ExpectingWords.com - Helping expecting couples find the right words at the right times

Now that you’re expecting, it’s the perfect time to tune up your communication habits. Focus on improving these five factors and you’ve put your relationship on the right path for success.

1. Verbal Communication
Remember when it was a good thing that you and your partner could finish each other’s sentences? Not anymore. If you find yourself thinking that you know what your partner’s going to say, or you know what the excuse will be, you’re on a dangerous path. You’re likely to become angry at mistakes that have a valid explanation, resentful of unintentional neglect, or even frustrated with behaviors that actually have a legitimate purpose. It’s time to stop assuming and start asking. Your new favorite words should be: Why? What? How? and “I don’t think I understand. Can you explain?” Be a detective and find out what’s really going on.

2. Conflict Resolution
Are you one of those people who find themselves in the same bickering argument time and again? If so, there is a way out! I find that most people on a conflict treadmill forget one very important part of resolving a dispute. While they expend energy arguing about the cause, or who is to blame, they don’t discuss the most important thing – a solution to make sure the issue doesn’t arise again. If you’re arguing with your partner because he or she’s made plans for both of you without asking you first, it’s of crucial importance that you talk about how to handle this in the future. Will both of you agree not to make plans for the other without getting approval first? Will you be happy to see family on a moment’s notice, but you’d rather be consulted before your partner makes plans with friends? Think about bickering as an opportunity to sit down and talk about a prevention method that works for both of you.

3. Being Helpful versus Judgmental
When you’re angry at yourself because you lost your keys, do you really want your mate to tell you that he or she would expect you to lose them because your mind has been all over the place lately? Of course not, since those words are judgmental and they only cause resentment. Wouldn’t you rather hear, “It’s only keys. Thank goodness you gave an extra set to the neighbor.” Or, after a little support, getting some advice: “Maybe we should put an extra set under a rock in the back of the house.” The point is that whenever your partner makes a mistake, you want to be supportive and helpful, not critical. But, you don’t have to bend over backwards to excuse their error. For instance, if someone is mad at your partner, don’t say “How could he be mad at you? I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong.” You don’t want to be a false support for your mate. Be honest and helpful, ask “why do you think he’s mad at you?” and then, don’t blame your partner, help him or her come up with a solution.

4. Decision-making
How are decisions made in your relationship? Who decides whether to move to a bigger place or to stay put? How are you deciding the budget for the baby’s room? What are the weekend plans? Now that there’s a new baby involved, most decisions will affect both parents and you’ve got to find a way to make good decisions together. The first thing to do is to talk to your mate about how certain independent decisions should now become joint decisions. Moving from a state of “me” to “we” takes a real awareness of which things (like hosting a five-hour poker game or splurging on an expensive gym membership) require two yeses for them to happen. Once you know which things should be joint decisions, talk about how to make sure this happens. When put on the spot to make a decision about spending time with friends, or purchasing a gift, say “Let me think about that. I’d like to talk to my partner first.” This powerful comment is a hallmark of good joint decision-making.

5. Managing Priorities
When you start your family, priorities often come into conflict. You love your family, friends, sports and other activities. You want time and money for all of these things. But life doesn’t give you unlimited resources. You will have to make some tough choices and in all likelihood your and your partner’s priorities will differ. Now that’s okay, as long as you both agree to the situation. Before you have a baby and afterward, it’s very important to talk about how each of you will spend the evening and weekend time. What’s the priority? Hopefully, it’s the baby and each other. What does this mean for each of you? What compromises can you make? What would make you resentful? This is a difficult but important conversation and once you get through it you will know what to expect and you can hold your partner to it.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 5th, 2009 at 2:08 pm and is filed under Balance & Fairness, Emotional Support, Verbal Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.