The Big Pros:

1) Backyard. A major reason we decided to move is that our son loves being outside.  Whenever he’s in a bad mood (since he was four months old), if we take him outside, he calms down and becomes happy again.  This wonderful feature of Blake meant that in the city, at 7:30am after he, and therefore I, had been up for nearly 2 hours, I’d have to pack up the diaper bag, put our coats, bring a snack, my wallet, cell phone and take the elevator down to head to the park or just stroll and visit a Starbucks or the supermarket.  I’m not kidding; I did that way too many times.  Then there would be the mornings when he had no plans and it was too cold for an hour at the playground so his nanny would take him in and out of stores or set him free on the kid’s floor at Bloomingdale’s to run around.   Now, in a house, I can just open the back door and Blake can run free in the yard, play on the swing set, and ride his tricycle. Since it’s summer, he also plays with water toys in the baby pool and he LOVES watering the plants with the hose.  The ability to be outside in one second is a huge pro for our family.  It also makes the weekend afternoons flow by because my husband and I are also happier being able to play outside and run into the bathroom or take turns watching him.

2) We have “family friends.” Yes, we had such friends before, but now we can actually spend time with them.  We’ve have families over for brunch or dinner and we have the space for all of us to sit in the family room or playroom, or hang out in the backyard.  What a pleasure to have a relaxing experience in our own house.  It’s also a nice thing for my husband and I to share the experience of watching Blake play with another child.  While I was able to do that in the city some times, Dave hardly ever saw Blake with a friend.

3) Stores are farther, but closer in the suburbs. In the city, Buy Buy Baby wasn’t in walking distance from our apartment, therefore I didn’t go there, unless I had the energy for the half-hour journey each way of riding the subway and carrying bags back home (and those bags were heavy with diapers, toys and baby equipment).   Now, I just get in the car and drive 5 minutes to get there.

4) Our house is neater. The toys are in the playroom, not in the family room, the kitchen or my bedroom.  What a luxury to not have to step over toys!  I realize this neatness might diminish once the second baby comes, but I know it will always be better than our city apartment.

5) It’s prettier and quieter. This is personal and you might not feel the same way, but I like looking out the window at trees and grass.  I like seeing the moon at night and the stars out bright.  I enjoy not waking up to horns and engines.

6) The commute. This one would be on the con list for some, but for my husband, it’s a pro.  He hates having to operate on a train schedule, but he loves the 30 to 40 minute ride.  It’s his time to read and think.  When he gets home from work, he’s already had his down time and he’s excited to play with Blake.  I’m not as much a fan of the commute, but since I have a city office and a home office, I don’t have to travel every day, so the commute doesn’t affect me very much.

7) Room for extended family. When my in-laws visit us at our house, they can sleep over in comfort.  In the city, we didn’t really have room for them.  When my parents visit, there’s enough space to play and spend hours at home without itching to leave.  More space means more spontaneous fun and less need to plan events, classes and outings.

The Big Cons:

1) Less walking. I like to walk, but in the suburbs I have to decide to go for a walk.  In the city I would walk to pick up milk, dinner, shampoo or something else every single day.  I have to be more conscious of exercising now that I live in a house.

2) House work. There is no denying that a house is a lot of work.  From moving in, to repairs, to little things you don’t think about like building bookshelves (I guess the prior owners didn’t have an overload of books like we do), I have a daily list of bills, chores and phone calls to tend to.

3) Friend work. Then there is the “work” of making new friends, finding the best stores, supermarket, deli, bagel shop (that’s my husband’s Sunday pursuit), etc.  This is all the work of building a life for ourselves in our new community.  Although I list it as a con, it can be a pro if you find it exciting to discover a new community and build friendships, which I do, sometimes.  I advised one friend of mine considering the move to the suburbs, don’t do it unless you’re motivated and enthusiastic about putting in the time find out new restaurants, playgrounds, nursery schools, neighbors and friends.  If that sounds like a horrible burden to you, then you might want to wait on the move.

4) Less time with my husband. This is my final con.  His commute means he’s home about an hour less a day, but that’s not such a big deal because he still gets home early enough to spend an hour with Blake and have dinner with me.  The real issue is that even when he is home, we have so many more chores and errands to run that the logistics take away from our time to relax and hang out together.  Since my first trimester of pregnancy coincided with our move, I had also been going to sleep earlier than usual.   Now that I feel better, we have a little more time.  The only way to deal with this con is for us to be very alert of how we use our time.  We don’t turn the TV on unless it’s a particular show we both like and we don’t check our email or go on-line for at least an hour after dinner.

