ExpectingWords.com » TTC (Trying To Conceive)

Pregnant after 40? Not so easy.

Laurie — Thu, 27 May 2010 19:11:50 +0000

How could I not mention Kelly Preston’s story this week? Everyone has an opinion: She’s too old, it’s puts the baby-to-be at risk, etc. Well, I’m happy for the couple.

My only concern is that the focus on older celebrity moms could lead other women to think that getting pregnant past 40 is easy. The consequence could mean putting trying to conceive on the back burner until it’s too late. Becoming an older mom is not easy for most people, including our guest poster Robin. Data on U.S. fertility rates from 2000 to 2005 show that only 0.12% of babies born to American women are to moms ages 45-49, only 2% are to moms ages 40-44, and 10.5% are to moms ages 35-39. Another way to interpret the numbers is to say that for every 1000 babies born in the US, only 32 are born to women in their 40s.

I remember watching Oprah interview Martha Stewart’s daughter, Alexis Stewart, to discuss her struggle to conceive a biological child. Alexis told the audience about her daily injections, loads of pills and numerous doctor visits to try to get pregnant. When asked why would she open herself up like this on national TV, she answered that she wants women to know that it’s hard to get pregnant in your late 30s. She had waited and thought it would be easy. Sadly, it’s a couple years later and she has not had a child.

In Psychology Today’s Stepmonter blog by Wednesday Martin, guest poster KG Anderson, Ph.D. wrote about “Why “Older” Mothers are Big News.” She wrote:

Celebrity older moms like Kelly Preston raise questions about the appropriateness and acceptability of fertility at older ages, and attract attention because later fertility is viewed as unusual, perhaps even wrong. The evidence suggests that while it’s relatively uncommon, and not desired by most women, having a baby in your late 40s is biologically feasible (at least for some women), and desirable for a growing fraction of women. The time may come when an actress or musician who gets pregnant past 45 will no longer be considered a newsworthy event.

It’s an interesting post, but I don’t think a time will come when a pregnant post-45 year old actress or musician doesn’t make the headlines. It’s news because they are celebrities (even 28-year old pregnant celebrities are front page news), and because even with the use of medical interventions it seems the rate of pregnancy for women in their 40s is growing quite slowly.

So I think it’s wonderful that Kelly Preston is pregnant. It’s unusual, but certainly not wrong.

What do you think? Can someone be too old to try to have a baby?

Fertility and What You Don’t Know About Your Body

Laurie — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 09:28:38 +0000

The other day I was talking to my friend about trying to conceive (she’s two months pregnant and already has a 3-year old) and we talked about how “involved” each of us had gotten in the process.

There are those women who have sex as usual, but without the goalie, and they “see what happens.” I’d guess those ladies are laid-back with a Type B personality in all segments of their lives. While others of us, myself included, try to learn every detail about the process and still feel ignorant. Hello fellow Type A’ers!

My friend and I asked each other, did you check your basal body temperature every day? Your cervical mucus? Your cervix shape and feel? Did you read books about getting pregnant? Did you time sex to optimize a certain gender?

Although we were talking about this topic for the first time, it was no holds barred. In the TTC and new mother world, women will talk about anything!

The funny thing is, while I thought I had researched nearly everything before I became pregnant with my son (who is now 21 months), there was one book I overlooked. I’m probably one of the last women standing to have just discovered this book, but in case I’m not, it’s called Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH, and it’s a national bestseller in it’s 10th Anniversary Edition. A guide to women’s bodies and the natural fertility signs that indicate a woman’s most fertile and non-fertile days, the book empowers women to use natural birth control, which is called the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM), which is a more advanced and reliable version of the rhythm method, and it shares information women can use to increase their chances of getting pregnant.

My friend loaned me a copy of the book. I devoured it. There is a lot of information on-line about how to try to conceive, but this book goes further than the internet snippets and simplifies the complicated science behind fertility. It also shares needed information about natural birth control, which some women may prefer to other forms of birth control, especially during the time between pregnancies (here is a link to the American Pregnancy Association’s explanation of the method).

