Failing at Post-Baby Romance?
Posted by Laurie
In Babytalk magazine’s Dec./Jan. issue, Senior Editor Shawn Bean wrote an open letter to all moms asking, “Why do some guys fail at post-baby romance?”
He’s confused by the excuses he’s heard to avoid sex: “Now now. I have to clean the vacuum.” He knows men are supposed to initiate foreplay, but writes “we’ve heard foreplay for a woman starts the day before, but you weren’t home Thursday. Should we have started without you?”
He’s happy to wait until his wife heals from delivering the baby, but what happens when that day arrives, and still no sex? Bean is right, this is the time for real talk, not just letting things go. In Sex Talk: Post-Pregnancy I wrote about how many women lie to avoid post-baby sex.
Telling the truth is a crucial first step to rebuilding your sex life, but for some couples, honesty is not enough. You both may have shared your feelings, but what if you are on different pages about whether or not sex is important in the relationship? Perhaps you were on different pages on that issue even before the baby came, but now that difference has been intensified. It won’t matter how romantic you are, if your partner doesn’t think sex matters, it’s not going to happen. So where do you go from here?
The One Question You Must Ask
Find (or make) an opportunity to be alone with your partner and muster the confidence to say, “I’ve been thinking about our sex life and I don’t expect it to be exactly the same as it was before the baby, but I think we should talk about it. On a scale of 1-10, how important do you think sex is in our relationship?”
Both of you should answer the question and talk about what the word “important” means to you. One of you might think sex is necessary, but much less important than other things. The other one might think that without a healthy sex life, you feel like you’re living as roommates, not lovemates.
If you think sex is a centerpiece of the relationship, while your partner thinks it’s a side issue, you have the difficult job of persuading your mate to join you in the middle. Explain that you feel loved through sex, or that you feel close and connected. Explain that it’s not only a physical release, but also an energizer that makes you united and stronger as a team. Sharing your feelings about why sex matters is something couples should do whether or not they have children.
Doing the Deed
After talking about the importance of sex, ask your partner what you can do to help her get in the mood. And then, do those things. Sometimes it can be as simple (or hard) as taking the little one for an hour stroll in the evening and then putting him to bed while your partner rests.
This might not sound sexy, but sex is a team effort. To make it fun for a lifetime, the team has to do more than find it’s method (the foreplay, the timing); it has to find it’s purpose (why sex matters).
Why does sex matter to you? Are you and your partner living like roommates or lovemates? Are you worried about your relationship? Do you and your partner talk about sex?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009 at 12:41 pm and is filed under Baby Prep, Health & Wellness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
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