ExpectingWords.com » Public vs. Private

Struggling to Conceive: How to Halt the Advice-Givers

Laurie — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 23:59:44 +0000

In my recent blog post “Behind Closed Doors: Trying to Conceive,” I wrote about how insensitive people can be to those who are trying to get pregnant for a long period of time. I was surprised and impressed by my readers’ honest responses to the post. They shared their frustrating and hurtful experiences dealing with rude comments and unnecessary advice during a time that is already difficult and disappointing. Each story is compelling and reminds us how few people really think before they speak.

One comment stood out for me because I sensed that the writer’s spirit was being beaten down by the struggle and burden of her friends and family’s comments. She had a wish and I’ve decided to grant it for her, rather I’ve given her the words so she can grant it for herself.

M Says:

“My husband and I are currently TTC and we have hit many bumps on the road – including a false positive on a pregnancy test. The hardest part of all this comes from the family. At first, we kept our attempts a secret because we didn’t want to deal with people knowing. Of course, then people would say how much better off we were waiting to have children – without knowing the struggles we were facing. When we finally told everyone we were trying – all the advice automatically generates.
I can’t stand it when people give me advice about how to have a baby. “Don’t try so hard” they say. “Are you taking your temp daily?” they ask. I can’t stand it. No one knows what we are going through, except for two other people. Personally, it’s none of their business. I wish I could find a nice way to tell them to back off and butt out – but I can’t. Instead I sit there with my mouth shut and it keeps on going. I think everyone should read this article. It’s ridiculous what we have to go through with people who have no knowledge of our struggles to get pregnant.”

Dear M,

It must be so energy-draining to deal with people’s insensitive remarks on a regular basis. You wrote that “I wish I could find a nice way to tell them to back off and butt out.” I’m going to answer your wish.

To begin, you have to change your mindset about being “nice.” Being nice usually means being a doormat by letting others say and do as the please because you don’t want to stir things up. Well honey, things are being stirred up in you. Don’t discount yourself and the peace and kindness that you deserve from others. Stop trying to be nice. This doesn’t mean you should be aggressive and tell people off when they ask you whether you’re using an ovulation predictor kit. Being aggressive will only stir more things up in both of you.

The solution is to be assertive. Respect and protect yourself without stepping on other people’s toes. Here is a script for what you can say to let people know you are not interested in their advice:

“I know that you have good intentions and want to help, but your advice doesn’t help, it just bothers me. When I do want advice, I will ask you. Can you understand this?”

And then let your words hang in the air. Don’t backtrack or minimize what you said. Just keep telling yourself, I am saying this to him/her because I respect and protect myself. You want your comments to sink in so they are remembered in the days to come.

The listener will probably respond with “I understand, if that’s what you want,” or “Alright, I was only trying to help.” Then, just change the topic. It will feel awkward, and that’s okay. You will feel a lot less awkward in the future when you talk to this person and know that she or he won’t suddenly unleash some fertility advice, reminding you of your struggles.

What’s your advice for M? How would you tell people to back off?

Behind Closed Doors: Trying To Conceive

Laurie — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:34:21 +0000

A friend of mine who has been married for four years had been trying to conceive (TTC) for half that time. She shared her ups and downs, including two devastating miscarriages with a very small group of friends. When she became pregnant for the third time, she was thrilled to announce it after the 13 week mark. Her co-worker’s response: “It’s about time!” As if she had been delaying pregnancy so she could enjoy a few more years of late night drinking binges. Clueless about her two year journey to have a baby, he put his foot in his mouth.

Before TTC myself, I just assumed that people who didn’t have babies didn’t want them and people who wanted them would get pregnant pretty easily. I’d learned about how babies are made in sixth grade health class and my knowledge really hadn’t been updated since.

But once I entered the strange secret land of TTC, I realized that there was a world of information I didn’t know. It quickly dawned upon me that appearances can be deceiving. When I met a couple without kids, I realized they may or may not have chosen this family structure. People don’t publicly announce that they’ve been trying for 16 months, or that they’re infertile, or that the guy has a low sperm count, or that she’s taking Clomid and has been picked and prodded twenty times in the last month. There’s a natural tendency to keep this information secret.