All in all, as I read through my pros and cons, it’s clear that most of them are child dependent.  We wouldn’t have moved if we didn’t have a child and plan to grow our family.  Then again, there are many benefits to city living for kids: ease of playdates with other kids in the same apartment building; dozens of parks to choose from; exciting children’s museums; classes and nursery schools within strolling distance.  And of course the pros for adults: great restaurants, closer to work, cultural events and good public transportation.  Though at this point, my husband and I weren’t really taking advantage of the city restaurants and events anymore.

Now that I’ve shared too much information, I will leave you to consider whether my pros and cons are or would be the same as yours.

Are you considering the move to the suburbs?  Are you a die-hard urbanite?  What factors affect your decision?

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The hardest thing about being a new mother for me?:  I keep waiting for a report card that will never come.  As a self-admitted Type-A perfectionist, I have to confess, I like to be told whether I’m doing a good job.  Perhaps, even need it. When I was a student, this meant shooting for the A+, when I was a lawyer, I had the billable hour or my bonus at the end of the year as a benchmark.  Now as a writer, I’m used to constant feedback about my work—on the Internet, in the newspaper, from reader emails.  Of course, it’s not always good, but at least I always know where I stand.  As a newly minted mom, however, I find that there is suddenly no yardstick, no way of measuring whether my hard work each day has added up to anything, and whether, as silly as it sounds, I’m mastering this whole motherhood thing.      

Sure, there are moments when it is clear I am screwing things up:  the Great Poo on the Wall debacle comes to mind, or those terrible, frightening moments, when I can’t seem to comfort my crying daughter no matter how hard I try.  And there are small victories too—figuring out how to fold up our ridiculously overpriced and complex stroller, belting the car seat into a taxi in under a minute, that first time the baby slept straight through the night.  But I realize motherhood is a long road, and in the grand scheme of things, folding a stroller (or even poo on the wall) does not a good mother (or bad mother) make.  Nor do I actually believe that when my daughter is grown, can my value-add as a mother be measured by her successes (or failures).  That sort of thinking places too much pressure on her and on me, while leaving little room for all of the other factors at work, like genetics, even fate.  And most hypocritically of all, I’m actually opposed to what I’m inherently doing by asking for some sort of measurement; I’m, in essence, treating parenthood like it’s a profession.  Children aren’t widgets, and they shouldn’t be receptacles for

Julie Buxbaum

our own hopes and dreams.

So where does that leave someone like me who thrives on feedback?  I am not sure.  When I was pregnant, I felt good when I ate correctly, got enough sleep, felt like I was taking the best care of myself that I knew how.  That easily translated into the best care for my baby.  (That it occasionally lead to a bit of neurosis over which foods to eat, how hard to work out, well, that just came with the territory.  I’m obviously used to neurotic.)  Now things are much less simple.  There is no diet to follow and no amount of baby Einstein videos or time spent reading to my daughter or hours banked at Gymboree can guarantee that I am doing things right.  Nor should they.  There is no secret alchemy to parenthood, I’m realizing.  Only love and patience.

So these days, I’m cutting myself some slack and grading on a curve.  On the patience front, I’ll be honest: I’m averaging about a B minus.  But on the love front, I’m just going to go ahead and give myself the A+.

Are you a Type-A or Type-B?  How does that affect your pregnancy and parenting style?

Julie Buxbaum is a graduate of the University or Pennsylvania and Harvard Law School.  A former corporate attorney, she wrote the best-selling books The Opposite of Love and After You. Visit www.juliebuxbaum.com for more about Julie and to purchase her books.

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Nope, not so.  During pregnancy I quickly discovered the variety of options:

1. Crib
2. Bassinet
3. Co-sleeper
4. Family bed
5. Car seat
6. Swing

Am I missing any?

My husband and I asked our parent friends where their babies slept.  One couple told us their baby only fell asleep in the car seat so they ended up moving the car seat into the crib!  Another couple us they had their baby in the family bed with them until he was four years old.  By then, the couple had a second child sleeping with them too and they wanted their own space, finally.

Another chose a bassinet for the first few months of her baby’s life and then moved the child to the crib when the mom was ready to separate from her child during the night.

Babycenter writes about choosing between a bassinet and a crib.  Who would think this could be so hard?

