ExpectingWords.com » Family

Birth Order Is All It’s Cracked Up To Be

Laurie — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 17:35:18 +0000

As a mom, I take the responsibility of raising my son (and hopefully any future children) to the best of my ability. In terms of how to parent our child, my husband and I have delved into theories of discipline (apparently “positive discipline” wins out), healthy eating and building character. With all our preparation, we overlooked the big elephant in the room: Birth order.

At a recent mommy and me class, the well-trained parent educator explained that first-born kids receive their parents’ undistracted attention and loads of praise. The impact: they go through life seeking perfection and approval of their teachers, bosses and everyone else. A first-born is the kid who would never imagine going to his fourth grade science class without having done his homework. This can be a good thing: First-borns are more likely to attend college than children in any other position in the family. New research discussed in Scientific American Mind shows a correlation between birth order and IQ (first-borns are smarter). But, birth order can also be a bad thing: first-borns tend to be bossy, controlling, needy of attention and self-centered.

And what about younger children? In general they are the risk-takers, while first-borns play by the rules. The younger children tend to be more creative and easygoing. The parent educator explained: While the first-born kid leads the game by setting the rules for playing pretend house, the younger child goes along with everything, adding his own creative flare along the way. (By the way, she also said that when the younger child is more than four years younger than the next older sibling, that younger child takes on first-born characteristics).

Now these labels are certainly not true for everyone, but for the “typical” family (whatever that means), they seem to be accurate. Time magazine did a feature (The Power of Birth Order) highlighting the hard evidence that backs up the idea of the smart, bossy older sibling and the artsy, riskier younger sibling.

And how should this affect my parenting? How can I interact with my son so that he is not desperate for attention? Should I thwart my desire to clap when he successfully counts to ten? Should I refuse to hang his very poorly done art projects on the refrigerator? And if and when I have a second child, should I initiate games and let my younger child set the rules? What I’d like is for my son to have the leadership traits of a first-born, and the creative, easygoing nature of a second child. But, then again, is that a contradiction of personality?

One great piece of advice from the parent educator was that we should avoid using birth order as an expectation, as in, “you’re the older one here, you should know better!” They should both know better, shouldn’t they? And we shouldn’t let our younger child get away with things we would not have accepted from our older child. For now, that’s all I have to go on. Do you have any advice?

How did birth order play out in your family? Is it affecting your parenting style? Do you think there is anything parents can do to counteract the negative aspects of birth order?

Other Posts You Might Like:

Why I Hired the Television Babysitter

My Parenting Experiment with The Dog Whisperer

Why Moms Can Be Meanies

Does GUILT drive your holiday decisions?

Laurie — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 15:50:59 +0000

The holidays can be loaded, don’t you think? Originally posted on Babycenter.com’s Momformation blog on December 16. Here’s my take on holiday guilt:

The holiday season is supposed to be about appreciating family, and yet this season often leads to family feuds, guilt, and lasting resentment.

It all begins with the annual question, “Where should we go for the holidays? Should we go to my parents’ house, my in-laws’, sister’s, my brother-in-law, or stay at our house? Can my children handle a long car trip or a plane ride? Can we afford it? Do we want guests at your house?”

All of those questions are important, but none touch on what seems to me to be the hidden underlying factor: What choice will least offend people?

As “good moms,” we run around trying to make sure no one feels ignored or hurt because we’re not at a particular holiday event this year. We accommodate (”we’ll come over the day after…” even though you know you’ll be exhausted beyond belief), we blame (”It’s my husband’s decision. He’s the one who has to do the driving.”), we use our kids as excuses (”It’s just too much for us to drive the kids that far at night”) and we might even lie (”I already told my friend who’s alone this year that she could come to our house for Christmas, so we just can’t come to your house”).

Shouldn’t being a good mom be about more than trying not to offend others? Shouldn’t it include where we actually want to be for each holiday? Shouldn’t it matter where our children and husband want to be? As I see it, the order of priorities dictates family first (immediately family, that is).

