from their mothers, even in the teen years). They review history, film, mythology and literature to make their point. I loved this book and highly recommend it for any pregnant woman expecting a boy (or waiting until birth to find out the sex), or for any parent of a boy.
I also asked my mom friends of boys, what’s it like to raise a boy? Is it different from raising a girl? Some said it’s sooooo different right from birth, others entirely disagreed. I suppose each child is an individual first, his or her gender second.
Whatever happens in my future pregnancy, I will love my child, boy or girl, as much as is motherly possible.
Are you expecting a boy or girl? Were you happy or sad when you found out the gender? If you are already a parent, have you found that raising a boy is different from raising a girl? How so?
This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 6th, 2010 at 11:33 am and is filed under Baby Prep, Emotional Support. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
Hi Laurie,
But I do look at this as a great opportunity to raise good guys, who know who to treat and respect women. That’s certainly something I have experience with and can teach them.
Great post and thanks for the book recommendation. As the mom of one boy (and another boy on the way) this is something I think about a lot. In general, it seems boys are easier than girls – less social drama, less clothing issues, and generally less conflict with their mothers. Plus, I won’t have to share my shoes or jewelry with anyone!
I do agree with what you wrote, that kids are individuals first, and gender is secondary. My son is a really sweet, loving boy with his own personality. I don’t think of him so much as “male” but just as him, with all his quirks and things I love about him. I epecially realize this now, being pregnant with another boy. It’s hard to imagine having another child, much less a boy, since I’m so used to the one I have!
I’m looking forward to seeing what other commenters have to say as well.
Julie
Hi Julie,
My boy is also a nice, sweet kid. He’s doesn’t hit and has never said “mine.” I think it’s just his nature. I’ve seen plenty of little boys and girls who MUST have their way or they go nuts. That is definitely not gender related.
QUESTION: This is a personal question, so you don’t have to answer, but I’m wondering, since you already had a boy, did you do anything *different* to try to have a girl? I have two friends who tried to have a girl. Worked for one, not for the other.
I wonder if trying for a girl is like getting involved in a process that we shouldn’t really have a say in. Can it lead to more feelings of guilt or disappointment if things don’t go the way one wants?
Julie, or anyone else, please answer. Thanks.
Laurie,
I LOVE that you point out how boys need their mothers, their affection, their advice, even as they grow into teenhood. Funnily enough, I just got off the phone with my sister, who has an almost 18-year-old son. They are very close, and I think it’s great that her formerly-little boy, about to head to college, still calls his mom most often when he’s confused or anxious or upset. I hope it’s always like that with my boys! (Which, unless I’ve miscounted around here, I only have TWO of, not three!).
Boys rock. Girls have better clothes, but boys are awesome.
Denise
Thanks Denise! Sorry I invented a third kid for you! He’ll be “edited out” today.
Boys do rock. And we moms do need to keep up the affection, advice and friendship with them as they age, even if they don’t return every call. I always want to be able to ask my son, “so…are you dating anyone special?”
I’m also a mom of two crazy little guys and I love them dearly, but sort of long for a little more estrogen in the house. The hubs and I do want to have more kids, and while I’d love to have a girl, that doesn’t mean I’d be disappointed with another boy.
It does seem to me that girls have more drama, even at a young age. But boys are wilder, at least with my experience. I think there is good and bad in both and it’s all about how you deal with it as a parent.
PS I’m with Denise, girls have better clothes, but boys do rock!
I had 3 daughters and never have felt like I missed out. I think there is reason we are blessed with the children we have and i don’t worry about the why’s. Now I have the 3 daughters and between them there are 6 grand kids, 5 girls and 1 little guy. Have to say I enjoy them all, but it is fun to see how different the little guy is. Even though he loves vacuum cleaners, He has a fit every time mom puts it away. He is 2 years old.
There all special little people and it doesn’t matter to me whether they come in dress or pants.
Debbie
I’ve been blessed with a daughter and two sons. Growing up with two brothers, I was fearful of raising a daughter (kind of the reverse situation to Laurie).
I’ve come to see them as individuals, regardless of gender. I love doing typical “female” things with my daughter (9 yrs, old), who has discovered shopping and Facebook. I also love spending time with my sons (3 and 7 yrs old), teaching them about sensitivity, the arts (I’m a music therapist) and, of course, how to make a gun out of everything and anything LoL!
I wouldn’t trade any of them for another child/change their gender and I try my best to help them negotiate this danger-zone called “Life” while letting them experience their own “natural consequences” from time to time.
I have two boys and had a moment of “sigh, I’ll never have a girl” but it was pretty short lived and I LOVE having two boys. Although, I was surprised at how many people asked me if I was disappointed or if I was going to try for a girl, someone sent me a “10 Things You Shouldn’t Say to a Pregnant Woman” and that was one of them. It was hysterical. Here’s the link if you’re interested: http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/
Love the link, Amy. Thanks!
Pretty interesting post. We adopted our kids from China. We wanted a girl at first, but decided to get on a special needs list to speed up the process. When we saw the picture of Matthew, we couldn’t say no. How could anyone? Then Daniel, Michael, and finally our little Annie was adopted in 2005.
I have to say that day to day raising…a boy seems to be easier. They all have their quirks and stuff that irritates the living daylights out of me, but there is less social drama, less worrying about having the “right clothes” or the right accessories (and this was for preschool and kindergarten!).
Annie also thinks that she can get anything she wants just by crying about it. Makes me laugh. I just ask her,”Has that EVER worked on me?”. Then she will kind of giggle and get over it.
The boys do make laundry an adventure. Matthew was into collecting really small stones and “smooth” sand. He liked the texture, but would forget that his pockets were full of the stuff. Being a terrible laundress, I never checked his pockets. Now, every time I start the dryer, I hear the sounds of thousands of grains of sand moving around down in the lint area of the dryer. Ugh.
First and foremost, they are their own people. They are all different and all have different gifts. The boys are far more sensitive than I would have imagined and Annie is a lot tougher than I would have imagined, so I guess you just should be grateful that you got someone wonderful to enhance your life and let you feel the joy of parenthood.
The other thing is, if you dwell on not getting something you wanted, you tend to miss the beauty of what you did get.
You have such a terrific outlook! That’s hysterical about your son’s rock collection. I’ll have to remember that as my boy gets older. He’s already the only kid who goes to the playground and spends the first 10 minutes picking up rocks and garbage from the ground (and sometimes pigeon poop!). He’s so curious and it’s great, but requires a close eye. One time he found a brown “raisin” on the ground and it nearly touched his lips before I grabbed it away. Guess what it was???
Your last sentence is something I will take to heart: “If you dwell on not getting something you wanted, you tend to miss the beauty of what you did get.” Thank you.