“I wanted a special Valentine’s gift and I assumed he knew that.  But he only got me a store-bought card and I was hurt.”   Um, honey, if you didn’t tell him that you wanted a wrapped gift, he wasn’t going to read your mind.  You set yourself up to be disappointed.

Communication Blunder: It’s a blunder to expect someone to offer you something that you want.

With all my insights and tips for others, I try to apply them to myself too.  Turns out I have a big mouth in the public world, but when it comes to home life, sometimes I have to push myself to speak up.  Anyone else like that?

Here’s the background on my most recent “asking for what I want” conversation.  After I had my first child, I got the baby blues.  My stress and anxiety began and blew up in the hospital the night after my son was born.  My son cried most of the night, I didn’t know how to breastfeed or burp, and I had about four nurses visit me through the night to help. I finally gave up and sent my baby to cry in the nursery.  At 3 in the morning, I felt alone, really alone.

Now that I’m pregnant again (due in late January) I think about that first night and I know that I don’t want to repeat  it.  So I decided to ask for what I want, which is, for my husband to spend the night with me in the hospital.

For some, that might seem like a small request, but we had never discussed that option and since my husband can’t take off much time from work I didn’t want him to be more exhausted than necessary.  I was also much more gung-ho the first time around, believing that I could handle anything on my own.  But this time, I am not so confident.  I need help and admit it.  I want him to sleep over even if I’m in a double room (but hopefully I’ll have a private one now that we are at a roomy suburban hospital rather than a city one).  We are also lucky enough to have parents who can stay in our house with our other child.

So, the other night, as we lay in bed before going to sleep, I asked him, “This time, when I give birth, I’d really like you to sleep over in the hospital at least the first night.  Would you do that?”  He took a deep breath and said, “Really?  You want me there.  I guess I can do that.”  I added a little more about why I wanted him there to comfort me, and he then he more positively said, “I’ll sleep on a chair.  It doesn’t matter.  I can take a nap during the day.”  And that was it.  I asked and I received… and I was relieved.

This may sound corny, but I’m proud of myself for making the request.  The communication wonder listed in my book is true:

Communication Wonder: When you want something, ask for it. People don’t know what you want, only you do.

When’s the last time you asked your mate for what you wanted?  Was it hard or easy to get the words out of your mouth?  Are you more outspoken at home or in public?

Related posts:

1. Things that Make Your Marriage Go Hmmm….
2. Sex Talk: Post-Pregnancy
3. Am I a Good Enough Mother?

I posted this status update as a question:

“Couples often have phases in their relationships, good years, and then not-so perfect years and back to more good years.  If your relationship is going through a rough spell, don’t give up!  Has anyone experienced the phases and survived?”

In response, Heather commented, “4 years ago we did…we actually separated for 3 months. We were in our worst financial state. very stressful. We just realized we loved each other regardless and we pulled through! We learned to better communicate our feelings from that experience! It has been uphill and going strong since!”  

Dawn wrote, “There has been many stages that have unfolded in our marriage. From the loss of my son, to battles that were against our will, but apparently those battles were Gods will. Through all of them, we overcame challenges that may of been seen as a loss in ones eyes, but was only a win in our eyes…”

Marian responded with, “Yes and I was glad to see that things did get better. Have to admit, I had to do some things differently, for a different result.”

Carla wrote, “We did a couple of years ago and were separated for a little over 6 months. Thank God we worked thru it and are going thru the good times now! Thinking our love can get us thru anything now that we survived that trial period ”

Two days ago I wrote this update:

Game Show time! Name “Things that Make a Couple More Likely to Fight” 1) Broken air conditioning (I’m suffering from that right now!), 2) Lack of sleep, 3) A new baby, 4) ….. what’s your answer?

In response, Laura wrote, “Money…always money(or lack of it)..LOL”

Diane commented, “Each one’s best efforts at parenting-and the kids’ best effort to play one parent against another…”

Jill revealed, “Feeling like ur husband nvr grows up nd u r a single mom with 3 kids ugghhhh”

Amanda wrote, “I’m in school, couldn’t find a job, we had to move in w/ his parents, Anyone wanna talk about HELL? I’m in hell, my hubs doesn’t even like his mom…!?!”

Carol added, “living in his parents house and having no privacy even when you eat having someone watching you . and when you are home having to sit in your room till your husband gets home.”

