ExpectingWords.com - Helping expecting couples find the right words at the right times

Nowadays it’s common to hear couples say “we are pregnant” not “she is pregnant” or “I am pregnant.” I can understand the sentiment of wanting to articulate the belief that both the mother and the father share the responsibility of becoming parents. But there’s a limit to what the word means. While it does mean both of you will be in the labor and delivery room, only one of you will be pushing. When you’re out to dinner with another couple, you both excitedly tell them about the upcoming bundle of joy, but while you are exhausted and praying for the check to come so you can get home before yet another trip to the bathroom, your husband would like to go out for dessert after dinner.

The instant change from being a married couple to an expectant couple brings much joy and excitement, along with new questions and problems. Many women encounter a common dilemma: What was good for us before, doesn’t feel good anymore, but somehow, I’m the only one who realizes this.

“We” is a nice word, but it can’t camouflage some real differences that need to be discussed and negotiated during pregnancy. For instance, Melissa, a first time mom-to-be, e-mailed me for help in dealing with her husband’s travel plans. When she was one month pregnant and still feeling like her normal self, her husband mentioned going on a week’s trip to Mexico six months later with two of his single high school friends. He knew he would have some time off in the Spring because of a break in his medical residency training, while she didn’t have that time off from her job. So, it made sense to him to have a “last hurrah” before the baby came. She was okay with that initially, because they had gone on a few separate vacations in the past, but two months later, when he started talking about dates for the trip, she became angry. “Why should he have a last hurrah when I don’t get one? Can’t he see that I have morning sickness and I need his comfort and attention? I’ll be sad and miss him while he’s away.” She felt badly telling him he couldn’t go because she didn’t want to be the kind of wife who orders her husband around, but the resentment and sense of being neglected were eating her up inside.

What about something as simple as another woman’s story: “My husband has always had guy nights out and I had nights out with my girlfriends. The balance worked well. But now, I’m too tired to go out with my friends while he’s always up for a weeknight plan with a buddy. It’s not fair anymore.”

During pregnancy both of you are adjusting to a new way of life and this is your 9-month trial period to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills. To do this, you and your husband should have a serious conversation about how pregnancy has changed each one’s daily life: the specific things you do and don’t do anymore, the new feelings, including physical and mental stresses. Talk about yourself, not the ways he has or has not accommodated your needs. Recognize that your husband does not know what you don’t tell him. He cannot read your mind. If you haven’t expressed yourself to him, then he has good reason to continue making the same choices he made before you were pregnant. Be sure to ask your partner to share with you how he has or has not changed as well. You may be surprised to discover that he has new stresses and habits too.

Once both of you have shared the reality of how your lives are different, it’s time to discuss how those changes affect the relationship. You might describe how you feel when you are sitting home alone in front of the television with back pain while your husband is out with the guys. Are you sad that you are not out too? Are you constantly looking at the clock hoping he’ll get home before you go to sleep? You can ask for some sort of compromise about the time he’ll come home or how often he’ll go out without you. If he had originally planned to go away with a friend for a week, like Melissa’s husband, then explain that you want to share in the last hurrah. You don’t want to feel like the only way he can have fun is with a friend, not with you. Perhaps you can take a day or two off of work and you can both go away for a long weekend, instead of him going to Mexico.

The key to finding a new balance is that both of you have to share information about how your feelings and your lives are changing. If you rely on “he should know how I feel. I shouldn’t have to tell him,” I promise you that he won’t know and you will become resentful of this. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Talk, share, listen and ask for a compromise. After all, “we” are in this together.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 30th, 2009 at 11:48 am and is filed under Balance & Fairness, Roles & Responsibilities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.