Could The Cosby Show Help Us Now?
Posted by Laurie
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but aren’t parents supposed to set the rules in their house? In the Sunday Styles section of The New York Times, Jan Hoffman wrote the article “Masculinity in a Spray Can” about the use of body wash, face wash, exfoliator, hair gel, body hydrator, body spray, deodorant and shaving cream by 10 to 14-year old boys who say they feel more confident and attractive when they wear the products. The article pointed to one desperate mother who keeps the windows open in her car when she drives her sons to school because of the overwhelming smell of the products they use. I was not impressed. She’s driving them to school! That’s a gift of her time and money. Can’t she set the rules about the use of unnecessary body products so she’s not held victim in her own car?
Companies like AXE say they market body products to 18-24 year olds, but those ads appeal to children who want to be more attractive, and more adult-like. In our over-sexualized culture, I think it’s the parents’ job to demand that kids act like kids.
Since my son is only one and a half, my beliefs haven’t been tested yet. So please, feel free to tell me how naïve I am. Regardless, here is my future household rule: I won’t permit my preteen son to use body products. If he uses them in spite of my rule, then I’ll take a lesson from The Cosby Show. Do you remember the fabulous pilot episode in which ninth grader Theo gets four D’s on his report card? Cliff explains how D’s means no college, but Theo says he doesn’t care. When Theo asks his father to love him regardless of his grades, Cliff responds by saying, “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard in my life!” and tries to teach Theo a lesson about education and money. Okay, you want to be an adult at 15 and make your own decisions? Then pay rent and pay for your clothes and your car and food. Oh, you can’t afford that? Then live in my house and live by my rules. Work harder and go to college!
What would Heathcliffe do if Theo began wearing body products to school at age 11? Would he accept it as harmless fun or treat it as a crossing of line between child and adult?
What do you think?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010 at 11:51 am and is filed under Parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
No Laurie, You are not being old fashioned. Parents ARE supposed to set the rules for their kids to live by in their house. Problem is, too many parents don’t hvae the conviction or backbone to stand by their rules. The “don’t ever say no to a child” generation. This breeds children with a complete lack of respect for authority who are not outward thinking at all. They’re becomming the “all about me” generation.
We can only answer for our own actions on this earth, and my actions happen to include raising 3 children who will someday become adults. I strive every day to ensure these will be 3 honest upstanding citizens of the world who will respect others as they do themselves.
I agree that parents have to have backbone and conviction,and set the rules in their home… but that doesn’t mean being tyrants and dictating every tiny detail – or micromanaging their child’s life!. If the kid feels he stinks then instead of standing up and not allowing the body spray why is it bad parenting to sit down and talk with your son and find a compromise that helps him feel clean and helps you not feel overwhelmed with the scent?
There is a way to be “in charge” and still be compassionate and treat a child with dignity and prepare them for adulthood. Being a parental bully is not good parenting.
You’re absolutely right, kids are trying to grow up way too fast in this society and need to just be kids. They also run wild and are completely undisiplined.
@anya: Have you ever heard the pharse “Give them an inch, they’ll take a foot”? That’s what your compromise is. When it comes down to it, you’re the parent, what you say goes, no ifs, and, or buts about it. If they kid complains that they stink tell them to take a bath and throw them a stick of deodorant.
I have one 14 year old boy, one 12 year old boy, one 11 year old girl, and one 9 year old girl. The 14 year old has stunk since he was 9. Unfortunately, in today’s world, kids are going through puberty a lot sooner.
However, I have the opposite problem, he doesn’t want to wear deodorant…. so lots of time he smells because of his BO. We make him shower more frequently, but he just smells the next day. He has AXE products that he doesn’t use, but remember, he is 14, so I really don’t see a problem with it for him. Maybe that is because he hardly uses it.
I agree that today’s parents really need to rein in some of the things kids are doing, but I also agree with Anya in that you can’t dictate every single thing for your child or they will grow up not learning how to make choices of their own. There is a fine line, and you, as the parent, need to find it.
As for the choice of a kid wanting to be too grown up for their age, that is when your parenting gets tested. I really don’t think that giving a stick of deodorant to a kid (regardless of age) that has BO is a bad thing. With that said, I don’t let my little girls wear perfume – they are too young for that. But I make them wear deodorant when they start smelling.
I think a kid wanting to smell nice is not a bad thing, but I truly thing that with kids already wanting to grow up so fast, they go straight to wanting to smell like adults and use products that are not meant for them. And how do these kids get them? THE PARENTS! So parents need to stop complaining because they are the ones buying it for their kids.