This doesn’t mean going around deliberately hurting extended family and friends, but it does mean not being afraid to tell the truth. For instance, if your grandmother (your child’s great-grandmother) attends a particular holiday dinner and being with her and seeing your child in her arms makes you melt, then that should factor into your decision. Or, if your parents have a fantastic holiday tradition that you love, then celebrate that particular holiday with your family and pick a different one to celebrate with your husband’s parents. Or, if your husband has a big extended family with children around the same age as your kids and they all get together for the holidays, then that would be a good reason to spend time with them.

There are many good reasons out there: guilt is not one of them.

Where are you going for the holidays this year? How did your family make that decision? Any tips for the rest of us?

Why I Hired the Television Babysitter

Laurie — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:31:35 +0000

I admit it, my one year old son Blake watches Sesame Street on DVR in the morning and during many meals.

Actually, that’s not entirely true anymore.

When I made that admission last week at my son’s class, the teacher kindly admonished me. She explained, “When the TV is on, your child gets into a zone-like trance. That may be okay at 6am when you’re too tired to entertain him, but meal-time TV watching is the beginning of bad eating habits. Television makes your child zone out so that he has no idea what’s going into his mouth.”

Watching TV causes my son to zone out? But that’s exactly why I use TV, to zone him out so he’ll sit still in his high chair long enough to eat a healthy breakfast or lunch… or dinner. I never thought TV was educational (and the Baby Einstein refund practically confirms this), but I also didn’t think moderate TV watching was harmful.

I gave my “defense,” to the teacher and other parents, and they offered me a key piece of advice: Drop the TV and change the environment. If my son won’t eat because he wants out of his high chair after three minutes, move him to a booster seat. If he needs something to distract him during the meal, don’t use TV, call a grandparent and put him or her on speakerphone. But the best advice of all is what I’d heard for a while, but gently ignored: Have dinner together as a family. When a child watches his parents eat and he’s engaged in the conversation, it calms him down and encourages him to eat.

You might wonder why we don’t we eat dinner together. Once our son started eating solid food my husband and I got into a pattern: feed the baby and when he’s finished, only then we would eat. That’s how I’d manage breakfast and at night we’d wait until Blake went to sleep to eat our dinner together. We did this because it’s stressful to eat with a baby (imagine food on the floor and spilled drinks), and my husband and I like having dinner time to relax and talk to each other. A family dinner would mean eating earlier and it would mean that on occasion when my husband is home past 6:30pm, eating without him.

The day after I received the helpful advice, I turned off the TV and sat down to eat with Blake. Just a few days later, the results were in: It was clear that Blake was much happier eating with his parents.

On this blog I’m always writing about how to keep the couple’s relationship strong through pregnancy and parenthood, but that has to be balanced with keeping the family strong. As difficult as it was for my husband and I to acknowledge, the time had come for us to give up our coupledom dinners in favor of family dinners (on most nights).

My husband and I will still have that couple time after Blake goes to sleep, though we have to make sure not to waste that time checking e-mail or catching up on work rather than being with each other. Plus we’ll still have our date nights for one-on-one meal times, but now dinner time is for the family. What we do after Blake goes to bed is our business.

I’m a Wanna-be Selfish Mom

Laurie — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 17:35:18 +0000

When I was single I was selfishly happy. Not in a hurtful way to others, but in a natural way because I was my number one priority. Those were the days when I could choose whatever time was best for me to socialize, eat, sleep, work or take a long, hot shower.

Then I got married and that selfish feeling began to diminish, for good reason. That selfish single “me” became a less selfish “we.” I’d wake up in the morning and make coffee and eggo waffles for both of us. We’d take our turns using the bathroom, and then talk about what would be best for us to do together that evening or weekend day.

Then I had a baby. In just one day I went from a slightly selfish “we” to a totally unselfish three. Sleep? No way, I have to feed a baby. Eat? Whatever’s leftover will do. Socialize? No thanks, I have to save up my energy for those early mornings. Bathroom time, um, better hold it in until later. The baby needs a diaper change, like right now. When the newborn stage moved to the baby stage things calmed down a bit. I might have tried to take a relaxing bath while my husband cared for our son, but then I’d hear my son’s whaling cry and oh, well, maybe I should go help. So I’d shut off the water and scrap the bubble bath for a quickie shower.

