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In the last year, while writing this blog, I’ve also been penning the manuscript for my next relationship advice book, “Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In,” which will be published by Rodale on October 12, 2010.  Not surprisingly, while writing the manuscript, I had my own relationship ups and downs and I share some of  them in the book.  One of our funny-in-retrospect-only stories is about take-out and I thought I’d share it with you today.

To be fair, my marriage was in pretty good shape when we had the “take-out” incident.  My husband and I are a great team, but at times (like all couples) we are no match for the demands of our toddler son.  Stress from a little one can wear down anyone’s patience and test any marriage’s mettle.

Several months ago, I had a tiring day of work, and my husband had his usual high-pressure day as an equities trader.  The evening arrived and we fell into our typical routine.   Our son was on the verge of walking and he was trying to climb everything in sight.  One of us, therefore, needed to pay very close attention to him at all times to make sure he was safe.  As usual, it was me who ended up being on surveillance duty.  My husband was nearby, but somehow I was the one “in charge.”  We had never verbally agreed to this division of power.  It just happened.  When I would use the bathroom or make a phone call, I had a nagging guilty feeling that I had to rush back to my duties.

On this seemingly uneventful night, we ordered take-out Chinese food and my husband announced that he would go pick it up.  As I was left stranded at home, again, I became angry.  “Dammit, I want to get out of the house for 15 minutes to get the take-out!  I want to do the errands!”  But I didn’t say this to my husband because it felt wrong.  And so I slept on it.

By the next morning I was prepared for a difficult conversation.  I couldn’t blame my husband for the situation; I had tacitly agreed to it.  And the truth is, how could he know what I wanted if I never said it.  Now was the time to re-negotiate our evening parenting responsibilities.  I took my own advice as a family mediator and I revealed my feelings without blaming him.  I told him that I wasn’t asking for him to be in charge all of the time, or even half of the time.  I just needed him to spend a portion of each night as the truly responsible party, so I could have a chance to truly relax, knowing our son was well taken care of.

I’m not kidding when I tell you this:  From that day forward, my husband stepped up to the plate.  He’s created fun little games with our son that they play every night.  They have their own sayings and jokes.  When our son needs his diaper changed during the “Daddy play period,” my husband does it, without yelling for my help.   Our evenings as a family are more rewarding for everyone.

This story reminds me that sometimes you get what you ask for.  I wonder whether other couples have faced the same problem with de facto division of labor. 

Before you had a child did you think you and your mate would divide things 50/50?  How did it work out?  Did you have to negotiate for what you wanted?

A portion of this blog post was originally published as a guest post on The Laughing Stork with Candy Kirby.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 29th, 2010 at 2:11 pm and is filed under Balance & Fairness, Roles & Responsibilities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.