Struggling to Conceive: How to Halt the Advice-Givers
Posted by Laurie
In my recent blog post “Behind Closed Doors: Trying to Conceive,” I wrote about how insensitive people can be to those who are trying to get pregnant for a long period of time. I was surprised and impressed by my readers’ honest responses to the post. They shared their frustrating and hurtful experiences dealing with rude comments and unnecessary advice during a time that is already difficult and disappointing. Each story is compelling and reminds us how few people really think before they speak.
One comment stood out for me because I sensed that the writer’s spirit was being beaten down by the struggle and burden of her friends and family’s comments. She had a wish and I’ve decided to grant it for her, rather I’ve given her the words so she can grant it for herself.
M Says:
“My husband and I are currently TTC and we have hit many bumps on the road – including a false positive on a pregnancy test. The hardest part of all this comes from the family. At first, we kept our attempts a secret because we didn’t want to deal with people knowing. Of course, then people would say how much better off we were waiting to have children – without knowing the struggles we were facing. When we finally told everyone we were trying – all the advice automatically generates.
I can’t stand it when people give me advice about how to have a baby. “Don’t try so hard” they say. “Are you taking your temp daily?” they ask. I can’t stand it. No one knows what we are going through, except for two other people. Personally, it’s none of their business. I wish I could find a nice way to tell them to back off and butt out – but I can’t. Instead I sit there with my mouth shut and it keeps on going. I think everyone should read this article. It’s ridiculous what we have to go through with people who have no knowledge of our struggles to get pregnant.”
Dear M,
It must be so energy-draining to deal with people’s insensitive remarks on a regular basis. You wrote that “I wish I could find a nice way to tell them to back off and butt out.” I’m going to answer your wish.
To begin, you have to change your mindset about being “nice.” Being nice usually means being a doormat by letting others say and do as the please because you don’t want to stir things up. Well honey, things are being stirred up in you. Don’t discount yourself and the peace and kindness that you deserve from others. Stop trying to be nice. This doesn’t mean you should be aggressive and tell people off when they ask you whether you’re using an ovulation predictor kit. Being aggressive will only stir more things up in both of you.
The solution is to be assertive. Respect and protect yourself without stepping on other people’s toes. Here is a script for what you can say to let people know you are not interested in their advice:
“I know that you have good intentions and want to help, but your advice doesn’t help, it just bothers me. When I do want advice, I will ask you. Can you understand this?”
And then let your words hang in the air. Don’t backtrack or minimize what you said. Just keep telling yourself, I am saying this to him/her because I respect and protect myself. You want your comments to sink in so they are remembered in the days to come.
The listener will probably respond with “I understand, if that’s what you want,” or “Alright, I was only trying to help.” Then, just change the topic. It will feel awkward, and that’s okay. You will feel a lot less awkward in the future when you talk to this person and know that she or he won’t suddenly unleash some fertility advice, reminding you of your struggles.
What’s your advice for M? How would you tell people to back off?
This entry was posted on Monday, July 27th, 2009 at 6:59 pm and is filed under Emotional Support, Public vs. Private, TTC (Trying To Conceive). You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
I’ve recently been through a miscarriage and I’ve had to listen to a lot of people telling me what I should do to get pregnant the next time, which, of course, made me feel kind of bad (and guilty) because of expressions like “now you’ll have the opportunity to be more carefull”, like I wasn’t carefull enough the last time and although they said it wasn’t my fault, this kind of says the opposite.
However, I feel like most people are really trying to help, they just don’t know how, and adding awkwardness to our relationship with them won’t really solve much.
I’ve found that I don’t have to tell them that they bother me to make things better. Every time someone says something I don’t like (nor need) I tell them what I do need, like “I know you’re trying to help, but, believe me, we’re getting all the professional advise we can and have read a lot about the subject. What I really need from you is your support, and I know I have it, thank you”… or something like that.
Another thing that also helps me is when other women tell me their experiences not like trying to “teach” me, but more like wanting to share and acompany me. Sometimes I also ask for that.
Here’s the way I see it. To announce that you are TTC is exactly like announce that you indeed have sex regularly and you do not use any contraceptives.
Both seem to me very personal and sensitive information that personally I never share with anybody else. As a matter of fact people usually don’t share this kind of information with me neither and if they do, it is rather an exception.
So if you feel comfortable about sharing this with others, why aren’t you comfortable about discussing it or answering them honestly?
Something here is just not right.
There are topics that just not for everyone – sex, death, money etc.
I can so relate to this topic. I got so much advice when we were TTC that when I bought my ovulation predictor kit, Ovu-trac, I was chastised for TRYING TOO HARD and NOT LETTING WHAT WILL HAPPEN, HAPPEN!!! They did not understand how frustrated we were!!! And to hear that my purchase was a waste of money! It was useless to tell them the benefits of the kit, being reuseable, saliva based, and individual to my body chemistry. What it really did was help me relax which is key in conceiving! These well-wishers just stressed me out which was counterproductive!!