If you’re a Type A personality like me, then you’ll probably appreciate this book whether you’re trying (or not trying) for your first child or your fifth. This book is my recent discovery and I’m excited about it! But, I’m sure there are many other nuggets of wisdom out there about TTC and natural family planning. What are they? What resources did you find and use? Please share them with us! Do you use FAM? Why do you prefer that method?

The Trying to Conceive Dictionary

Laurie — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 19:25:07 +0000

Do you know what “BD” means? Learning what it meant was my initiation into the TTC crowd (“trying to conceive” crowd). It means, “baby dance,” which begs the question—and what does that mean??? Answer: doing it for the purposes of producing a baby, or more simply put — sex without a goalie.

Reading TTC and pregnancy message boards introduced me to so many terms, some outrageous, others not, and I searched the web for a cliff notes to these terms. Not finding one, I’ve decided to create my own. Read on and click the links to learn more about the meaning behind each term. And if you’re already pregnant or have a child, it’s never too late to find out what you don’t know.

DH: Dear husband

DD: Dear daughter

DS: Dear son

TTC: Trying to conceive

BD: Baby dance

AF: Aunt flow (menstruation)

FSH: Follicle stimulating hormone

LH: Luteinizing hormone

OPK: Ovulation predictor kit (detects LH surge)

BBT: Basal body temperature

hCG: Human chorionic gonadotropin (pregnancy tests detect this hormone)

DPO: Days past ovulation

2WW: Two week wait after ovulation until pregnancy can be detected

HPT: Home pregnancy test

BFP: Big fat positive (positive pregnancy test)

BFN: Big fat negative

IVF: In vitro fertilization

IUI: Intra-uterine insemination (sometimes called artificial insemination)

PCOS: Polycystic ovarian syndrome

PG: Pregnant

Dear blog readers, what other terms should be included in the cliff notes of TTC? Please share in a comment below.

Other Posts You Might Like:

Behind Closed Doors: Trying to Conceive

Struggling to Conceive: How to Halt the Advice-Givers

Is Going to the Doctor a Solo Sport?

Struggling to Conceive: How to Halt the Advice-Givers

Laurie — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 23:59:44 +0000

In my recent blog post “Behind Closed Doors: Trying to Conceive,” I wrote about how insensitive people can be to those who are trying to get pregnant for a long period of time. I was surprised and impressed by my readers’ honest responses to the post. They shared their frustrating and hurtful experiences dealing with rude comments and unnecessary advice during a time that is already difficult and disappointing. Each story is compelling and reminds us how few people really think before they speak.

One comment stood out for me because I sensed that the writer’s spirit was being beaten down by the struggle and burden of her friends and family’s comments. She had a wish and I’ve decided to grant it for her, rather I’ve given her the words so she can grant it for herself.

M Says:

“My husband and I are currently TTC and we have hit many bumps on the road – including a false positive on a pregnancy test. The hardest part of all this comes from the family. At first, we kept our attempts a secret because we didn’t want to deal with people knowing. Of course, then people would say how much better off we were waiting to have children – without knowing the struggles we were facing. When we finally told everyone we were trying – all the advice automatically generates.
I can’t stand it when people give me advice about how to have a baby. “Don’t try so hard” they say. “Are you taking your temp daily?” they ask. I can’t stand it. No one knows what we are going through, except for two other people. Personally, it’s none of their business. I wish I could find a nice way to tell them to back off and butt out – but I can’t. Instead I sit there with my mouth shut and it keeps on going. I think everyone should read this article. It’s ridiculous what we have to go through with people who have no knowledge of our struggles to get pregnant.”

Dear M,

It must be so energy-draining to deal with people’s insensitive remarks on a regular basis. You wrote that “I wish I could find a nice way to tell them to back off and butt out.” I’m going to answer your wish.

