Do We Have a Right to Complain?
Posted by Laurie
In the beginning of my pregnancy my husband was surprised when I complained about feeling exhausted. “But you had nine hours of sleep last night,” he responded. He thought that a warm bath and silly half-hour sitcom would make me feel better. I knew it wouldn’t. When I said “exhausted” I meant that my head suddenly felt like it weighed 100 pounds and my arms felt like bricks. If I didn’t hit the bed in the next couple of minutes, I would simply fall to the floor and happily take a long nap in the hallway.
Now, to be fair, my husband was having a normal response to the situation. It’s nearly impossible to know what pregnancy tiredness is, unless you’ve been pregnant. I remember the aura of tiredness attacking me one day at 4pm when I was working at home. Forced into bed by the tiredness devil, by 5pm I was really thirsty. Instead of rising from bed to get a drink, I picked up the phone resting on the night table (requiring only a half-turn of my body) to call my husband to ask him when he’d be home. “In about an hour,” he said and I chose to remain in bed dry-mouthed until he got home to get me a drink of water.
Being tired is only one of the things my expectant mom friends and I complained about while pregnant. There was also back pain, carpal tunnel syndrome, headaches, and later in the pregnancy for those lucky ones – rib punches, bladder problems, hemorrhoids, sciatica attacks and swollen feet, not to mention the hardship of keeping certain loves on hold for nine months: wine, beer, soft cheese and sushi. The saga of possible complaints is endless, but that’s not my point. My point is that complaining is inevitable, yet if we complain too much and in the wrong way, our husbands will begin to complain about us, and that’s a big relationship problem. We want our husbands to admire us for how we handled pregnancy, not scorn us for making their lives hell for 9 months.
“What!?!” exclaimed a friend of mine when I told her I was going to blog about this. “We deserve the right to complain for 9 months! I don’t care if he doesn’t like it. I’m carrying his baby!” Hmmm, that’s one way to look at it. As a family attorney and mediator, I prefer to look at it a different way. We may have a right to complain, but if we think before we complain, we can say the right thing at the right time to get the support and attention we want, without becoming annoying.
Here are four crucial tips to complain with positive impact so you can get what you want without creating resentment:
First off, pick the right time to complain. Don’t complain just as your hubby is rushing out the door to work. He can’t do anything to help you at that moment and you just leave him feeling upset and powerless. Choose a time when you are going to be together for at least a half hour.
Second, present your complaints as solutions. For instance, if your feet hurt, don’t whine about it. Instead, smile brightly and ask your husband for what you want – a little favor that would mean a lot to you – a 10-minute foot massage. You might even offer to do something nice for him at another time.
Third, use the “because” clause. People are more likely to do what you ask of them if you give them a reason, any reason. For instance, if you want your husband to do something for you, use a complaint as a reason. For example, instead of saying “Please take out the garbage,” say “Can you please take out the garbage because it’s heavy and will make my back pain worse.” You’ll likely get a “Sure, sweetie,” as long as you include the because clause in your request.
Fourth, use the powerful “P’s:” praise, praise and more praise. It’s been proven that any action complemented is more likely to be repeated. Whenever your husband does something that makes you feel good, tell him! Even something as simple as bringing you a glass of water deserves to be complimented: “Thank you so much for getting me water. It’s hard for me to keep getting up and the little things you do for me make such a big difference.” Keep in mind that the shortest distance between two people is a compliment.
If you think I’m telling you to sugar-coat your complaints, I am. Husbands are people, lest we forget, especially when we are pregnant. They need acknowledgement and appreciation if we want them to continue being helpful and supportive partners. So lead them on that path by using the right words at the right time. You may find that your relationship becomes stronger during the journey of pregnancy.
This entry was posted on Monday, April 6th, 2009 at 9:30 am and is filed under Balance & Fairness, Emotional Support, Health & Wellness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
Laurie,
I appreciate what you are trying to say here. Clearly, getting couple to be more understanding during these nine months is crucial. But, imho, I think you’re being too easy on the men. We (women) are already going through one of the toughest times of our lives. We should not also have the burden of playing political games with the person who is supposed to love us the most. I mean, really, is 9 months of total tolerance too much to ask of your man? If he can’t handle you for nine months, then maybe he’s not as perfect as you thought.
I totally understand the sentiment that pregnant women have the right to complain for those nine hard months of pregnancy. But, there is a serious consequence to exercising that right. During a woman’s pregnancy a good man is also going through tough times and stresses about how his life will change when the baby arrives. When his wife/partner complains every day, a man might fear that motherhood is turning his loved one into someone who isn’t content, someone who blames him for her problems, someone who requires that others walk on egg shells around her. Yes pregnancy is hard work, but we should still be considerate when talking to our partner.
-Laurie
As the father of a 4 month old whose wife’s relatively recent pregnancy still fresh, a thought: to the “I have every right to say and do and feel what I damned well please because it’s his fault I’m this way!” camp: remember that it takes two to tango and, we’re only half of the equation that got you pregnant. That being said, you are doing all the heavy lifting for 37+ weeks and we’re there in only a supportive role. For those of us who play that role, willingly or unwillingly, we would much rather play the support role than the subservient role. We are husbands/boyfriends/significant others and not slave boys and hate to be made to feel as such. We will move the planets for you because you’re giving us the most precious gift a man can get but please, in the name of all that’s good and holy, don’t abuse that position of power you hold over us! You have every right to feel what you feel (in every sense of the word) and you have all the more right to express your feelings. However, understand that we too experience the full complement of emotions and physical pains any given day may bring, all the more complicated with the stress, joy and every emotion in between and of the sheer worry and thought of you and the precious life you carry. Basically, we’re not asking you to bite your tongue or to “suck it up and move along” but to, once in a while, if and when you see fit, to cut us the slightest bit of slack