Sex Talk: Post-Pregnancy
Posted by Laurie
What really goes on behind the bedroom doors? I interviewed 12 women from around the country and found out that lies and more lies rest between those satin sheets. Let’s just say that names have been changed to protect the guilty.
“I went to the doctor six weeks after I gave birth and he told me it was okay for me to start having sex again. Yeah right!” said Sarah from New York in response to her doctor’s suggestion. “I was exhausted and my boobs were for one person only – the baby. When I got home I might have twisted the truth just a bit. I told my husband that the doctor said I had to wait two more months.”
Jodi from Los Angeles shared, “A couple months after I had a C-section, we had sex again,” “Five months later, I’m still rarely in the mood, but I pretend I am because he does things for me that he doesn’t really want to do. It’s only fair. Plus, sex puts him in a better mood, which makes both of our lives better. Sometimes I’ll even initiate sex in the morning knowing it will lead to us having a good day together. Sometimes I get the sense that If I don’t have sex with him he feels like I don’t love him.”
“Once I got pregnant we only had sex on the weekends,” explained Rachel from Philadelphia. “I was just too tired during the week. My husband totally understood. But we both thought things would go back to normal after the baby came. That didn’t happen. It really hurt when we had sex. The doctor told me to just keep having sex and my body would get used to it. So, I decided not to mention the discomfort anymore to my husband. We kept having sex and within a couple months, it felt good again.”
The message was clear: Sex during pregnancy was good, but there was less of it, and it took a while after pregnancy for sex to feel good again because of exhaustion, breastfeeding and vaginal discomfort. What startled me most was not the temporary change in people’s sex lives; it was that so many of the women lied to their partner.
Robin from New York lied to protect her husband’s feelings: “I knew my husband was hurt that I didn’t want to have sex with him, so I blamed the doctor.” Another new mom lied because she worried that the truth would make her less appealing: “If he knew what was going on down there, he wouldn’t have been attracted to me for a long time to come. So, I kept that information to myself and we had sex sooner than I would have liked.”
The problem with lying is that it is a shortcut to a bad relationship. Men can handle the truth and we underestimate them by lying. The reality is that if you want your man to be a full partner in the relationship, then he has to know all the facts to help make the right choices. If he’s pressuring you for sex, but you haven’t sat down and had a difficult, somewhat embarrassing emotional conversation about what sex feels like for you right now, then it’s your fault if he’s being a jerk. Share your feelings, physical pains and discomforts, just enough so that your partner can understand the sacrifice you are making for the family. Let him know that this is only temporary and you can’t wait to be ripe for love again.
And for the men, I’m not giving you a free pass either. Do you realize how uncomfortable it is for you wife to talk about what is going on inside of her? Do you know that whether or not your wife had a c-section, the hormone changes resulting from breastfeeding can make sex downright painful for some? You have to step up to the plate and give your wife the reassurance that even if the doctor gives an okay to sex at the 6-week post-birth appointment, you are comfortable with waiting until she feels ready. Remember, she is on your team. Don’t you think she is disappointed that it takes a few months for her body to heal? She would love to be less exhausted and in the mood for sex like she was before the little bundle of joy arrived. You have to ask her to be honest with you and then support whatever you hear.
Now let me add a little optimism to this post: Almost all of the women said that within a year after pregnancy, their sex lives returned to “normal,” whatever that was for them. So remember that the effect of pregnancy on one’s sex life is temporary, at least until the next baby comes along…
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
Mayo Clinic, Sex after pregnancy: Let your body set the pace
Baby Center, Sex after Childbirth
About.com, 10 Tips for Great Postpartum Sex
Related Blog Posts & Discussion Forums -
TwitterMoms, Sex After Birth
Type-A Mom, Sex After Birth
BlissTree, Lost Libido? Normal Sex After Childbirth
BlogTalkRadio, Is There Sex After Birth
ParentsConnect, Baby Message Board: Sex After Birth
CafeMom, Did You Wait Six Weeks to Have Sex After Giving Birth?
This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 28th, 2009 at 12:46 pm and is filed under Emotional Support, Health & Wellness, Self-Image, Verbal Communication. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
Men need to be informed, just like women of what goes on with women after child birth. Unfortunately most of the time it’s up to the women to be informative. My husband had a close of and ugly view of it as he had to help clean me up after the birth of my last child.
S’funny thing was.. my 3rd baby was a boy and I absolutely could not wait until my doctor gave the go ahead. But then it had been quite a while because I wasn’t able to the last few months of pregnancy. I thought maybe it had something to do with having a boy…