ExpectingWords.com » Verbal Communication

How to Ask for What You Want

Laurie — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 20:29:29 +0000

This is a topic I’ve written about for years. A chapter in my first book Instant Persuasion is called “Ask and You’ll Receive.” In it, I share stories of disappointed expectations, such as:

“I wanted a special Valentine’s gift and I assumed he knew that. But he only got me a store-bought card and I was hurt.” Um, honey, if you didn’t tell him that you wanted a wrapped gift, he wasn’t going to read your mind. You set yourself up to be disappointed.

Communication Blunder: It’s a blunder to expect someone to offer you something that you want.

With all my insights and tips for others, I try to apply them to myself too. Turns out I have a big mouth in the public world, but when it comes to home life, sometimes I have to push myself to speak up. Anyone else like that?

Here’s the background on my most recent “asking for what I want” conversation. After I had my first child, I got the baby blues. My stress and anxiety began and blew up in the hospital the night after my son was born. My son cried most of the night, I didn’t know how to breastfeed or burp, and I had about four nurses visit me through the night to help. I finally gave up and sent my baby to cry in the nursery. At 3 in the morning, I felt alone, really alone.

Now that I’m pregnant again (due in late January) I think about that first night and I know that I don’t want to repeat it. So I decided to ask for what I want, which is, for my husband to spend the night with me in the hospital.

For some, that might seem like a small request, but we had never discussed that option and since my husband can’t take off much time from work I didn’t want him to be more exhausted than necessary. I was also much more gung-ho the first time around, believing that I could handle anything on my own. But this time, I am not so confident. I need help and admit it. I want him to sleep over even if I’m in a double room (but hopefully I’ll have a private one now that we are at a roomy suburban hospital rather than a city one). We are also lucky enough to have parents who can stay in our house with our other child.

So, the other night, as we lay in bed before going to sleep, I asked him, “This time, when I give birth, I’d really like you to sleep over in the hospital at least the first night. Would you do that?” He took a deep breath and said, “Really? You want me there. I guess I can do that.” I added a little more about why I wanted him there to comfort me, and he then he more positively said, “I’ll sleep on a chair. It doesn’t matter. I can take a nap during the day.” And that was it. I asked and I received… and I was relieved.

This may sound corny, but I’m proud of myself for making the request. The communication wonder listed in my book is true:

Communication Wonder: When you want something, ask for it. People don’t know what you want, only you do.

When’s the last time you asked your mate for what you wanted? Was it hard or easy to get the words out of your mouth? Are you more outspoken at home or in public?

Are We Mismatched?

Laurie — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 20:22:16 +0000

I’ve noticed in my mediation practice that it’s quite common for a spouse to tell me that the relationship was fine until they had kids, and then….”my husband’s flaws blew up in my face!” I usually tell people that those flaws existed before you had children, but you didn’t notice them because forgetting to buy a tape measure doesn’t compare to the impending disaster of forgetting to buy diapers, and being tired and uninterested in cooking dinner is much less harmful than being too tired to bother giving your kid a bath or being too lazy to buy babyproof covers for the outlets. The flaws always existed, but the consequences are much worse when children are affected.

Where does this insight lead us? Since I’m in the same boat as everyone else when it comes to having discovered these new, but old flaws in my mate and myself, I’ll tell you how I handle the dilemma. First, I am a lot more forgiving than I used to be. Both my husband and I have been thrown into a new situation with a baby and until now we hadn’t felt the pressure to fix our flaws. Before baby, my lack of organization might mean I’d pay a bill late, but now that same flaw means I can’t find my son’s immunization record 5 minutes before we head to the pediatrician. It takes time to see how our own flaws affect our kids. That’s why I’m headed to Staples later today to buy a file cabinet. Recognizing my own flaws humbles me so that I’m a lot less annoyed at my husband’s flaws (which he is also trying to fix).

Not only am I more forgiving of flaws, I’m also a lot more aware of how we communicate with each other about the flaws and other mishaps that are the natural part of couple-hood and parenting. Since there are more opportunities to bicker, it’s become incredibly important that we handle those disagreements with tact and skill. This means taking stock of our natural communication styles. On this blog, we just launched a tremendously important quiz that helps you find out your own style. Are you a pushover, a diplomat or a director? Each communication style has its strengths and weaknesses. If both you and your mate take the quiz, then you can find out how your styles interact, for better or worse, and what to do about it. You can get started on the 10-question quiz now.