To begin, you have to change your mindset about being “nice.” Being nice usually means being a doormat by letting others say and do as the please because you don’t want to stir things up. Well honey, things are being stirred up in you. Don’t discount yourself and the peace and kindness that you deserve from others. Stop trying to be nice. This doesn’t mean you should be aggressive and tell people off when they ask you whether you’re using an ovulation predictor kit. Being aggressive will only stir more things up in both of you.

The solution is to be assertive. Respect and protect yourself without stepping on other people’s toes. Here is a script for what you can say to let people know you are not interested in their advice:

“I know that you have good intentions and want to help, but your advice doesn’t help, it just bothers me. When I do want advice, I will ask you. Can you understand this?”

And then let your words hang in the air. Don’t backtrack or minimize what you said. Just keep telling yourself, I am saying this to him/her because I respect and protect myself. You want your comments to sink in so they are remembered in the days to come.

The listener will probably respond with “I understand, if that’s what you want,” or “Alright, I was only trying to help.” Then, just change the topic. It will feel awkward, and that’s okay. You will feel a lot less awkward in the future when you talk to this person and know that she or he won’t suddenly unleash some fertility advice, reminding you of your struggles.

What’s your advice for M? How would you tell people to back off?

Behind Closed Doors: Trying To Conceive

Laurie — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 00:34:21 +0000

A friend of mine who has been married for four years had been trying to conceive (TTC) for half that time. She shared her ups and downs, including two devastating miscarriages with a very small group of friends. When she became pregnant for the third time, she was thrilled to announce it after the 13 week mark. Her co-worker’s response: “It’s about time!” As if she had been delaying pregnancy so she could enjoy a few more years of late night drinking binges. Clueless about her two year journey to have a baby, he put his foot in his mouth.

Before TTC myself, I just assumed that people who didn’t have babies didn’t want them and people who wanted them would get pregnant pretty easily. I’d learned about how babies are made in sixth grade health class and my knowledge really hadn’t been updated since.

But once I entered the strange secret land of TTC, I realized that there was a world of information I didn’t know. It quickly dawned upon me that appearances can be deceiving. When I met a couple without kids, I realized they may or may not have chosen this family structure. People don’t publicly announce that they’ve been trying for 16 months, or that they’re infertile, or that the guy has a low sperm count, or that she’s taking Clomid and has been picked and prodded twenty times in the last month. There’s a natural tendency to keep this information secret.

I bring this up simply because it’s so easy to be insensitive when in the midst of announcing one’s own pregnancy or celebrating someone else’s. “My fish can swim!” said my husband after announcing my pregnancy to his friends. “Um, honey,” I said later in private, “for all you know they could be trying too. What if his fish can’t swim? Maybe you could choose better words to show your excitement.”

There are a lot of emotions that go along with infertility and there’s no need to make it worse. Kat, a woman who’s been TTC since February 2008, writes about this in her blog “My Struggles with Infertility.” A recent entry describes her feelings after getting more bad news from her doctor.

To some I know this just seems like a minor setback, but to me, it’s just ONE more thing to add to the pile of crap I’ve already dealt with. I’ve been so happy lately, but one step into the Doctor’s office, I turn into the angry, sad, bitter, “why me” girl that I hate.

I called Hottie [her husband] after the appointment crying. I told him I would understand if he wanted to leave me and be with someone fertile. He of course told me that was a really stupid thing to say, but for the most part, I meant it. I hate that my current issues are causing Hottie to not be able to have a biological child. I hate how infertility treatment makes me feel. If it weren’t for Hottie’s dream to have a child that looked like the two of us, I’d walk away now, and throw myself completely into adoption, and nothing else.

I hate the reminder that my body is broken, and that is what every Doctor appointment is. A big fat reminder.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t celebrate our own pregnancies, but I am saying that we should be a little more sensitive to others who aren’t part of that celebration just yet.

Do you agree? If you choose to keep your fertility struggles secret, why did you make that decision? What was it like to hold on to that secret in the midst of others who expected you to already have a baby?

UPDATE 7/27 – Due to an overwhelming response to this blog post I wrote a follow-up piece, Struggling to Conceive: How to Halt the Advice-Givers.