Helen responded with, “Lack of sleep 4 both of us.”

What are your answers to these questions?  Did you know that so many people face ups and downs in marriage?  Is this what you expected on your wedding day or has the reality of “better or worse” taken you by surprise?

Related posts:

1. Do You Have a Smart Marriage?
2. How Take-Out Saved My Marriage
3. How to Wreck a Marriage

“Oh, and my car also makes me nauseous, so do the streets and my backyard.”  There really was no other way to answer the question.  I think I love it here, but I need to wait another few weeks before I can know for sure.

First trimester is icky.  Thankfully, I haven’t thrown up (yet), but the head spinning in pretty frequent.  If I think too deeply about something like my house or where to go out to dinner on Friday, I might gag.  My morning sickness wasn’t this bad during my first pregnancy (and I’m hoping that a different experience of pregnancy might mean that I’m having a girl.  I know, it’s delusional, but let me hope.)  One more complaint to add before I change the topic – I’m also extremely tired.  “How tired?” asked my father.  “Well, on some days, it’s as if I woke up in the morning and took NyQuil and then tried to go about my day.”

My new neighbor told me that during her first and second trimester of pregnancy, she was puking many times a day.  The hardest part was that she’s also a stay-at-home mom to her toddler.  Her two-year-old would sit with her while she laid on the bathroom floor.  That must have been unimaginably hard.  As a working mom, I have help during most days, meaning that if I slack off on the job because of morning sickness, my son doesn’t bear the brunt of it and I don’t bear the guilt of that.  I think that being a good stay-at-home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world.

My neighbor had hoped her morning sickness would end at 13 weeks, but it went on and on for another 13 weeks.  I didn’t realize that could happen.

How long did your morning sickness last?  What’s the hardest part?

Related posts:

1. Am I Normal?
2. Is Going to the Doctor a Solo Sport?
3. Sex Talk: Post-Pregnancy

Separation is a parent’s choice.  But how do you know when your child is ready?  I took my son to his first day of camp last week.  It’s a two hour program three days a week for two-year olds.  The other five kids in the group already separated, so Blake was only one who needed his mommy there part of the time.  I told him that he was doing a great job and that he could take as much time as needs to feel comfortable in the class.  I don’t want to push him if he isn’t ready yet.

While in the room with him I tried to be as boring as possible so he’d have to join the other kids and teachers to have any fun.  I’m hoping that after a couple weeks he will be fine in class without me, but if he’s not, then I’ll probably just take him out of the program and wait until September to try separation again.  Is that giving up too soon?  

I’ve heard different opinions about the appropriate age of separation.  I was surprised that my son was the only one who hadn’t separated yet in his group.  Then again, what about kids in day care?  Some of them separate at three months.

Is there a right or wrong age to separate?  What worked for you?  How did you decide?

Related posts:

1. What First Impression Will Your Child’s Name Create?
2. Hey Mean Moms, Zip It!
3. Boy or Girl? Does It Matter?

While my husband’s job relies on numbers and calculations, mine relies on words and thoughts.  It’s not surprising then that as we experience life with our son, my husband is obsessed with the numbers of our son’s life, while I am not.  I’m good at math, but I simply don’t remember how late my early-rising son slept last Friday.  “He got up early!  Who cares if it was 5:20 or 5:35?  It was early!”  My husband cares.

Any attempt by me to contradict my husband’s numbers, or to persuade him that the numbers don’t matter, is dumb.  We don’t resolve anything and we end up frustrated with each other.  So I’ve reached a new place mentally.  I will give in to his numbers.  He probably does have a better memory for the numbers, so why fight about them?  Regardless, the numbers don’t mean much to me.  It’s the present moment or the next morning wake-up time that matter.  It’s the fact that our son is talking more and more that matters to me, not how many words he knows.

Today I make a pledge: I’m not going to have those dumb arguments anymore. Now that I am aware of our hot button, we can avoid it.

What repetitive dumb arguments do you have?   What are the triggers for your couple spats?  A certain person?  An event?  A memory?  Numbers?  Your child’s eating habits?  What would happen if you decided that you would no longer fight about this issue?