We can improve, reduce and fix some of our flaws, but there will always be those glitches that linger on for decades. How we handle and talk about those glitches can be the difference between a happily married couple and a divorced couple.

How do you and your mate talk about flaws? Are you more or less forgiving since pregnancy and/or parenthood? If you took the quiz, were the results on target?

Do You Have a Smart Marriage?

Laurie — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:46:01 +0000

Yesterday, I returned from an amazing three day Smart Marriages conference in Orlando. (Check out their perspective on the Number 1 Predictor of Divorce and their Relationship IQ Quiz). While I was there to speak on a panel, I also had the unique opportunity to listen to the leading researchers in the field of relationship education. I was stunned by the strength of the empirical data showing the harm of divorce and the benefit of lasting marriages.

The California Healthy Marriages Coalition collected some of the new research and organized it into pamphlets (with sourced footnotes) here. Some of the highlights are:

Girls with divorced parents are at particularly high risk for developing depressive symptoms during adolescence.
Almost 50% of households with children undergoing divorce move into poverty following the divorce.
In surveying 3,828 adolescents ages 14-16, those living with their biological father and mother were 2.4 times less likely to be sexually active than those living with their mother and her cohabitating partner, and 1.7 times less likely than those living with a never married single mother.
Juvenile incarceration rates for children of divorced parents have been found to be 12x higher than for children in two-parent families.
Men and women in unhappy marriages have higher cortisol levels after waking up and higher self-reported stress and blood pressure throughout the day than those who are generally happy with their marriage.
Higher marital relationship quality predicted long-term survival (over a 4-year period) in a study of 189 heart disease patients, independent of other known risk factors including initial severity of the diagnosis. The most seriously ill patients, if they were in satisfied, low-conflict marriages, lived significantly longer than much healthier patients in less-satisfying marriages.
When marital conflict is high and sustained, children benefit psychologically from divorce. When marital conflict is low, children suffer psychologically from divorce.

So much data, but what does it all mean? What if you are in a high conflict marriage? The answer is marriage education. Research gives us much hope that an individual can dramatically improve his or her relationship with a bit of education. Learning new communication, conflict-resolution and empathy skills are the tools you need for a smart marriage.

A longitudinal study on a well-known Marriage Education program found that, compared with couples without marriage education training, those with the training maintained high levels of relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction and lower problem intensity three years after training; they also demonstrated significantly greater communication skills and greater conflict-management skills up to 12 years after instruction.

Perhaps we didn’t learn everything we need to know in kindergarten. If you want to find out about a marriage education program in your neck of the woods, visit the Smart Marriages website here for a directory of classes. If you don’t need relationship help, then think about a friend who does, and let him or her know that marriage education is an option. Remember that marriage education is NOT therapy, it’s learning new skills that all of us need to succeed in the goal of lasting love.

Have you or has a friend been to a marriage education program? If so, what was it called and did it help? Any recommendations for the rest of us?

Things that Make Your Marriage Go Hmmm….

Laurie — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 15:31:57 +0000

When I started a Facebook fan page for my upcoming book, Fight Less, Love More (Rodale, Oct. 2010), I wasn’t sure whether I’d use it to announce book events or share advice. Turns out a third and better purpose evolved on its own. The fans themselves turned it into a forum to share their experiences with relationships. I’ve been stunned by their honesty, and some of the recent fan discussions about the ups and downs of marriage struck me as a topic that expecting couples and new parents could relate to.

I posted this status update as a question:

“Couples often have phases in their relationships, good years, and then not-so perfect years and back to more good years. If your relationship is going through a rough spell, don’t give up! Has anyone experienced the phases and survived?”

In response, Heather commented, “4 years ago we did…we actually separated for 3 months. We were in our worst financial state. very stressful. We just realized we loved each other regardless and we pulled through! We learned to better communicate our feelings from that experience! It has been uphill and going strong since!”

Dawn wrote, “There has been many stages that have unfolded in our marriage. From the loss of my son, to battles that were against our will, but apparently those battles were Gods will. Through all of them, we overcame challenges that may of been seen as a loss in ones eyes, but was only a win in our eyes…”

Marian responded with, “Yes and I was glad to see that things did get better. Have to admit, I had to do some things differently, for a different result.”

Carla wrote, “We did a couple of years ago and were separated for a little over 6 months. Thank God we worked thru it and are going thru the good times now! Thinking our love can get us thru anything now that we survived that trial period ”

Two days ago I wrote this update:

Game Show time! Name “Things that Make a Couple More Likely to Fight” 1) Broken air conditioning (I’m suffering from that right now!), 2) Lack of sleep, 3) A new baby, 4) ….. what’s your answer?

