Over-sharing: Setting Boundaries on What’s Public or Private
Posted by Laurie
My husband and I were out to dinner with another couple, Sarah and Tom, who we hadn’t seen for almost a year. It was a fun night out for all of us – we had a babysitter at home with our little one and our friends had a sitter for their 2-year old. Deciding to make the most of it, we ordered a bottle of wine and joyfully lifted our glasses for a toast. Tom started, “To good friends, good health and especially to my wife Sarah who recently lost 20 pounds and looks fabulous!” Sarah’s smile instantly evaporated, leaving her with a blank stare. I knew why, yet her husband Tom didn’t have a clue. For many women, including Sarah, any comment about their weight or age is off limits. What Tom meant as a compliment embarrassed and upset Sarah. The toast was over and I quickly commented on the terrific wine we chose and opened my menu. I was pretty sure Sarah and Tom were going to have something to talk about later that night!
It’s not uncommon to find that one person in a couple is an “over-sharer” who reveals things about weight, finances, health or marital arguments that the other person wants to keep secret. It might be that the wife over-shares by telling her mom about a fight she had with her husband, or perhaps the husband tells his friends a little too much about your financial situation. Without intending any harm, people over-share because each member of a couple assumes that the other member has the same sense of what is public and what should be kept private. This assumption about identical public/private boundaries is guaranteed to cause conflict because it’s seldom that partners have the same boundaries, even when the couple absolutely love and adore each other. The only way to prevent over-sharing is to talk it out in advance and plan ahead so you and your partner protect, rather than embarrass or anger, each other.
How can you actually plan ahead? You can plan ahead by using these three conversation steps with your partner:
1) Ask your partner to sit down with you so you can talk about each one’s general expectations about sharing personal information with your parents, friends, siblings and co-workers.
2) Then, find out which topics are absolute sharing no-no’s such as comments about your sex life, weight, marital arguments, incomes, savings, etc. Establish a comfort zone so that you and your honey know that these things will never be brought up to others.
3) Lastly be sure to discuss in advance whether or not it’s okay to comment on new personal issues that pop up, like losing a job, becoming pregnant, getting a raise, deciding to move homes, etc. Make no assumptions about whether your partner knows which things are private and which are public. When something personal does pop up, view it as a “red-flag alert” reminding you to say to your mate, “this is just between the two of us.” An ounce of prevention goes a long way.
I know this all sounds very business-like when relationships are supposed to be loving and romantic, but I suggest you try this method anyway. I am confident you will discover that it helps you and your honey eliminate unnecessary conflict and strengthen the trust and connection in your relationship.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 24th, 2009 at 7:00 am and is filed under Family, Public vs. Private, Roles & Responsibilities. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
my DH always tells my MIL about how i’m taking care of myself, like what I’m eating or whether I’m exercising. Then she gets mad at me because she thinks I should be taking better care of myself. I take very good care of myself, but I can never satisfy my MIL. I will definitely take this advice and make sure my DH knows which topics not to talk about with his mother.
I wholeheartedly agree with Becky. I might as well copy her comment verbatim.