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I came across the following post on the babycenter.com message board and since I’ve heard about many pregnant women in similar MIL “it’s complicated” relationships, I decided to share some advice. What’s your advice for her?

mommietobe14
Posted 7/13/09

“I’ve known my MIL my entire life and she’s a really nice person. However, I feel that [she] wants to “take over” with baby planning. She irritates me with her thoughts and suggestions, and I get the feeling that she wants a major part in our baby’s life (more than just the normal grandparents visits. Our ways of life are somewhat different and I really don’t want my kid to be influenced by certain things she does. She has no one else (my husband’s her only kid, she’s retired and divorced). She’s been the type that’s helped everyone in her family and now she’s sooo excited about taking over our kid. I am not feeling it at all! I don’t even want her there when the baby’s born! I feel like I am being the wicked daughter, but I don’t know what to do! My Mom, whom I love dearly, may not be able to help much due to some health reasons, but I am okay with whatever she can do. But my MIL is driving me crazy! Is it just me?? Let me know whatcha think ladies!!”

Hi mommietobe14,

I suggest that you take a step back from your MIL. From what you write, she seems well-intentioned, just overbearing. Keep a slight distance by letting your husband make the phone calls to her and then you can get on the phone for five minutes when he’s finished talking to her. Try to return her phone calls at a time when your husband is home too so you can chat briefly and then pass the phone to him.

Also, discuss the over-bearing dilemma with your husband and come up with some constructive things that your MIL can do to help both of you. Give her a job like picking out some clothes for the newborn, or helping your husband find a toy chest for the baby’s room. She will appreciate having a use for her excitement. If your husband doesn’t want to talk to her on the phone and doesn’t want her help on anything, that’s between him and her. You do not have to cover for him or compensate for his lack of interest in his own mother. If your MIL blames you anyway, so be it. Just make sure your husband knows that you and the baby come before his mother.

With regard to unwanted advice, don’t get angry, that’s just a waste of energy. Instead, use a standard answer so she gets the point. Say something like, “Thank you for your opinion. I’ll think about it.”

If she hasn’t done anything horrible to you and she wants to come to the hospital when you give birth, you should accept that, but when and how she sees you is in your control. Talk to your husband about setting a rule that no one comes into the delivery room but him and the medical staff. You could also plan that after you are moved to your recovery room, you only want visitors for a few minutes. Let your husband know that it is his job to enforce these rules because you will be too weak to deal with it at the time. If your mom is there and you want her to stay with you longer, that’s fine. Your mother’s tender love and care is special and you don’t have to pretend that it’s identical to your MIL’s care.

The goal is to strike a balance. Don’t be a doormat, but don’t be aggressive toward her either because after your baby’s birth, you might just find that her helping hands are truly helpful. Your mother-in-law isn’t trying to hurt you, she’s just trying to love her grandchild, though it might smother you a bit in the process.

So what’s your advice for mommietob14?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 5th, 2009 at 1:27 pm and is filed under Emotional Support, Family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.