Tim & Fjord83, thanks for the support!
Do you think parents are afraid to say no to their children because they want to be best friends with them? Parenting means not being liked all the time. I’m sure it’s a hard thing to swallow when a child says, “I hate you mom!” but then again, perhaps hearing that horrible comment, on occasion, is a badge of good parenting.
Anya b and Celeste, I see your points too.
Yes, children should be heard and parents should be compassionate. If a child smells, then a parent should absolutely talk to the child about hygiene and deodorant (a hard talk no doubt). If the child has acne, then visit a dermatologist and see what the doctor says about facial products. But, and this is a big but, if you know that your child smells fine and that the desire to use products at age 11 is inspired by his friends who are using the products or girls who say they like those products, then we’ve got a problem. When we start covering up who we are in order to feel more confident, over time we lose self-esteem.
I remember when I was twelve years old going to confirmations and Bat Mitzvahs. Many of the girls were wearing strapless dresses. I wanted to wear one too. My mom said, no way. I was upset back then, but I remember the lesson. A twelve year old should not be dressing like an adult. I shouldn’t pretend to be anything other than the kid I was.
Like everything, there is no one size fits all answer. I guess Tim (first response) came from the “paint with a broad brush” generation. Ive met plenty of adults who wear too much perfume/cologne. All kids/teens go through phases but what they are preoccupied with can vary. Youre teaching a kid to be an adult, dont you want them to question what theyre being told? Encourage that, and praise them for it, but at the same time, remind them you make the rules.
Also, might want to ask your son who wears too much of the axe stuff if his nose is working because a)he’s using too much and b)that stuff smells bad even in small amounts.
Hi, Setting proper guidelines is important, and I think that it begins early… mine’s 2.5 and he needs limits and options and options about limits.
No, children should not behave like adults. There’s no real reason for a child to be using products designed for adults. On the other hand it is not fair to generalize children and teenagers. Every child needs to be raised different according to whats best for them. I’m a 15 year old, double honors student taking pre-calculus and college level chemistry and lit classes. But I grew up with almost no boundaries. To say that a child needs the established boundaries of society is to deny a child their creativity. I’m not saying that every child should be raised like I was. In regards to using product, it something that a child should be introduced to slowly- when it’s appropriate. Deodorant, being an easy example, is something that a 12 year old boy might perhaps need. It’s up to parents to introduce him to the right products. Growing up in a world were beauty is at unreasonable standards, with so many choices makes knowing what to use when very difficult. Help, along with discipline, is what every growing child needs.
Like Nechama, I think there needs to be a middle ground on this issue. Kids often aren’t given the tools they need to grow socially, because adults are under the impression that kids need to be kids – usually far longer than is necessary. They do need proper hygienic products by their pre-teen years in order to develop a healthy respect for their own bodies – it’s up to us as parents to show them how to choose and use these products wisely (and sparingly).
Nechama, your parents must be awestruck by your maturity. Sounds like they’ve done a wonderful job raising you.
Eh, you have to pick your battles. In the long run, I’d rather not waste my parental authority on silly things like how the kid smells when there are far more important issues regarding sexual activity, drug use, study habits, etc. to be dealt with.
I think this is a little over the top…we don’t panic when our female children want a berry scented shampoo or want to wear sparkly nail polish, so why would we fault a boy for wanting scented body wash and a little deodorant? The fact of the matter is, the human body doesn’t always smell peachy keen, and when they get to school after you’ve banned that body wash, the other kids can be cruel. My fiance was miserable all through elementary school because the children would torment him about his natural smell. His mother was also a little bit dramatic about the strong smell of deodorant. We need to learn that just as we aren’t always there to protect our children, we’re not there to experience the humiliation that public schooling often provides. If their body wash makes them seem a little too adult..well, just be grateful they want to shower at all. It’s a bit of confidence in a ego bruising society. Live with it.
I have a 13 year old boy (and three younger boys). I have two thoughts here:
1. Pick your battles, and say yes when you can without compromising. Growing up is hard. They need boundaries as much as they need to be able to make and learn from safe choices. And which deodorant they use might be one of those safe choices. Assuming it leaves the room when they do!
2. Taking away the overly smelly deodorant, perfume, etc. isn’t going to fix the underlying issue. Be careful not to think you can get a child to not want to be older faster by taking the products away. The issue is still there, and it will rear it’s head somewhere. You might want to get to help choose where.