Related posts:

1. From Married Couple to Expectant Couple: The Shrinking Social Calendar
2. Why Moms Can Be Meanies
3. Breastfeeding is a Man’s Job Too

My friend Denise, blogger at Confessions of a Mean Mommy, is a a mom to two boys.  She still daydreams and writes about about the girl she never had.  It’s kind of sad that she bemoans what she’s missing when she has so much to be grateful for.  But then again, I can’t blame her.  I’m a mom to one boy and I do admit that I hold out hope for a girl in my future.

When I first found out I was having a boy, I was kind of stunned.  How would I raise a boy?  Would we be close?  Would he turn to me for advice? Would he eventually go to college and not call me for weeks on end?  My husband said I was being silly.  Lots of boys call their moms.  He talks to his mom at least once a week.

But still, how would I raise a boy when I’d never experienced what it was like to be a boy?  Is it possible to unintentionally smother him with love?  I actually came home from the ultrasound and googled “how to raise a boy.”  Turns out my search led to an answer.

I found the book The Courage to Raise Good Men by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashburn and it entirely changed my mind and attitude about having a boy.  The authors explain that culturally, mothers are so afraid of turning their boys into “mama’s boys,” that they stop trying to be close with their sons (who, they say, desperately want advice and affection from their mothers, even in the teen years).  They review history, film, mythology and literature to make their point.  I loved this book and highly recommend it for any pregnant woman expecting a boy (or waiting until birth to find out the sex), or for any parent of a boy.

I also asked my mom friends of boys, what’s it like to raise a boy?  Is it different from raising a girl?  Some said it’s sooooo different right from birth, others entirely disagreed.  I suppose each child is an individual first, his or her gender second.

Whatever happens in my future pregnancy, I will love my child, boy or girl, as much as is motherly possible.

Are you expecting a boy or girl?  Were you happy or sad when you found out the gender?  If you are already a parent, have you found that raising a boy is different from raising a girl?  How so?

Related posts:

1. Job Opening: Father-to-Be
2. My Baby Blues
3. Am I a Good Enough Mother?

Please, click to this link to read about how take-out saved my marriage and take a moment to check-out the other goodies on this clever patchwork of stories about pregnancy and parenthood.  Thank you Candy!

Related posts:

1. How Take-Out Saved My Marriage
2. How to Wreck a Marriage
3. Things that Make Your Marriage Go Hmmm….

Jen, who has a 5 year old son with Autism explained that when he was younger she would keep him on a baby harness so he wouldn’t run off on her outside, which he had done many times. She had one mother telling her she was treating her son like a dog. Another told her she was cruel.

Georgia wrote that she was attacked during her pregnancy for gaining too much weight and deciding to induce labor. But everyone has their reasons.

For Georgia, she induced because the week of her due date her mother would be out of the country for work, her husband was going to be on the other side of the country for work, and her doctor was going on vacation.

Since I wrote that blog post I started to wonder, how might I be making decisions for my son, not because I think it’s the best decision, but because I’m afraid of the wrath of the mommy world?

When my son turned 15 months I took away his bottle gradually over a one week period. He’s not a strong eater or drinker (except he loves milk in the bottle), but I was told by his pediatrician and my mommy friends that my son would adjust within two weeks. He’d get thirsty and drink more from his straw cup or sippy cup. Didn’t happen. I tried seven types of cups.

Four weeks later I was still running around after him trying to get him to take sips just to reach a meager 12 ounces of daily fluid intake. I pushed fruit on him meal after meal because it’s high in water content. Still, he really wasn’t getting enough liquids. Was I doing something wrong?

Thankfully, I talked to my husband about what was going on. He knew our child wasn’t adjusting well to the no-bottle life. Why not give him the bottle a little longer, he suggested. Because it’s not normal I told him. Because the doctors say to take it away at 12 months and we’re already late on that. Because Katie Holmes was crucified in the press when 2.5 year old Suri was caught drinking from a bottle.

My husband brought me back to reality. He put the situation in context: We cannot make decisions for our son because of what other people think. Duh! That’s just what I was doing. (I highly recommend talking to your husband or partner about your fear of doing something wrong or being rejected by other moms. Men are not in that mommy world and can sometimes offer a clear perspective).

So I’m outing myself. My son is 19 months and he drinks from a bottle twice a day. And I refuse to be afraid of what anyone else thinks.

How would you “out” yourself?

(This post originally appeared as Laurie’s guest post on Babycenter.com’s Momformation blog)

Related posts:

1. Why Moms Can Be Meanies
2. Can stay-at-home moms and their working husbands really get along?
3. Moms, You Deserve to Be Heard!