During my pregnancy, my husband and I talked about this necessary decision and we both agreed to one thing for sure: The child was NOT sleeping in our bed.  We were firm.  That would be our space.  We didn’t even want to use a bassinet in our bedroom.  We stuck to the plan.  Our son has only slept in his crib since birth (or in the car seat when driving somewhere).

But we cannot take full credit for the success of our plan.  I must admit that there were some awfully exhausting nights leaving me so desperate for sleep that when our son wouldn’t nap in his crib, I tried to bring him into bed with me.  I’d lie there praying that he would fall asleep in bed with me.  God, just give me 20 minutes of rest, I would beg.  Didn’t happen.  My son does not like the family bed.  But if he did, we probably would have developed some weird nap in the family bed routine.  So, with all of the sleeping options out there, the best one may be the one that lets you sleep the most.

Where does or will your baby sleep?  How has the choice affected the intimacy in your relationship?  How did you make your decision or did it just happen?

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My son had a 24-hour bug last week.  It wasn’t nearly as bad as prior stomach bugs he’s had, so we were actually quite happy.  If you’re a parent, you know what I mean: “He only threw up twice?  You’re lucky!”  My husband and I took turns cleaning puke and when our son slept through the night despite the illness, we were practically gleeful.

I wonder, is there anything more we can do to prevent illness?  My friend has an unusual method to keep her little girl healthy – no playdates, at least not until she is six or seven months old.  My friend is happy to meet her friends with their kids in the park, but she is not going to anyone’s home.

Yesterday I met a mom in the park who told me she refuses to let her daughter go in the sandbox.  ”That’s how kids get hoof and mouth disease, don’t you know?”  I didn’t know.  Maybe I hadn’t paid attention to this or maybe it’s not true.  Perhaps her daughter doesn’t run for the sandbox the moment she sees it.  My son loves the sandbox and keeping him from it would mean frequent tantrums in the park, probably causing me to avoid the three playgrounds with sandboxes near our home.

Any advice?  How do you try to prevent your child from getting sick?  If you’re expecting, do you plan to make playdates (for your child and yourself), or will you wait on that?

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My friend Denise, blogger at Confessions of a Mean Mommy, is a a mom to two boys.  She still daydreams and writes about about the girl she never had.  It’s kind of sad that she bemoans what she’s missing when she has so much to be grateful for.  But then again, I can’t blame her.  I’m a mom to one boy and I do admit that I hold out hope for a girl in my future.

When I first found out I was having a boy, I was kind of stunned.  How would I raise a boy?  Would we be close?  Would he turn to me for advice? Would he eventually go to college and not call me for weeks on end?  My husband said I was being silly.  Lots of boys call their moms.  He talks to his mom at least once a week.

But still, how would I raise a boy when I’d never experienced what it was like to be a boy?  Is it possible to unintentionally smother him with love?  I actually came home from the ultrasound and googled “how to raise a boy.”  Turns out my search led to an answer.

I found the book The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashburn and it entirely changed my mind and attitude about having a boy.  The authors explain that culturally, mothers are so afraid of turning their boys into “mama’s boys,” that they stop trying to be close with their sons (who, they say, desperately want advice and affection from their mothers, even in the teen years).  They review history, film, mythology and literature to make their point.  I loved this book and highly recommend it for any pregnant woman expecting a boy (or waiting until birth to find out the sex), or for any parent of a boy.

I also asked my mom friends of boys, what’s it like to raise a boy?  Is it different from raising a girl?  Some said it’s sooooo different right from birth, others entirely disagreed.  I suppose each child is an individual first, his or her gender second.

Whatever happens in my future pregnancy, I will love my child, boy or girl, as much as is motherly possible.

Are you expecting a boy or girl?  Were you happy or sad when you found out the gender?  If you are already a parent, have you found that raising a boy is different from raising a girl?  How so?

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Welcome guest blogger Robin Gorman Newman, founder of Motherhood Later…Than Sooner where she blogs about life in the “later” mom lane. Robin’s honesty is stunning; her story is heart-warming.  Thank you Robin for opening yourself up to us today.

I didn’t plan to become a later mom.  Life took its course.

I met my husband when I turned 30, and he was 29 .We were on a singles trip.  He had gone to SUNY Binghamton with my sister, and if I had ever visited her at college, we might have met sooner.

I’ve always been one to believe that things happen as they’re meant to.  We married two years later, and we both had active careers.  

Ultimately, I left the Public Relations firm where I was a Vice President, wrote my first book, How to Meet a Mensch in New York (mensch is a decent person), and launched a public relations practice.  The plan was to build a successful home-based business so when we had a family, I’d be around for my child.