Now my lower back is hurting from carrying my little guy around. So the other day I made a purely selfish decision: I’d pick him up less. But as soon as he grabbed my leg and cried and begged, “up, up, up” and then kept going on begging me for a “hug, hug, hug” my unselfish habit kicked in and up he went in my arms for a hug. Ah, foiled again!

Note to self: don’t be such a pushover.

I wish I could retrieve some of my selfishness from my single days because now I’m a wanna-be selfish mom. Meagan Francis, a mom of five, blogger at The Happiest Mom, encourages all moms to “practice planned acts of selfishness: time and money and energy we set aside to promote our own self-interests…”

Back in July, Meagan wrote an article on babble.com about how she’s not going to pay for her kids’ college education. She was accused of being selfish. And she didn’t like the accusation at first, but then she changed her mind and wrote about it on her blog The Happiest Mom:

“Somehow, for moms being selfish is regarded as the worst possible sin…. There’s no shame in being selfish once in a while. And I believe our kids learn important lessons when they see us taking care of ourselves, whether it’s by planning for our own retirements instead of running ourselves into the red every month in order to provide for them, or by refilling our emotional “well” by taking much-deserved time away doing something just for ourselves.”

Before I had a baby I never would have thought that I’d want to be more selfish. But over time, with increased motherly confidence and living in a semi-permanent state of fatigue, I came to the realization that I won’t be the great mom I want to be unless I take care of myself. I can’t use up all my energy on my career and my child leaving only emotional scraps for everyone else.

I have a plan! Maybe I’ll make small changes. I’ll choose one selfish deed to do each day. Today, I will call my good friend and have a nice long chat and I will make a dinner plan with her for next week. And that dinner will happen, no matter what… unless my son isn’t feeling well or I’m too exhausted, or my husband can’t be home that night, and the list goes on…

Are you a selfish mom or a wanna-be selfish mom? Do you ever feel guilty about doing something just for yourself? Do you think it’s wrong? How do you know if you’re too selfish or doing the right thing to take care of yourself?

Mother-in-Law or Monster-in-Law, It’s Your Choice

Laurie — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 17:27:36 +0000

I came across the following post on the babycenter.com message board and since I’ve heard about many pregnant women in similar MIL “it’s complicated” relationships, I decided to share some advice. What’s your advice for her?

mommietobe14
Posted 7/13/09

“I’ve known my MIL my entire life and she’s a really nice person. However, I feel that [she] wants to “take over” with baby planning. She irritates me with her thoughts and suggestions, and I get the feeling that she wants a major part in our baby’s life (more than just the normal grandparents visits. Our ways of life are somewhat different and I really don’t want my kid to be influenced by certain things she does. She has no one else (my husband’s her only kid, she’s retired and divorced). She’s been the type that’s helped everyone in her family and now she’s sooo excited about taking over our kid. I am not feeling it at all! I don’t even want her there when the baby’s born! I feel like I am being the wicked daughter, but I don’t know what to do! My Mom, whom I love dearly, may not be able to help much due to some health reasons, but I am okay with whatever she can do. But my MIL is driving me crazy! Is it just me?? Let me know whatcha think ladies!!”

Hi mommietobe14,

I suggest that you take a step back from your MIL. From what you write, she seems well-intentioned, just overbearing. Keep a slight distance by letting your husband make the phone calls to her and then you can get on the phone for five minutes when he’s finished talking to her. Try to return her phone calls at a time when your husband is home too so you can chat briefly and then pass the phone to him.

Also, discuss the over-bearing dilemma with your husband and come up with some constructive things that your MIL can do to help both of you. Give her a job like picking out some clothes for the newborn, or helping your husband find a toy chest for the baby’s room. She will appreciate having a use for her excitement. If your husband doesn’t want to talk to her on the phone and doesn’t want her help on anything, that’s between him and her. You do not have to cover for him or compensate for his lack of interest in his own mother. If your MIL blames you anyway, so be it. Just make sure your husband knows that you and the baby come before his mother.

