Communication for Couples: Unnecessary Roughness
Posted by Laurie
Did you remember to stop at Buy Buy Baby to get the extra changing pad cover? Or, why did you tell your mother that? Or, did you really think that mobile would match the baby room? Or, you took the baby outside in this weather without the heavy blanket?
You wouldn’t think a simple question could cause so much conflict, but when you’re sleep deprived from pregnancy or a new baby, a harmless question is all it takes to start a fight.
Is a question an accusation? Is it a passive-aggressive way to say your partner isn’t doing things correctly? Or is it a subtle way to say he should have, could have, or you would have done something different?
A friend from Chicago, who shall remain nameless, told me that her husband thinks she’s been bitchier than ever, barking orders and making him feel like he’s doing everything wrong, ever since they found out she was pregnant. “I try to say things nicely by adding please and thank you, but he still thinks I’m nagging him when I ask him whether he finished reading the baby book. Is it so wrong to ask that question?”
Another woman told me that she and her partner never fought before their baby was born, but now they’re sniping at each other every day. If she gives give him suggestions on how to hold the baby, he thinks she’s being condescending. But she says she’s just trying to be helpful. She spends more time with the baby and has learned tricks of the trade to calm her baby down faster. Why can’t her husband see it that way?
To get some insight on this issue, I went to a high-level source: my husband. I admit there have been times when I “barked orders” or repeated questions unnecessarily, but we rarely got into fights about it. I asked my husband why he doesn’t get annoyed with me. His answer, “I view a question as a question and I take it at face value. If you ask me to do something, like go get a pacifier, I assume you have your hands full and need my help. If you correct something I’m doing, I know that you love me and the baby and mean no harm or offense. I also admit that I know very little about babies. So if you have an idea on how to hold the baby so he’ll stop crying sooner rather than later, I’m happy to listen.”
That’s not to say that we never ever bicker, but we both try to be conscious of our words and give each other the benefit of the doubt as much as possible. This means sometimes holding our tongue for the greater good.
So how can you persuade your partner to be more understanding and even tempered? For one thing, your partner is going to look for opportunities to be offended if he thinks that you don’t think he is, or will be, a good parent. This means it is your job to tell your mate on a regular basis that you believe that he is or is going to be a fantastic parent. Remind your partner of all his good qualities that will make him a loving, caring father. Look for things he does well that are helpful and praise them. All of us are insecure about our ability to be a good parent and it is a mate’s job to give us strength and confidence.
A second way to stem the tide of unnecessary roughness is to have a frank talk about the intent behind questions, suggestions and requests. Pick a time in which both of you are calm. Take some responsibility for trying to be more tactful and patient and suggest that both of you give each other the benefit of the doubt in assuming no harm was intended.
The next time one of those tense moments happens bring in a little humor with “Oh, I guess this is the kind of barking we were talking about!” Identifying those tense moments of coummunication for couples is one way to change your own words and to encourage our mate to think before he speaks.
How has your couple communication changed since you found out you were pregnant? Do you bicker more, less or the same? Do you have any useful communication tips for couples that reduce conflict to share with us?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 17th, 2009 at 4:23 pm and is filed under Verbal Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