We didn’t work on getting pregnant right away. We wanted to enjoy couplehood before parenthood.

When we decided the time was right, we experienced fertility challenges, and later went the adoption route.

Seth came into our lives in February 2003, and we are blessed to have him.  He was “born in our hearts.”

I was 42 when I earned the title of mom.   I had never dwelled on age, but, as I embarked on mommy & me activities, I often felt like the oldest mom in the playground.   Where were the other 40 something moms?  Surely I wasn’t alone.

I needed to meet peers: Others in the same raging hormonal phase of life, others who understood life in the sandwich generation (parenting a young child and caring for a senior parent), and others who had more life experience than baby experience and wanted to share the parenting experience.

I launched Motherhood Later…Than Sooner.  We started as a support group in New York and now have chapters worldwide. Through it, I’ve made some close “later” mom friends – women where age isn’t an issue but an asset.

We often talk about the upside and challenges of being a later mom.

One point of debate is patience.  I personally feel I have less, since I was my own person for a long time.  Others would say they have more because they are thrilled to make someone other than themselves the center of their universe.

There are those in society who believe it’s best to be a young mom.  You’ll be around longer for your child.  My take on that is that sickness knows no age, unfortunately.  And, later moms are often quite diligent when it comes to practicing self care.  They understand how vital it is.

Later moms have worked longer, and if they had a career and are now parenting fulltime, they might have risen further up the corporate ladder than a younger mom, and perhaps are more willing to step away because of all they achieved.  They also potentially have higher spending power, making later moms a highly desirable audience for marketers.

Later moms know themselves well.  And as a result, might not sweat the small stuff, and they have the wisdom to share that comes with age.

Later moms are HUGELY grateful.  While the circumstances vary, the road to parenthood has generally been a challenging one.   And, perhaps even a milestone they thought they might never reach.

In the end, what counts the most is the love for and from your child.  My son doesn’t care how old I am.  True love knows no age.  

Are you a later-in-life mom?  Does Robin’s story relate to you?  What’s the best thing about being a “later” mom?  What’s the hardest thing?

Robin is the author of How to Meet a Mensch in New York and How to Marry a Mensch.  She’s the founder of http://www.LoveCoach.com and http://www.MotherhoodLater.com and has been seen on The Today Show, CNN, Good Day NY, etc.  She blogs on MotherhoodLater.com about life in the “later” mom lane.

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Can you remember when you found out you were pregnant?  I do.  My husband and I were about to go out for a Sunday afternoon happy hour on a warm Fall day.  I figured I might as well take a pregnancy test before having a few too many.  Nothing about me felt pregnant, so I just assumed the test would give me a go-ahead to drink.  It didn’t.

I laughed and smiled and announced to my husband, “Guess what?  I don’t think we should go for drinks.  I’m, um, pregnant, I think.”  It was surreal.  How could I be pregnant?  I was standing there, physically the same as I felt the day before.  But today, I was pregnant.

We could barely wrap our heads around the idea of it.  Who would this child be?  Was it a boy or girl?  All the questions were exciting and we shared them together.  The baby seemed imaginary.  Soon he/she emerged in my dreams, in my plans and decisions.  And yet, the whole thing was so bizarre. Was I really going to have a child?  Were we really creating a person?

Then one day at 20 weeks my baby kicked.  I knew it wasn’t gas.  I just knew.  And he became real.  Each kick was like a special experience he and I shared together.  My husband could only feel from the outside (which he did because I asked him too).

Our son Blake became real to my husband after our baby was born.

I realize that this difference in perspective could have led to big conflicts between my husband and me, but most of the time it didn’t.  I understood our different perspectives at the time.  I was never one to think that we were pregnant and I wrote about this in a previous post, From Married Couple to Expectant Couple: The Shrinking Social Calendar.

I knew that during my pregnancy I needed my husband more than I had needed him in the past.  And I knew that I had to tell him this; I couldn’t expect him to read my mind.  If I was tired at 10pm and wanted to go home from a party, I needed to ask him to go home with me.  In the past I might have been fine with his staying out later than me.  But now, I just wasn’t (but for special occasions).  And so, by accepting that pregnancy and impending parenthood was more real to me than it was to him, I took the responsibility of sharing my expectations clearly and articulately whenever necessary.