With regard to unwanted advice, don’t get angry, that’s just a waste of energy. Instead, use a standard answer so she gets the point. Say something like, “Thank you for your opinion. I’ll think about it.”

If she hasn’t done anything horrible to you and she wants to come to the hospital when you give birth, you should accept that, but when and how she sees you is in your control. Talk to your husband about setting a rule that no one comes into the delivery room but him and the medical staff. You could also plan that after you are moved to your recovery room, you only want visitors for a few minutes. Let your husband know that it is his job to enforce these rules because you will be too weak to deal with it at the time. If your mom is there and you want her to stay with you longer, that’s fine. Your mother’s tender love and care is special and you don’t have to pretend that it’s identical to your MIL’s care.

The goal is to strike a balance. Don’t be a doormat, but don’t be aggressive toward her either because after your baby’s birth, you might just find that her helping hands are truly helpful. Your mother-in-law isn’t trying to hurt you, she’s just trying to love her grandchild, though it might smother you a bit in the process.

So what’s your advice for mommietob14?

Should Marriages Last Seven Years?

Laurie — Mon, 04 May 2009 21:02:31 +0000

When Fox News called to invite me to be their on-air relationship expert to discuss a revolutionary new idea taking hold in Australia – marriage as a seven year contract with an option to renew – I figured it was just a light media-made topic put out there to have some fun on the morning show Fox & Friends. I was wrong.

I received dozens of e-mails after my appearance from people who had very strong opinions. From “It would end marriage as we know it” to “I wish I had that option instead of fighting for years to get a divorce,” the idea of a seven year marriage definitely hit people’s buttons. Watch the video for yourself and tell us what you think.

It’s All in the Name

Laurie — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 22:14:38 +0000

Diamonds are forever, and so is a name.
How do you pick the right name for your baby? It’s so much pressure! What if your baby hates his name when he’s seven? What about giving him a namesake? Is it better to give your baby a popular name, an uncommon name or should you take inspiration from celebrities and name your child Bronx or Apple? And most of all, what if you and your partner can’t agree on a name?

My spouse wants a popular name and I don’t.
Before you get into that debate, know this: there is no such thing as a name that is too popular. Back in 1977 the most popular names were Jennifer and Michael, each one was given to about 4% (together 8%) of all babies born that year. In 2007 the most popular names were Emily and Jacob, each one given to about 1% of babies born that year, that’s 1 out of 100. If there are 25 kids in your child’s class, it’s most likely that no one will have his or her name. We can thank our cultural creativity for inventing so many new names that no one name is common anymore. So if your partner wants a name that’s in the top 20 for 2008, don’t ignore the suggestion, realize that no name is too popular anymore.

My spouse wants an old-fashioned name, but I’m afraid our son will hate it.
I received an e-mail from a distressed woman who told me that her husband has a “family name” of Chester for six generations. He wants to pass the name onto their baby boy, but she is against it because she thinks the name is outdated and their son will hate it. My advice: your child will probably hate any name you give him.

My name is Laurie and I’m very happy with that name today. But when I was 7, I felt rebellious. I wanted to change my name or at least change the spelling to something better. I would call myself Lori instead of Laurie. It would be a secret change, except for the times that I had to sign my name. This plan lasted for a few weeks until my first grade teacher Miss Master forbade me from handing in assignments with that spelling at the top. I didn’t want to get in to trouble so I caved. Soon enough I accepted the length and numerous vowels in my name and even grew to like it. So don’t worry about whether your child will like his name. He will rebel and then it will become part of him and he will accept it. And if worse comes to worst, your child can always pick a nickname he or she likes.

What about a namesake?
Many people give their child the name of another person, usually a relative, when they want the child to live in honor or memory of that person. This can be touchy issue when you and your spouse each want a different namesake. Perhaps you are close with your grandmother and you know how happy it would make her to pass her name on to your baby girl, while your husband and his mom are close to his aunt who didn’t have any children and they want to honor her. What do you do? You have four choices.