In response, Laura wrote, “Money…always money(or lack of it)..LOL”

Diane commented, “Each one’s best efforts at parenting-and the kids’ best effort to play one parent against another…”

Jill revealed, “Feeling like ur husband nvr grows up nd u r a single mom with 3 kids ugghhhh”

Amanda wrote, “I’m in school, couldn’t find a job, we had to move in w/ his parents, Anyone wanna talk about HELL? I’m in hell, my hubs doesn’t even like his mom…!?!”

Carol added, “living in his parents house and having no privacy even when you eat having someone watching you . and when you are home having to sit in your room till your husband gets home.”

Helen responded with, “Lack of sleep 4 both of us.”

What are your answers to these questions? Did you know that so many people face ups and downs in marriage? Is this what you expected on your wedding day or has the reality of “better or worse” taken you by surprise?

Announcing MY Pregnancy!

Laurie — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:49:06 +0000

There are lots of creative ways to announce one’s pregnancy. I’m not that creative. I’m pregnant!

I’m 8 weeks along in the journey and my husband and I are thrilled that a new little baby will hopefully join our family next year. I write “hopefully” because the future is never certain. We can only be joyful today as we share our excitement with others. If you’re wondering whether it feels as thrilling to become pregnant the second time around, it does. In fact, it’s almost more thrilling because I know what to expect.

Here are the top 10 ways that pregnancy the second time around is fabulous!

People don’t ask, “were you trying?” They assume you were.
I already have maternity clothes.
I’m prepared for baby puke.
I know what breastfeeding is all about.
“Cry it out” has already been decided. And I won’t feel guilty about it.
I can take pleasure in holding a tiny infant without worrying about whether I’m holding it the right way.
Baby blues don’t scare me. I know it’s temporary.
I’ve learned to ask for help, a lot.
I can watch my 2-year old hold his little sibling.
Answers? I don’t have them and I’m okay with that.

This is my first blog post about my new pregnancy and it won’t be my last. If you’ll bear with me, I’ll share the details of my journey in regular blog updates in addition the usual parenting and communication posts you’ll find here. Since this is a blog about couple communication for new parents and expecting couples, I will disclose that yes, my husband agreed to make our news public, and yes, he is as excited as I am!

Our Imaginary Baby

Laurie — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 12:00:22 +0000

The funny thing about having a baby is that this special being goes from being imaginary to real, oh so real, in just seconds.

Can you remember when you found out you were pregnant? I do. My husband and I were about to go out for a Sunday afternoon happy hour on a warm Fall day. I figured I might as well take a pregnancy test before having a few too many. Nothing about me felt pregnant, so I just assumed the test would give me a go-ahead to drink. It didn’t.

I laughed and smiled and announced to my husband, “Guess what? I don’t think we should go for drinks. I’m, um, pregnant, I think.” It was surreal. How could I be pregnant? I was standing there, physically the same as I felt the day before. But today, I was pregnant.

We could barely wrap our heads around the idea of it. Who would this child be? Was it a boy or girl? All the questions were exciting and we shared them together. The baby seemed imaginary. Soon he/she emerged in my dreams, in my plans and decisions. And yet, the whole thing was so bizarre. Was I really going to have a child? Were we really creating a person?

Then one day at 20 weeks my baby kicked. I knew it wasn’t gas. I just knew. And he became real. Each kick was like a special experience he and I shared together. My husband could only feel from the outside (which he did because I asked him too).

Our son Blake became real to my husband after our baby was born.

I realize that this difference in perspective could have led to big conflicts between my husband and me, but most of the time it didn’t. I understood our different perspectives at the time. I was never one to think that we were pregnant and I wrote about this in a previous post, From Married Couple to Expectant Couple: The Shrinking Social Calendar.

I knew that during my pregnancy I needed my husband more than I had needed him in the past. And I knew that I had to tell him this; I couldn’t expect him to read my mind. If I was tired at 10pm and wanted to go home from a party, I needed to ask him to go home with me. In the past I might have been fine with his staying out later than me. But now, I just wasn’t (but for special occasions). And so, by accepting that pregnancy and impending parenthood was more real to me than it was to him, I took the responsibility of sharing my expectations clearly and articulately whenever necessary.

Thankfully, parenthood became quite real for both of us within a day of having the baby at home. But still, the lesson was clear and helped keep both of us in line in the future: If we want to have a happy marriage, we have to be assertive. If something bothers one of us, we have to tell the other. My reality as a mother is different from his reality as a father and it always will be. It’s my duty to tell him what I’m thinking, most of the time.