Thankfully, parenthood became quite real for both of us within a day of having the baby at home.  But still, the lesson was clear and helped keep both of us in line in the future: If we want to have a happy marriage, we have to be assertive.  If something bothers one of us, we have to tell the other.  My reality as a mother is different from his reality as a father and it always will be.  It’s my duty to tell him what I’m thinking, most of the time.

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I agree, babywearing makes a lot of sense.  It can be easier for the mom, it can calm a crying baby and it can help create a nice physical bond between the two.  But why would one’s love of babywearing have to go so far as to be against strollers?

It takes a lot of energy to be against something, and I’m not sure how any mom could find an extra burst to be against a piece of transportation equipment.

Either way, babywearing is in fact making a huge impact in the mommy market.  Is it a temporary trend?  Are babies the new accessory?  Celebrities like Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes and Gwen Stefani have been seen wearing their babies.  Do you wear your baby?  I tried the sling with my son, but it became uncomfortable for me by the time he was a few months old.  Maybe next time around, I’ll put a little more time into finding the right carrier for me.

Are you registering for a baby carrier or sling?  Do you wear one?  If so, which brand?  Did you like it Do you and your mate like the same carriers or do you use different ones?

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One of my closest friends just entered second trimester.  After nearly 10 weeks of waiting, she has released herself from the hold of “no shopping until…” and off she went to buy and buy and buy.  Her husband thinks the shopping is a coping mechanism to deal with the pregnancy.  I don’t.

I think it’s the pure joy and desire to have her outside world reflect what’s going on inside of her.  But that doesn’t mean the wallet should become a bottomless pit.

One really cool way I kept my maternity clothes spending down was to ask close friends who had recently been pregnant whether they were interested in a maternity clothes merry-go-round.  One friend jumped on the bandwagon.  She shared her maternity clothes with me.  I added to the collection and then lent them back to her or in our case, to another mutual friend who became pregnant next.  The collection grows and I didn’t have to buy an expensive maternity dress for a wedding that took place when I was 8.5 months pregnant.  And let me tell you, getting that huge dress out of my sight by mailing to my friend was more than a cost-saver, it was a sanity saver.

How do you keep your spending under control during pregnancy?  Do you and your partner agree on financial limits?  Who is the cheaper one?

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Not only does this sport require tremendous energy and money, it also requires parents to be constant activity planners.  That’s where moms Heather Flett and Whitney Moss come in.  They make parents’ lives a little bit easier with their creative blog www.RookieMoms.com (I guest blogged for them last week about 5 activities to stay in love, even when you have young children!) and book. Meanwhile, their book  The Rookie Mom’s Handbook: 250 Activities to Do with (and Without) Your Baby expands upon the blog by sharing helpful, funny and totally necessary advice for new moms, making it a great baby shower gift.

One of their blog posts, 25 Activities to Try During Your Maternity Leave, was oh so fitting for me because I found it incredibly hard to get out of the house for the first couple months of my son’s life.  I guess I’m not the only one who felt this way.  Here’s one of the activities recommended during maternity leave that I want to pass on to you.

“Activity #1: Observe Fearless Fridays.
This means you should do something you’re afraid of, like changing your baby’s diaper in a park or in the trunk of your car, nursing in public, mixing a bottle while on an errand or simply committing to a social engagement.  Such simple things, unless you’re a new mother or father!”

Here are a few other activities from their clever little book that I loved.

“#16 Go on a reconnaissance mission
When the baby is in a good mood (or better, sleeping peacefully in the stroller), scope out your local shopping destinations for “safe places” at where you can feed and change her. That way you can get out of the house every day and know that you don’t have to race against the clock to get back home.

#28 Drink beer
If you’re nursing, beer is widely rumored to help with milk production.  If you aren’t nursing, beer might still help you deal with the crying (yours and baby’s). Also, it’s worth mentioning that we’re talking about one beer a day, not a whole case…

#248 Launch the first annual Camp Grandma
Here’s how it works: Plan an overnight trip with your partner, even if you just make reservations at a nearby hotel.  Ask your baby’s grandparents to come stay at your place while you’re away, saving you the trouble of packing up all of baby’s things.  Train grandma and grandpa to use the car seat, stroller, and the coffee maker and then LET GO.”

What activities would you recommend for rookie moms?  Did you ever feel like you just couldn’t get out of the house?  Are you pregnant and wondering what you will do during maternity leave?

Other Posts You Might Like:

My Baby Blues

Sex Talk: Post-Pregnancy

Why I’m a Mommy Club Outcast

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