Choice 1: you pick neither.
Choice 2: you flip a coin.
Choice 3: you pick both, one as a first name and the other as a middle name, and
Choice 4: you pick one for this child and the other for your next child, of course this only applies if you plan to have more children. You might save the one that’s more flexible with name variations that could work for a boy or girl.

BEWARE OF FAMILY ADVICE:
It’s not easy to pick a name, but don’t ask other family members for suggestions unless both you and your spouse agree that you really want to hear other people’s opinions. (See my previous blog post, Over-sharing: Setting Boundaries on What’s Public or Private, for more insight.) I guarantee that you will hear tons of them. Know that if you include your parents in the process, then you must be fair and include your spouse’s parents too.

One final suggestion, unless your baby is due next week, you don’t have to pick out a name today. Put down the baby name books and let the topic go for a while. Then maybe, just maybe you will hear a name that inspires both of you to say, “This one’s for us!”

If you’re thinking about naming your little one, visit these websites I like for name rankings:

Social Security Administration’s Popular Baby Names

Baby Name Wizard (check out the Name Voyager function)

Deciding Whether to Go Back to Work? Tough Choices…

Laurie — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 20:38:24 +0000

My friend Lena had a plan. An advertising executive at age 32, she was going back to work after her baby was born. She and her husband jointly made enough to rent a 2-bedroom apartment in Manhattan as they saved money to buy a house in the suburbs. She figured that if she could hold onto this job for 3 or 4 more years, they could buy their dream house. But, things didn’t turn out that way. Three months after her baby was born, when Lena went back to work, she found herself distraught with guilt over not being with her daughter. The work that was once so important to her now felt like a chore that prevented her from being with her family. Lena decided to quit her job and her family moved to a less expensive apartment in the suburbs so she could be at home with her daughter.

Consider yourself lucky if you are like Lena and have the ability to choose whether or not to go back to work. According to the U.S. census report a little over half of American women with a child under 1 were in the U.S. labor force in 2002. Most women have to work because of financial needs, and they have to return to work rather quickly. There are state by state laws, but at the federal level, which is the national minimum, the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 (FMLA) mandates up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave for childbearing or family care over a 12-month period for eligible employees.

Rachael, age 27 in Washington, D.C., had to go back to work as a research analyst at a lobbying firm after 12 weeks. On most days Rachael enjoys the challenge and relief of being at work, talking to adults about new research reports and public policy issues. But then, on her daughter’s 6-month birthday, she closed the door to the ladies’ room and cried because she wasn’t with her baby.

Whether or not to work is a very personal decision for each mother. Whatever you choose, you will be sacrificing something. The goal is to find the balance that works for you, most of the time. How can you know what’s right for you? Here are some issues to consider and discuss with your spouse before making a decision:

Money: What would the extra income mean to your family if you go back to work? How would it affect savings and financial goals? Have you put together a chart of your monthly expenses to see how you spend your money and where you can save if necessary? How much would child care cost? Can extended family help out with babysitting? If you don’t go back to work, can you manage financially? Should you move?
Identity: How will you feel saying you are a stay-at-home mom? Are you excited about spending your days with your baby? Do you need to work outside the house to feel fulfilled? Do you need to be a wage-earner to feel comfortable spending money?
Sharing Responsibilities: To what extent will your spouse share child-care and household responsibilities if you choose to work outside the home? Will you end up feeling like you have two full-time jobs? Is it possible for you to go back to work while your husband is a stay-at-home dad? How would your husband adjust to staying at home while you are the main breadwinner?
Career Flexibility: If you leave the workforce now, can you re-enter when your child is older? If you go back to work immediately, will your employer allow you to leave early for a parent-teacher conference or child emergency? Are you able to do any of your work from home? What other options can you create? Should you ask your boss for a reduced schedule? Can you work part-time at another job? Should you do temp work? Can you take off a year and look for a new job then?