I bring this up simply because it’s so easy to be insensitive when in the midst of announcing one’s own pregnancy or celebrating someone else’s. “My fish can swim!” said my husband after announcing my pregnancy to his friends. “Um, honey,” I said later in private, “for all you know they could be trying too. What if his fish can’t swim? Maybe you could choose better words to show your excitement.”

There are a lot of emotions that go along with infertility and there’s no need to make it worse. Kat, a woman who’s been TTC since February 2008, writes about this in her blog “My Struggles with Infertility.” A recent entry describes her feelings after getting more bad news from her doctor.

To some I know this just seems like a minor setback, but to me, it’s just ONE more thing to add to the pile of crap I’ve already dealt with. I’ve been so happy lately, but one step into the Doctor’s office, I turn into the angry, sad, bitter, “why me” girl that I hate.

I called Hottie [her husband] after the appointment crying. I told him I would understand if he wanted to leave me and be with someone fertile. He of course told me that was a really stupid thing to say, but for the most part, I meant it. I hate that my current issues are causing Hottie to not be able to have a biological child. I hate how infertility treatment makes me feel. If it weren’t for Hottie’s dream to have a child that looked like the two of us, I’d walk away now, and throw myself completely into adoption, and nothing else.

I hate the reminder that my body is broken, and that is what every Doctor appointment is. A big fat reminder.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t celebrate our own pregnancies, but I am saying that we should be a little more sensitive to others who aren’t part of that celebration just yet.

Do you agree? If you choose to keep your fertility struggles secret, why did you make that decision? What was it like to hold on to that secret in the midst of others who expected you to already have a baby?

UPDATE 7/27 – Due to an overwhelming response to this blog post I wrote a follow-up piece, Struggling to Conceive: How to Halt the Advice-Givers.

It’s All in the Name

Laurie — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 22:14:38 +0000

Diamonds are forever, and so is a name.
How do you pick the right name for your baby? It’s so much pressure! What if your baby hates his name when he’s seven? What about giving him a namesake? Is it better to give your baby a popular name, an uncommon name or should you take inspiration from celebrities and name your child Bronx or Apple? And most of all, what if you and your partner can’t agree on a name?

My spouse wants a popular name and I don’t.
Before you get into that debate, know this: there is no such thing as a name that is too popular. Back in 1977 the most popular names were Jennifer and Michael, each one was given to about 4% (together 8%) of all babies born that year. In 2007 the most popular names were Emily and Jacob, each one given to about 1% of babies born that year, that’s 1 out of 100. If there are 25 kids in your child’s class, it’s most likely that no one will have his or her name. We can thank our cultural creativity for inventing so many new names that no one name is common anymore. So if your partner wants a name that’s in the top 20 for 2008, don’t ignore the suggestion, realize that no name is too popular anymore.

My spouse wants an old-fashioned name, but I’m afraid our son will hate it.
I received an e-mail from a distressed woman who told me that her husband has a “family name” of Chester for six generations. He wants to pass the name onto their baby boy, but she is against it because she thinks the name is outdated and their son will hate it. My advice: your child will probably hate any name you give him.

My name is Laurie and I’m very happy with that name today. But when I was 7, I felt rebellious. I wanted to change my name or at least change the spelling to something better. I would call myself Lori instead of Laurie. It would be a secret change, except for the times that I had to sign my name. This plan lasted for a few weeks until my first grade teacher Miss Master forbade me from handing in assignments with that spelling at the top. I didn’t want to get in to trouble so I caved. Soon enough I accepted the length and numerous vowels in my name and even grew to like it. So don’t worry about whether your child will like his name. He will rebel and then it will become part of him and he will accept it. And if worse comes to worst, your child can always pick a nickname he or she likes.

What about a namesake?
Many people give their child the name of another person, usually a relative, when they want the child to live in honor or memory of that person. This can be touchy issue when you and your spouse each want a different namesake. Perhaps you are close with your grandmother and you know how happy it would make her to pass her name on to your baby girl, while your husband and his mom are close to his aunt who didn’t have any children and they want to honor her. What do you do? You have four choices.