Are You a Bossy Mom?

Laurie — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 09:00:16 +0000

I promised to be a little more patient and my husband promised to be a little faster. That’s the compromise we reached once it became clear that I had gotten used to barking orders: “Get the washcloth! Bring me the bottle! Go find him the tiny little stuffed dog he loves that is usually in his crib but not here right now!” Yes, I mean those exclamation points.

I’m hoping I’m not the only one who suffers from I-Had-a-Baby-and-Turned-Into-a-Barking-Dog syndrome.

According to new research that I wrote about in another post, 90 percent of couples say their relationship is worse since they had a baby. I suspect it’s because life tends to feel like an emergency all the time when there’s a baby or toddler around. The sense of urgency means many of us push niceties, tactfulness, and respect to the side for the greater good (the child).

I read a story a few months ago about a mom who was bathing her three young kids in the tub, and once they were nearly all clean, IT happened. The youngest pooped in the tub. I can only imagine what the mom yelled to her husband in that moment. She ended up having to take them out, clean the tub, and then bathe them all again. I think she would deserve a pass on any barked orders.

But the truth is that in general, a child does not equal a state of emergency, and I have to remind myself of this for the other greater good (my marriage). If I don’t have that exact toy my son wants for another five minutes, he can just deal with that, and so should I. If my back is hurting because I’ve been holding the kid for too long and my husband wants to go to the bathroom and wash his hands and change out of his work clothes before taking over, I should just put the child down. So what if he whines for a few minutes? (It’ll be my husband’s job to deal with our son’s bad mood when he gets out of the bathroom anyway, but don’t tell him I said that!)

Mostly, I need to remember that words like “Please,” “Thank you,” “Would you mind…?” and “Do you think you could…?” are meant for the man I love, too, not just for strangers helping me in a store or taking my order at a restaurant.

I’m curious to know if other moms have barked more orders since having a baby. What’s the worst thing you’ve barked? Do you try to say “Please” and “Thank you” to your honey? Would you consider yourself a bossy mom? Is your mate a bossy dad?

(This post originally appeared as Laurie’s guest post on Babycenter.com’s Momformation blog)

Other Posts You Might Like:

I’m a Wanna-be Selfish Mom

Why I Hired the Television Babysitter

Breastfeeding is a Man’s Job Too

Pregnancy and the Overprotective Husband

Laurie — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 12:41:32 +0000

At first she thought her husband was the sweetest thing ever. Once they saw the pink line revealing her pregnancy he began offering to carry anything and everything in her hands (grocery bags, shopping bags and even her heavy purse!). He’d clean the dishes so she could rest at the table; repair the computer so she wouldn’t have to bend down to the floor to reach the hard drive.

What a wonderful husband, she thought. And then he started on her love of tuna fish sandwiches. “If the doctor says you shouldn’t eat tuna more than twice a week, there must be something wrong with it. I don’t want you to eat ANY tuna while pregnant.” They argued, he won. What if something happened to the baby? She couldn’t live with the guilt of the tuna.

Then he was drinking beer. She wanted a sip, just a sip. “Are you crazy????” No sip. She began to lie about her lunches to hide the fact that she ate bologna (a prepared lunch meat – also on his do-not-eat list). This pregnancy had turned her husband into a paranoid barrel of overprotective obnoxiousness.

Nowadays we like to say “we are pregnant,” as if the father-to-be has a 50% role in the pregnancy (in my opinion he had a 50% role in the impregnation and will hopefully have a 50% role in parenthood, but maybe only a 5 or 10% role in pregnancy). He attends the doctor appointments, searches for do’s and don’ts of pregnancy online, reads the baby books and gives the mom-to-be advice and support. Sometimes that advice is going to conflict with the mom-to-be’s opinion. How should this be handled?

Answer: Get the Facts: If you and your partner start discussing the effects of mercury on a fetus, don’t try to remember what you read, instead go and read it together. Do the math, figure out the amount in a can of tuna. Does the research on mercury apply to that amount of tuna or to a five times that amount?

Then Get Approval: Tentatively agree to a reasonable limit and then ask your doctor to approve this agreement at the next appointment. Do this for each and every point of disagreement.

It’s not fun to negotiate your food intake and exercise regimen, but at least it’s temporary and it’s better than the alternative: Telling your partner that he has no say in what you eat is only going to increase the fighting and stress in your household. The goal is to use the fact-finding mission to reach compromises that you can both live with.