You might find that you and your spouse have different opinions on whether or not you should leave your job. If the difference of opinion comes down to the fact that you’re willing to downsize so you can stay at home and he is not, then agree not to make a decision while you explore both options. Go ahead and visit daycare centers in your area to see what it would be like. Take a look at rental listings in a less expensive area. Try to envision the life your family would lead in that neighborhood. If your partner is concerned about being the sole breadwinner, take this very seriously. What would happen if your partner lost his job and you weren’t working? Do you have savings to manage for a year while he looks for a new job? Do you have family who would help out during a period of unemployment?

Most importantly, recognize that having a child changes who you are, so be prepared to uncover new attitudes, goals and dreams for yourself and your family. For me, being able to work from home on my next book, along with on-set media appearances and scheduled office time with family law and mediation clients is a mix that suits me well. A good friend of mine who is an attorney in Los Angeles found that having the space and freedom to go to work helped her be a better parent when she was with her child. It may happen that what seems like the “right” decision before a baby’s birth, may feel wrong afterwards. Whatever you decide, you can change your mind so continue to have conversations about this with your spouse as you move through this exciting and challenging stage of life.

Over-sharing: Setting Boundaries on What’s Public or Private

Laurie — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:00:04 +0000

My husband and I were out to dinner with another couple, Sarah and Tom, who we hadn’t seen for almost a year. It was a fun night out for all of us – we had a babysitter at home with our little one and our friends had a sitter for their 2-year old. Deciding to make the most of it, we ordered a bottle of wine and joyfully lifted our glasses for a toast. Tom started, “To good friends, good health and especially to my wife Sarah who recently lost 20 pounds and looks fabulous!” Sarah’s smile instantly evaporated, leaving her with a blank stare. I knew why, yet her husband Tom didn’t have a clue. For many women, including Sarah, any comment about their weight or age is off limits. What Tom meant as a compliment embarrassed and upset Sarah. The toast was over and I quickly commented on the terrific wine we chose and opened my menu. I was pretty sure Sarah and Tom were going to have something to talk about later that night!

It’s not uncommon to find that one person in a couple is an “over-sharer” who reveals things about weight, finances, health or marital arguments that the other person wants to keep secret. It might be that the wife over-shares by telling her mom about a fight she had with her husband, or perhaps the husband tells his friends a little too much about your financial situation. Without intending any harm, people over-share because each member of a couple assumes that the other member has the same sense of what is public and what should be kept private. This assumption about identical public/private boundaries is guaranteed to cause conflict because it’s seldom that partners have the same boundaries, even when the couple absolutely love and adore each other. The only way to prevent over-sharing is to talk it out in advance and plan ahead so you and your partner protect, rather than embarrass or anger, each other.

How can you actually plan ahead? You can plan ahead by using these three conversation steps with your partner:

1) Ask your partner to sit down with you so you can talk about each one’s general expectations about sharing personal information with your parents, friends, siblings and co-workers.

2) Then, find out which topics are absolute sharing no-no’s such as comments about your sex life, weight, marital arguments, incomes, savings, etc. Establish a comfort zone so that you and your honey know that these things will never be brought up to others.

3) Lastly be sure to discuss in advance whether or not it’s okay to comment on new personal issues that pop up, like losing a job, becoming pregnant, getting a raise, deciding to move homes, etc. Make no assumptions about whether your partner knows which things are private and which are public. When something personal does pop up, view it as a “red-flag alert” reminding you to say to your mate, “this is just between the two of us.” An ounce of prevention goes a long way.

I know this all sounds very business-like when relationships are supposed to be loving and romantic, but I suggest you try this method anyway. I am confident you will discover that it helps you and your honey eliminate unnecessary conflict and strengthen the trust and connection in your relationship.

Welcome to Parenthood: Announcing the Pregnancy

Laurie — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:52:42 +0000

When I learned I was pregnant, my husband and I were in joyous disbelief. Sure we had been trying, but as is true for many couples, it’s hard to believe it when it actually happens. I peed on four different sticks to make sure I was really seeing a pink line. It felt so strange to think that a little pink line represented our child. Once the reality of being pregnant sunk in, my husband and I sat down on the living room couch and talked about how drastically our lives would change with this first child. Then we talked about the most pressing issue – when to announce the pregnancy to others. We wanted to do the “right” thing, but what does right mean?