I’m hoping I’m not the only one who suffers from I-Had-a-Baby-and-Turned-Into-a-Barking-Dog syndrome.

According to new research that I wrote about in another post, 90 percent of couples say their relationship is worse since they had a baby. I suspect it’s because life tends to feel like an emergency all the time when there’s a baby or toddler around. The sense of urgency means many of us push niceties, tactfulness, and respect to the side for the greater good (the child).

I read a story a few months ago about a mom who was bathing her three young kids in the tub, and once they were nearly all clean, IT happened. The youngest pooped in the tub. I can only imagine what the mom yelled to her husband in that moment. She ended up having to take them out, clean the tub, and then bathe them all again. I think she would deserve a pass on any barked orders.

But the truth is that in general, a child does not equal a state of emergency, and I have to remind myself of this for the other greater good (my marriage). If I don’t have that exact toy my son wants for another five minutes, he can just deal with that, and so should I. If my back is hurting because I’ve been holding the kid for too long and my husband wants to go to the bathroom and wash his hands and change out of his work clothes before taking over, I should just put the child down. So what if he whines for a few minutes? (It’ll be my husband’s job to deal with our son’s bad mood when he gets out of the bathroom anyway, but don’t tell him I said that!)

Mostly, I need to remember that words like “Please,” “Thank you,” “Would you mind…?” and “Do you think you could…?” are meant for the man I love, too, not just for strangers helping me in a store or taking my order at a restaurant.

I’m curious to know if other moms have barked more orders since having a baby. What’s the worst thing you’ve barked? Do you try to say “Please” and “Thank you” to your honey? Would you consider yourself a bossy mom?  Is your mate a bossy dad?

(This post originally appeared as Laurie’s guest post on Babycenter.com’s Momformation blog)

Other Posts You Might Like:

I’m a Wanna-be Selfish Mom

Why I Hired the Television Babysitter

Breastfeeding is a Man’s Job Too

Related posts:

1. I’m a Bossy Mom, Are You?
2. I don’t mean to offend you, but…
3. Communication Blunders of Dads-to-Be

Yes, if you consider the loss of your former life as reason for depression.

In the Mind column in The New York Times, author Richard A. Friedman presented the idea of fathers getting postpartum depression as something odd and unexpected by doctors.

Really?  I would have thought dads could get postpartum depression, simply because having a baby is such an enormous life-changing event with unpredictable results.  It must rise to the level of a traumatic event for some dads.  I mean, I’m a mom and sometimes I’m traumatized by my own child.

If depression could be triggered by losing one’s job, ending a marriage, losing a loved one, going into bankruptcy, or simply getting bogged down and lost in the mundane activities of life, then of course a chaos machine like a new baby could be such a trigger.

Most moms and dads I know went through some form of mourning period for their old life when the first baby arrived: those spontaneous dinners out, the quiet time on the couch, uninterrupted time to read a book, sleeping in, late nights with friends, were all mainly… gone.  Hugh Weber, new father and founder of the website www.dudetodad.com, guest blogged for us about how his life has changed and what he wishes he knew before the baby came.  Meanwhile, Vicki Glembocki guest blogged for us about the top 5 things she wishes someone had told her before she had a baby. No one is spared the trauma of a changed life.

No matter how much I thought I was ready for the change that comes with moving from pregnancy to parenthood, it still hit me like a tons of bricks in the months after bringing our baby home.  I had way too many expectations that weren’t met.  Now I see that the best state of mind would have been to simply have no expectations at all.

A parent’s plans are no match for the first few months of a baby’s life.

Thankfully, by the time the period of mourning for my old life ended, I had a new life with a new routine I enjoyed with family dinners, strolls, playtime in the living room, weekends with grandparents, playdates with my friends and their kids, date nights with my husband and more.

My appreciation for my life soon surpassed my feelings of loss over my old life.  In fact, I began to see so much more to love in my husband as a doting father to our son.  As a parent I began to understand the sacrifice my parents made for me and I am more grateful to them now than I have ever been.   Change is hard, no doubt.  But it is good.  So good.

Related posts:

1. An open letter to soon-to-be Dads and new fathers: MAN UP you lazy #&%$. Seriously.
2. Every Couple Has a Hot Button. What’s Yours?
3. Are You a Bossy Mom?