ExpectingWords.com - Helping expecting couples find the right words at the right times

In my recent blog post “Behind Closed Doors: Trying to Conceive,” I wrote about how insensitive people can be to those who are trying to get pregnant for a long period of time. I was surprised and impressed by my readers’ honest responses to the post. They shared their frustrating and hurtful experiences dealing with rude comments and unnecessary advice during a time that is already difficult and disappointing. Each story is compelling and reminds us how few people really think before they speak.

One comment stood out for me because I sensed that the writer’s spirit was being beaten down by the struggle and burden of her friends and family’s comments. She had a wish and I’ve decided to grant it for her, rather I’ve given her the words so she can grant it for herself.

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A friend of mine who has been married for four years had been trying to conceive (TTC) for half that time. She shared her ups and downs, including two devastating miscarriages with a very small group of friends. When she became pregnant for the third time, she was thrilled to announce it after the 13 week mark. Her co-worker’s response: “It’s about time!” As if she had been delaying pregnancy so she could enjoy a few more years of late night drinking binges. Clueless about her two year journey to have a baby, he put his foot in his mouth.

Before TTC myself, I just assumed that people who didn’t have babies didn’t want them and people who wanted them would get pregnant pretty easily. I’d learned about how babies are made in sixth grade health class and my knowledge really hadn’t been updated since.

But once I entered the strange secret land of TTC, I realized that there was a world of information I didn’t know. It quickly dawned upon me that appearances can be deceiving. When I met a couple without kids, I realized they may or may not have chosen this family structure. People don’t publicly announce that they’ve been trying for 16 months, or that they’re infertile, or that the guy has a low sperm count, or that she’s taking Clomid and has been picked and prodded twenty times in the last month. There’s a natural tendency to keep this information secret.

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Diamonds are forever, and so is a name.
How do you pick the right name for your baby? It’s so much pressure! What if your baby hates his name when he’s seven? What about giving him a namesake? Is it better to give your baby a popular name, an uncommon name or should you take inspiration from celebrities and name your child Bronx or Apple? And most of all, what if you and your partner can’t agree on a name?

My spouse wants a popular name and I don’t.
Before you get into that debate, know this: there is no such thing as a name that is too popular. Back in 1977 the most popular names were Jennifer and Michael, each one was given to about 4% (together 8%) of all babies born that year. In 2007 the most popular names were Emily and Jacob, each one given to about 1% of babies born that year, that’s 1 out of 100. If there are 25 kids in your child’s class, it’s most likely that no one will have his or her name. We can thank our cultural creativity for inventing so many new names that no one name is common anymore. So if your partner wants a name that’s in the top 20 for 2008, don’t ignore the suggestion, realize that no name is too popular anymore. (more…)

My husband and I were out to dinner with another couple, Sarah and Tom, who we hadn’t seen for almost a year. It was a fun night out for all of us – we had a babysitter at home with our little one and our friends had a sitter for their 2-year old. Deciding to make the most of it, we ordered a bottle of wine and joyfully lifted our glasses for a toast. Tom started, “To good friends, good health and especially to my wife Sarah who recently lost 20 pounds and looks fabulous!” Sarah’s smile instantly evaporated, leaving her with a blank stare. I knew why, yet her husband Tom didn’t have a clue. For many women, including Sarah, any comment about their weight or age is off limits. What Tom meant as a compliment embarrassed and upset Sarah. The toast was over and I quickly commented on the terrific wine we chose and opened my menu. I was pretty sure Sarah and Tom were going to have something to talk about later that night!

It’s not uncommon to find that one person in a couple is an “over-sharer” who reveals things about weight, finances, health or marital arguments that the other person wants to keep secret. It might be that the wife over-shares by telling her mom about a fight she had with her husband, or perhaps the husband tells his friends a little too much about your financial situation. Without intending any harm, people over-share because each member of a couple assumes that the other member has the same sense of what is public and what should be kept private. This assumption about identical public/private boundaries is guaranteed to cause conflict because it’s seldom that partners have the same boundaries, even when the couple absolutely love and adore each other. The only way to prevent over-sharing is to talk it out in advance and plan ahead so you and your partner protect, rather than embarrass or anger, each other. (more…)

When I learned I was pregnant, my husband and I were in joyous disbelief. Sure we had been trying, but as is true for many couples, it’s hard to believe it when it actually happens. I peed on four different sticks to make sure I was really seeing a pink line. It felt so strange to think that a little pink line represented our child. Once the reality of being pregnant sunk in, my husband and I sat down on the living room couch and talked about how drastically our lives would change with this first child. Then we talked about the most pressing issue – when to announce the pregnancy to others. We wanted to do the “right” thing, but what does right mean?

As a family mediator, author and communication expert, I put on my expert hat and developed a comprehensive list of considerations. First, the most common consideration: Waiting until the chance for miscarriage is small. By now, you probably know the critical milestones of first trimester pregnancy – seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound at 6 – 8 weeks (about 2 months) and hearing the heartbeat with a fetal monitor around your belly at 12 or 13 weeks (about 3 months). The risk of miscarriage decreases substantially after you can hear the heartbeat. If you are considering sharing the news before that, then you and your partner do need to think through how you would also handle telling people about a miscarriage. If that happened, would you want close friends or just immediate family to know so they can support and help you mentally and physically? Would you want people in your office to know so they understand why you need to take some time off? Or, would you find it difficult to receive congratulatory phone calls from friends and acquaintances to which you’d respond by sharing the painful news? Would you want it to be something that only you and your husband know because you don’t want sympathy from others? Think about how you would react to others knowing about something that is extremely personal.

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