Choice 1: you pick neither.
Choice 2: you flip a coin.
Choice 3: you pick both, one as a first name and the other as a middle name, and
Choice 4: you pick one for this child and the other for your next child, of course this only applies if you plan to have more children. You might save the one that’s more flexible with name variations that could work for a boy or girl.

BEWARE OF FAMILY ADVICE:
It’s not easy to pick a name, but don’t ask other family members for suggestions unless both you and your spouse agree that you really want to hear other people’s opinions. (See my previous blog post, Over-sharing: Setting Boundaries on What’s Public or Private, for more insight.) I guarantee that you will hear tons of them. Know that if you include your parents in the process, then you must be fair and include your spouse’s parents too.

One final suggestion, unless your baby is due next week, you don’t have to pick out a name today. Put down the baby name books and let the topic go for a while. Then maybe, just maybe you will hear a name that inspires both of you to say, “This one’s for us!”

If you’re thinking about naming your little one, visit these websites I like for name rankings:

Social Security Administration’s Popular Baby Names

Baby Name Wizard (check out the Name Voyager function)

Over-sharing: Setting Boundaries on What’s Public or Private

Laurie — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 13:00:04 +0000

My husband and I were out to dinner with another couple, Sarah and Tom, who we hadn’t seen for almost a year. It was a fun night out for all of us – we had a babysitter at home with our little one and our friends had a sitter for their 2-year old. Deciding to make the most of it, we ordered a bottle of wine and joyfully lifted our glasses for a toast. Tom started, “To good friends, good health and especially to my wife Sarah who recently lost 20 pounds and looks fabulous!” Sarah’s smile instantly evaporated, leaving her with a blank stare. I knew why, yet her husband Tom didn’t have a clue. For many women, including Sarah, any comment about their weight or age is off limits. What Tom meant as a compliment embarrassed and upset Sarah. The toast was over and I quickly commented on the terrific wine we chose and opened my menu. I was pretty sure Sarah and Tom were going to have something to talk about later that night!

It’s not uncommon to find that one person in a couple is an “over-sharer” who reveals things about weight, finances, health or marital arguments that the other person wants to keep secret. It might be that the wife over-shares by telling her mom about a fight she had with her husband, or perhaps the husband tells his friends a little too much about your financial situation. Without intending any harm, people over-share because each member of a couple assumes that the other member has the same sense of what is public and what should be kept private. This assumption about identical public/private boundaries is guaranteed to cause conflict because it’s seldom that partners have the same boundaries, even when the couple absolutely love and adore each other. The only way to prevent over-sharing is to talk it out in advance and plan ahead so you and your partner protect, rather than embarrass or anger, each other.

How can you actually plan ahead? You can plan ahead by using these three conversation steps with your partner:

1) Ask your partner to sit down with you so you can talk about each one’s general expectations about sharing personal information with your parents, friends, siblings and co-workers.

2) Then, find out which topics are absolute sharing no-no’s such as comments about your sex life, weight, marital arguments, incomes, savings, etc. Establish a comfort zone so that you and your honey know that these things will never be brought up to others.

3) Lastly be sure to discuss in advance whether or not it’s okay to comment on new personal issues that pop up, like losing a job, becoming pregnant, getting a raise, deciding to move homes, etc. Make no assumptions about whether your partner knows which things are private and which are public. When something personal does pop up, view it as a “red-flag alert” reminding you to say to your mate, “this is just between the two of us.” An ounce of prevention goes a long way.

I know this all sounds very business-like when relationships are supposed to be loving and romantic, but I suggest you try this method anyway. I am confident you will discover that it helps you and your honey eliminate unnecessary conflict and strengthen the trust and connection in your relationship.

Welcome to Parenthood: Announcing the Pregnancy

Laurie — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:52:42 +0000

When I learned I was pregnant, my husband and I were in joyous disbelief. Sure we had been trying, but as is true for many couples, it’s hard to believe it when it actually happens. I peed on four different sticks to make sure I was really seeing a pink line. It felt so strange to think that a little pink line represented our child. Once the reality of being pregnant sunk in, my husband and I sat down on the living room couch and talked about how drastically our lives would change with this first child. Then we talked about the most pressing issue – when to announce the pregnancy to others. We wanted to do the “right” thing, but what does right mean?