As a family mediator, author and communication expert, I put on my expert hat and developed a comprehensive list of considerations. First, the most common consideration: Waiting until the chance for miscarriage is small. By now, you probably know the critical milestones of first trimester pregnancy – seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound at 6 – 8 weeks (about 2 months) and hearing the heartbeat with a fetal monitor around your belly at 12 or 13 weeks (about 3 months). The risk of miscarriage decreases substantially after you can hear the heartbeat. If you are considering sharing the news before that, then you and your partner do need to think through how you would also handle telling people about a miscarriage. If that happened, would you want close friends or just immediate family to know so they can support and help you mentally and physically? Would you want people in your office to know so they understand why you need to take some time off? Or, would you find it difficult to receive congratulatory phone calls from friends and acquaintances to which you’d respond by sharing the painful news? Would you want it to be something that only you and your husband know because you don’t want sympathy from others? Think about how you would react to others knowing about something that is extremely personal.

Now that we’ve gotten the most common consideration down, here are some less talked about, but equally important real life issues to discuss with your partner before making a decision about when to share the news:

Can you keep a secret?
Or, for that matter, can your partner? There are some people who, no matter the issue, cannot keep their mouth shut. I have a friend who meant to keep it a secret. She woke up each morning and intended to say nothing about it, but it was on the tip of her tongue all day and after a week she was feeling sick to her stomach with the stress of secrecy. She blurted it out to her co-workers on the eighth day. Naturally, her husband was upset with her because she told others without telling him that she was going to share the news. My friend should have known she can’t keep a secret and let that influence the original decision.

Why steal the attention?
Did anyone else in your immediate family just get engaged, or, is a sibling or in-law just a few weeks away from getting married? Does your sister have her bridal shower this weekend? Is your brother and sister-in-law having a baby any day now? These are all important life cycle events and each deserves its due attention. Why not wait a few weeks, let this family member have his or her moment and then you can share your news and become the new center of attention. There’s no reason not to be generous with attention if it only means you wait a few weeks to share something that will be just as exciting later as it would be now.

Do your other children or child know?
If this new baby will not be your first, do you want to spread the news far and wide before you tell your other child or children? Think about what would happen if someone unwittingly congratulates you in front of your child, particularly if he or she is old enough to understand what it means. It’s not healthy for a child to get a sense that his parents are keeping a secret from him. This is a good reason to keep the news to yourselves, or to share it only with people you can trust not to mention it to others and to be discreet around your family.

Is it bad luck to tell early?
I’m not one to believe in bad luck, but that’s not what matters. If you or partner thinks it is bad luck to tell before you have your first visit to the doctor, or before the second trimester, then you must take that as a real concern. If something happens, will you or your partner feel regret, guilt or blame the partner for sharing the news? Both of you need to agree on the decision of timing, so if one of you wants to wait for fear of bad luck, that’s a good reason to wait.

How much advice do you want?
If you tell people early on, you get eight months of constant suggestions and old wives’ tales- do this, do that, don’t eat cheese, eat yogurt, don’t take a long car ride, don’t go on a plane, you shouldn’t bend down, you shouldn’t exercise…. If you tell people later, you can do what you want without comments or a crooked glance for a few more months.

Alright, now that I’ve listed the considerations, I’ll tell you what we did. My husband and I decided to tell immediate family about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. We wanted to share our excitement with them and we knew we could count on their support if anything should happen. We asked them not to spread the news until we told them it was okay to do so. Once I hit second trimester we made it public, and it was the most fantastic feeling to share the news and feel other people’s excitement for us.

Whatever you and your partner decide, just know that there is no “right” decision. What’s best for you and your partner may be different from what’s best for another couple. Use this decision as an opportunity to have an open and honest “parenting” conversation with your partner. The better you get at understanding and sharing what you and your partner need and want, the better your relationship will be.