Do you or did you have an overprotective husband during pregnancy? Are you an overprotective husband? How do you and your partner find a compromise?

Other Posts You Might Like:

Can Fathers Get Postpartum Depression?

Do We Have a Right To Complain During Pregnancy?

Pregnancy Insanity?

Have More Children, NOW!

Laurie — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:52:20 +0000

I had my annual physical a couple days ago with a new doctor. She said I was healthy, but that’s not all. She asked me about my plans for more children (I already have a one and a half year old). “Are going to have more kids? Are you trying now? When are you going to try again?” she wanted to know.

And I answered her questions because she is after all a doctor (though she’s an internist, not my OB-GYN). But since she already knows certain things about me that no one else does, what would be the big deal about sharing something else so personal? So I basically I told her we would try again, but not just yet.

She did not like my answer. “Why not now? You shouldn’t wait. You don’t know what could happen. And, if you space your kids too far apart it’s so much harder to get back into caring for a newborn.” “Well, we have our reasons,” I defended.

She came back more adamantly, “There’s always a reason, always an excuse. It’s never going to be the perfect time.”

Seriously? Was this doctor who I’d only met once questioning my husband’s and my fertility decisions? What would cause her to be so adamant? On the spot, I turned the conversation on her. “You seem so sure of all this. Do you know from experience?”

“My kids are three and a half years apart,” she said, “I’m an older mother and it was so hard to get back into the baby thing for the second one. I shouldn’t have waited so long.”

And there it was. Her attitude was based on her own insecurities, not what’s best for me. And isn’t that usually what’s going on when someone is 100% certain of what is right?

Just the other night I went to a charity event with my husband and we sat next to a middle age woman who was adamant about how to discipline a toddler. Her certainty was surprising and misplaced in the calm, casual conversation we had been having. When my husband asked her about her own children, she revealed the reason for her extreme attitude: her college age daughter had a drug problem and this woman blames the drug use on the way that she spoiled her daughter throughout her childhood. I felt bad for this woman, but at least now I could put her advice in context: her extremism was an over-reaction to her own mistakes.

If someone has the audacity to give you unsolicited strong advice, rather than being offended, exercise your right to ask some questions that might help put their opinions in context. Understanding where a person is coming from can turn your initial feelings of anger into compassion.

When was the last time you encountered someone with a strong unsolicited opinion? Why do you think they were adamant? How did you handle it?

I don’t mean to offend you, but…

Laurie — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:34:57 +0000

You know those conversations that make you itchy. When you’re pregnant you receive unwanted or rude advice, when it’s publicly known that you’re trying to conceive, you get suggestions to stop trying to so hard, to relax and take a vacation (like how are you supposed to do that when you have to work?) and when you’re a parent, other parents are out there judging your choices.

But what if someone really does want to help a friend or relative who’s struggling with infertility, pregnancy or parenting? Is there any way a well-wisher can offer advice without seeming critical and offensive?

In response to my blog post Behind Closed Doors: Trying to Conceive, one woman who had decided not to have any children, commented that as a stepmom, she watches her stepdaughters struggle with infertility. She wrote, “I know most of you are going to hate to hear me say this but I honestly believe stressing out about it and ‘trying too hard’ really does make it harder… I know [people] who had been trying for years and then gave up and as soon as they ’stopped trying’ because they were going to start the adoption process or even adopted a child then suddenly became pregnant.”

This stepmom asked, “Is there anything I can say to comfort [my stepdaughters]? Is there anything anyone has said to [anyone trying] that wasn’t insensitive?”

Here’s my answer (and I hope my readers will share suggestions too). First and foremost, if you are not in your stepdaughter’s inner circle as a trusted confident, then there is really no reason to involve yourself in this particular dilemma above all others. However, if she expresses sadness or frustration to you about her struggle trying to conceive, or if you are in her inner circle, then and only then can you say anything about her situation.

The best choice of words would be, “I wish I knew what to say to help make you feel better.” Unless you’ve been in her shoes, there’s no need to give specific advice about taking vitamins, exercising, changing her diet, taking a vacation, taking a break from trying, etc. You can be sure that she has studied every possible way to improve her chances of getting pregnant and there is no way you’ve spent even a quarter of that time looking into this issue.

Letting her know that you are aware of how hard this is for her, and humbly admitting that you are clueless in how to help her, is the best way to support her.

How would you answer this stepmom’s question? Is there any way to give gentle advice to someone trying to conceive?