As a family mediator, author and communication expert, I put on my expert hat and developed a comprehensive list of considerations. First, the most common consideration: Waiting until the chance for miscarriage is small. By now, you probably know the critical milestones of first trimester pregnancy – seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound at 6 – 8 weeks (about 2 months) and hearing the heartbeat with a fetal monitor around your belly at 12 or 13 weeks (about 3 months). The risk of miscarriage decreases substantially after you can hear the heartbeat. If you are considering sharing the news before that, then you and your partner do need to think through how you would also handle telling people about a miscarriage. If that happened, would you want close friends or just immediate family to know so they can support and help you mentally and physically? Would you want people in your office to know so they understand why you need to take some time off? Or, would you find it difficult to receive congratulatory phone calls from friends and acquaintances to which you’d respond by sharing the painful news? Would you want it to be something that only you and your husband know because you don’t want sympathy from others? Think about how you would react to others knowing about something that is extremely personal.

Now that we’ve gotten the most common consideration down, here are some less talked about, but equally important real life issues to discuss with your partner before making a decision about when to share the news:

Can you keep a secret?
Or, for that matter, can your partner? There are some people who, no matter the issue, cannot keep their mouth shut. I have a friend who meant to keep it a secret. She woke up each morning and intended to say nothing about it, but it was on the tip of her tongue all day and after a week she was feeling sick to her stomach with the stress of secrecy. She blurted it out to her co-workers on the eighth day. Naturally, her husband was upset with her because she told others without telling him that she was going to share the news. My friend should have known she can’t keep a secret and let that influence the original decision.

Why steal the attention?
Did anyone else in your immediate family just get engaged, or, is a sibling or in-law just a few weeks away from getting married? Does your sister have her bridal shower this weekend? Is your brother and sister-in-law having a baby any day now? These are all important life cycle events and each deserves its due attention. Why not wait a few weeks, let this family member have his or her moment and then you can share your news and become the new center of attention. There’s no reason not to be generous with attention if it only means you wait a few weeks to share something that will be just as exciting later as it would be now.

Do your other children or child know?
If this new baby will not be your first, do you want to spread the news far and wide before you tell your other child or children? Think about what would happen if someone unwittingly congratulates you in front of your child, particularly if he or she is old enough to understand what it means. It’s not healthy for a child to get a sense that his parents are keeping a secret from him. This is a good reason to keep the news to yourselves, or to share it only with people you can trust not to mention it to others and to be discreet around your family.

Is it bad luck to tell early?
I’m not one to believe in bad luck, but that’s not what matters. If you or partner thinks it is bad luck to tell before you have your first visit to the doctor, or before the second trimester, then you must take that as a real concern. If something happens, will you or your partner feel regret, guilt or blame the partner for sharing the news? Both of you need to agree on the decision of timing, so if one of you wants to wait for fear of bad luck, that’s a good reason to wait.

How much advice do you want?
If you tell people early on, you get eight months of constant suggestions and old wives’ tales- do this, do that, don’t eat cheese, eat yogurt, don’t take a long car ride, don’t go on a plane, you shouldn’t bend down, you shouldn’t exercise…. If you tell people later, you can do what you want without comments or a crooked glance for a few more months.

Alright, now that I’ve listed the considerations, I’ll tell you what we did. My husband and I decided to tell immediate family about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. We wanted to share our excitement with them and we knew we could count on their support if anything should happen. We asked them not to spread the news until we told them it was okay to do so. Once I hit second trimester we made it public, and it was the most fantastic feeling to share the news and feel other people’s excitement for us.

Whatever you and your partner decide, just know that there is no “right” decision. What’s best for you and your partner may be different from what’s best for another couple. Use this decision as an opportunity to have an open and honest “parenting” conversation with your partner. The better you get at understanding and sharing what you and your partner need and want, the better your relationship will be.