ExpectingWords.com - Helping expecting couples find the right words at the right times

When I learned I was pregnant, my husband and I were in joyous disbelief. Sure we had been trying, but as is true for many couples, it’s hard to believe it when it actually happens. I peed on four different sticks to make sure I was really seeing a pink line. It felt so strange to think that a little pink line represented our child. Once the reality of being pregnant sunk in, my husband and I sat down on the living room couch and talked about how drastically our lives would change with this first child. Then we talked about the most pressing issue – when to announce the pregnancy to others. We wanted to do the “right” thing, but what does right mean?

As a family mediator, author and communication expert, I put on my expert hat and developed a comprehensive list of considerations. First, the most common consideration: Waiting until the chance for miscarriage is small. By now, you probably know the critical milestones of first trimester pregnancy – seeing the heartbeat on an ultrasound at 6 – 8 weeks (about 2 months) and hearing the heartbeat with a fetal monitor around your belly at 12 or 13 weeks (about 3 months). The risk of miscarriage decreases substantially after you can hear the heartbeat. If you are considering sharing the news before that, then you and your partner do need to think through how you would also handle telling people about a miscarriage. If that happened, would you want close friends or just immediate family to know so they can support and help you mentally and physically? Would you want people in your office to know so they understand why you need to take some time off? Or, would you find it difficult to receive congratulatory phone calls from friends and acquaintances to which you’d respond by sharing the painful news? Would you want it to be something that only you and your husband know because you don’t want sympathy from others? Think about how you would react to others knowing about something that is extremely personal.

Now that we’ve gotten the most common consideration down, here are some less talked about, but equally important real life issues to discuss with your partner before making a decision about when to share the news:

Can you keep a secret?
Or, for that matter, can your partner? There are some people who, no matter the issue, cannot keep their mouth shut. I have a friend who meant to keep it a secret. She woke up each morning and intended to say nothing about it, but it was on the tip of her tongue all day and after a week she was feeling sick to her stomach with the stress of secrecy. She blurted it out to her co-workers on the eighth day. Naturally, her husband was upset with her because she told others without telling him that she was going to share the news. My friend should have known she can’t keep a secret and let that influence the original decision.

Why steal the attention?
Did anyone else in your immediate family just get engaged, or, is a sibling or in-law just a few weeks away from getting married? Does your sister have her bridal shower this weekend? Is your brother and sister-in-law having a baby any day now? These are all important life cycle events and each deserves its due attention. Why not wait a few weeks, let this family member have his or her moment and then you can share your news and become the new center of attention. There’s no reason not to be generous with attention if it only means you wait a few weeks to share something that will be just as exciting later as it would be now.

Do your other children or child know?
If this new baby will not be your first, do you want to spread the news far and wide before you tell your other child or children? Think about what would happen if someone unwittingly congratulates you in front of your child, particularly if he or she is old enough to understand what it means. It’s not healthy for a child to get a sense that his parents are keeping a secret from him. This is a good reason to keep the news to yourselves, or to share it only with people you can trust not to mention it to others and to be discreet around your family.

Is it bad luck to tell early?
I’m not one to believe in bad luck, but that’s not what matters. If you or partner thinks it is bad luck to tell before you have your first visit to the doctor, or before the second trimester, then you must take that as a real concern. If something happens, will you or your partner feel regret, guilt or blame the partner for sharing the news? Both of you need to agree on the decision of timing, so if one of you wants to wait for fear of bad luck, that’s a good reason to wait.

How much advice do you want?
If you tell people early on, you get eight months of constant suggestions and old wives’ tales- do this, do that, don’t eat cheese, eat yogurt, don’t take a long car ride, don’t go on a plane, you shouldn’t bend down, you shouldn’t exercise…. If you tell people later, you can do what you want without comments or a crooked glance for a few more months.

Alright, now that I’ve listed the considerations, I’ll tell you what we did. My husband and I decided to tell immediate family about two weeks after I found out I was pregnant. We wanted to share our excitement with them and we knew we could count on their support if anything should happen. We asked them not to spread the news until we told them it was okay to do so. Once I hit second trimester we made it public, and it was the most fantastic feeling to share the news and feel other people’s excitement for us.

Whatever you and your partner decide, just know that there is no “right” decision. What’s best for you and your partner may be different from what’s best for another couple. Use this decision as an opportunity to have an open and honest “parenting” conversation with your partner. The better you get at understanding and sharing what you and your partner need and want, the better your relationship will be.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 16th, 2009 at 4:52 pm and is filed under Family, Public vs. Private. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.