ExpectingWords.com - Helping expecting couples find the right words at the right times

My friend Lena had a plan. An advertising executive at age 32, she was going back to work after her baby was born. She and her husband jointly made enough to rent a 2-bedroom apartment in Manhattan as they saved money to buy a house in the suburbs. She figured that if she could hold onto this job for 3 or 4 more years, they could buy their dream house. But, things didn’t turn out that way. Three months after her baby was born, when Lena went back to work, she found herself distraught with guilt over not being with her daughter. The work that was once so important to her now felt like a chore that prevented her from being with her family. Lena decided to quit her job and her family moved to a less expensive apartment in the suburbs so she could be at home with her daughter.

Consider yourself lucky if you are like Lena and have the ability to choose whether or not to go back to work. According to the U.S. census report a little over half of American women with a child under 1 were in the U.S. labor force in 2002. Most women have to work because of financial needs, and they have to return to work rather quickly. There are state by state laws, but at the federal level, which is the national minimum, the Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993 (FMLA) mandates up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave for childbearing or family care over a 12-month period for eligible employees.

Rachael, age 27 in Washington, D.C., had to go back to work as a research analyst at a lobbying firm after 12 weeks. On most days Rachael enjoys the challenge and relief of being at work, talking to adults about new research reports and public policy issues. But then, on her daughter’s 6-month birthday, she closed the door to the ladies’ room and cried because she wasn’t with her baby.

Whether or not to work is a very personal decision for each mother. Whatever you choose, you will be sacrificing something. The goal is to find the balance that works for you, most of the time. How can you know what’s right for you? Here are some issues to consider and discuss with your spouse before making a decision:

1. Money: What would the extra income mean to your family if you go back to work? How would it affect savings and financial goals? Have you put together a chart of your monthly expenses to see how you spend your money and where you can save if necessary? How much would child care cost? Can extended family help out with babysitting? If you don’t go back to work, can you manage financially? Should you move?
2. Identity: How will you feel saying you are a stay-at-home mom? Are you excited about spending your days with your baby? Do you need to work outside the house to feel fulfilled? Do you need to be a wage-earner to feel comfortable spending money?
3. Sharing Responsibilities: To what extent will your spouse share child-care and household responsibilities if you choose to work outside the home? Will you end up feeling like you have two full-time jobs? Is it possible for you to go back to work while your husband is a stay-at-home dad? How would your husband adjust to staying at home while you are the main breadwinner?
4. Career Flexibility: If you leave the workforce now, can you re-enter when your child is older? If you go back to work immediately, will your employer allow you to leave early for a parent-teacher conference or child emergency? Are you able to do any of your work from home? What other options can you create? Should you ask your boss for a reduced schedule? Can you work part-time at another job? Should you do temp work? Can you take off a year and look for a new job then?

You might find that you and your spouse have different opinions on whether or not you should leave your job. If the difference of opinion comes down to the fact that you’re willing to downsize so you can stay at home and he is not, then agree not to make a decision while you explore both options. Go ahead and visit daycare centers in your area to see what it would be like. Take a look at rental listings in a less expensive area. Try to envision the life your family would lead in that neighborhood. If your partner is concerned about being the sole breadwinner, take this very seriously. What would happen if your partner lost his job and you weren’t working? Do you have savings to manage for a year while he looks for a new job? Do you have family who would help out during a period of unemployment?

Most importantly, recognize that having a child changes who you are, so be prepared to uncover new attitudes, goals and dreams for yourself and your family. For me, being able to work from home on my next book, along with on-set media appearances and scheduled office time with family law and mediation clients is a mix that suits me well. A good friend of mine who is an attorney in Los Angeles found that having the space and freedom to go to work helped her be a better parent when she was with her child. It may happen that what seems like the “right” decision before a baby’s birth, may feel wrong afterwards. Whatever you decide, you can change your mind so continue to have conversations about this with your spouse as you move through this exciting and challenging stage of life.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 9th, 2009 at 4:38 pm and is filed under Family, Finance & Money, Life-Style. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.