When Fox News called to invite me to be their on-air relationship expert to discuss a revolutionary new idea taking hold in Australia – marriage as a seven year contract with an option to renew – I figured it was just a light media-made topic put out there to have some fun on the morning show Fox & Friends. I was wrong.
Diamonds are forever, and so is a name.
How do you pick the right name for your baby? It’s so much pressure! What if your baby hates his name when he’s seven? What about giving him a namesake? Is it better to give your baby a popular name, an uncommon name or should you take inspiration from celebrities and name your child Bronx or Apple? And most of all, what if you and your partner can’t agree on a name?
My spouse wants a popular name and I don’t.
Before you get into that debate, know this: there is no such thing as a name that is too popular. Back in 1977 the most popular names were Jennifer and Michael, each one was given to about 4% (together 8%) of all babies born that year. In 2007 the most popular names were Emily and Jacob, each one given to about 1% of babies born that year, that’s 1 out of 100. If there are 25 kids in your child’s class, it’s most likely that no one will have his or her name. We can thank our cultural creativity for inventing so many new names that no one name is common anymore. So if your partner wants a name that’s in the top 20 for 2008, don’t ignore the suggestion, realize that no name is too popular anymore. (more…)
My friend Lena had a plan. An advertising executive at age 32, she was going back to work after her baby was born. She and her husband jointly made enough to rent a 2-bedroom apartment in Manhattan as they saved money to buy a house in the suburbs. She figured that if she could hold onto this job for 3 or 4 more years, they could buy their dream house. But, things didn’t turn out that way. Three months after her baby was born, when Lena went back to work, she found herself distraught with guilt over not being with her daughter. The work that was once so important to her now felt like a chore that prevented her from being with her family. Lena decided to quit her job and her family moved to a less expensive apartment in the suburbs so she could be at home with her daughter.
Consider yourself lucky if you are like Lena and have the ability to choose whether or not to go back to work. According to the U.S. census report a little over half of American women with a child under 1 were in the U.S. labor force in 2002. Most women have to work because of financial needs, and they have to return to work rather quickly. There are state by state laws, but at the federal level, which is the national minimum, the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 (FMLA) mandates up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave for childbearing or family care over a 12-month period for eligible employees.
My husband and I were out to dinner with another couple, Sarah and Tom, who we hadn’t seen for almost a year. It was a fun night out for all of us – we had a babysitter at home with our little one and our friends had a sitter for their 2-year old. Deciding to make the most of it, we ordered a bottle of wine and joyfully lifted our glasses for a toast. Tom started, “To good friends, good health and especially to my wife Sarah who recently lost 20 pounds and looks fabulous!” Sarah’s smile instantly evaporated, leaving her with a blank stare. I knew why, yet her husband Tom didn’t have a clue. For many women, including Sarah, any comment about their weight or age is off limits. What Tom meant as a compliment embarrassed and upset Sarah. The toast was over and I quickly commented on the terrific wine we chose and opened my menu. I was pretty sure Sarah and Tom were going to have something to talk about later that night!
It’s not uncommon to find that one person in a couple is an “over-sharer” who reveals things about weight, finances, health or marital arguments that the other person wants to keep secret. It might be that the wife over-shares by telling her mom about a fight she had with her husband, or perhaps the husband tells his friends a little too much about your financial situation. Without intending any harm, people over-share because each member of a couple assumes that the other member has the same sense of what is public and what should be kept private. This assumption about identical public/private boundaries is guaranteed to cause conflict because it’s seldom that partners have the same boundaries, even when the couple absolutely love and adore each other. The only way to prevent over-sharing is to talk it out in advance and plan ahead so you and your partner protect, rather than embarrass or anger, each other. (more…)
When I learned I was pregnant, my husband and I were in joyous disbelief. Sure we had been trying, but as is true for many couples, it’s hard to believe it when it actually happens. I peed on four different sticks to make sure I was really seeing a pink line. It felt so strange to think that a little pink line represented our child. Once the reality of being pregnant sunk in, my husband and I sat down on the living room couch and talked about how drastically our lives would change with this first child. Then we talked about the most pressing issue – when to announce the pregnancy to others. We wanted to do the “right” thing, but what does right mean?
As a family mediator, author and communication expert, I put on my expert hat and developed a comprehensive list of considerations. First, the most common consideration: Waiting until the chance for miscarriage is small. By now, you probably know the critical milestones of first trimester pregnancy – seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound at 6 – 8 weeks (about 2 months) and hearing the heartbeat with a fetal monitor around your belly at 12 or 13 weeks (about 3 months). The risk of miscarriage decreases substantially after you can hear the heartbeat. If you are considering sharing the news before that, then you and your partner do need to think through how you would also handle telling people about a miscarriage. If that happened, would you want close friends or just immediate family to know so they can support and help you mentally and physically? Would you want people in your office to know so they understand why you need to take some time off? Or, would you find it difficult to receive congratulatory phone calls from friends and acquaintances to which you’d respond by sharing the painful news? Would you want it to be something that only you and your husband know because you don’t want sympathy from others? Think about how you would react to others knowing about something that is extremely personal.
Hi! I'm Laurie Puhn, a relationship communications expert, family lawyer-mediator and best-selling author of "Instant Persuasion". Welcome to our blog for expecting couples!
