Why Moms Can Be Meanies
Posted by Laurie
Is there something about having a child that makes a woman feel like she’s superior to others? That’s what you might think considering how often moms judge other moms for making “bad” decisions. Now I’m not talking about dangerous decisions, just ones that someone might not agree with, like deciding not to breastfeed, or to put your child in day care, or to have a child when you’re “too young” or “too old,” to let your child watch television, to enroll her in too many activities or too few, or to work full-time or part-time, or to exercise too little or too much during pregnancy. You name it and there are plenty of moms out there willing to shame you for it.
What’s got me started on this topic? A woman named Donna commented on my blog post “The Top 5 Rude Comments Pregnant Women Field.” She wrote, “I’m finding a lot of hostility toward a planned c-section. Maybe I’m just defensive, but people seem to give me the third degree about why I’m doing it and telling me that vaginal birth isn’t that bad. And frankly, I don’t want to share all my medical issues with them and debate what my doctors and I have decided is healthiest for both me and the baby.”
Even before that comment saddened me, I had read another one from Jane, over at His Boys Can Swim. She had 
posted about her decision to stop breastfeeding her 6-week old son because she began taking medication for Postpartum Depression. The response? Most blog commenters were supportive, but some were meanies and others were such bullies that they didn’t even post their comments, they sent them directly to Jane, attacking her anonymously. Jane’s husband wrote that:
“People [are] telling her that she’s giving up too soon, that she’s using PPD as an excuse to stop breastfeeding, that she really doesn’t have PPD and that it’s normal for her to feel this way, that she should suck it up and keep breastfeeding Monkey [their son] because formula is pure poison, and yet another who claims to have no respect for any woman who chooses not or stops breastfeeding for any reason whatsoever.”
Are you kidding me? What is going on? Why are moms so mean to each other? Does having a child make some women incapable of understanding that there are many loving ways to have, care for and raise a child?
At least it’s not all bad. Over at Dooce Heather has received soooo much hate mail that her friend made a suggestion:
“You should monetize the shit out of it. Collect all the crap that people say about you, put it on a single page, and then litter the entire thing with ads. And I was all, I don’t know as [my husband] Jon immediately turned to [my friend’s] husband Derek and asked, ‘May I borrow your laptop, I’ve got a bit of coding to do.’”
Drum roll please, Monitizing the Hate.
Why do you think some moms are meanies? Are they insecure or ego-driven? Do they think they are speaking for the voiceless children or do they just want to feel good about themselves by putting other people down? Are these moms teaching their kids to be bullies?
This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 29th, 2009 at 4:49 pm and is filed under Balance & Fairness, Emotional Support. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.
Loved your post ! I have been on the recieving end of mean moms alot. I have a 5 year old son who has Autism when he was much younger I used to keep him on a baby harness so that he would not run off on me. The other problem was if he did run off he would not come back to his name …you could call him till you where blue in the face and he wouldn’t even turn. I had one mother tell me I was treating me son like a dog. Another told me I was being cruel. I was trying to protect my son from being taken or getting hurt. I have dealt with alot of comments since then about my parenting and my son’s behaviour. What I have learned is you have to shut out comments like that and trust that you are doing your very best for your child and for yourself. I hope that some of those mean moms have some one say something to them they might feel different on the receiving end of a comment or two.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:43 amSAHM are the WORST! It has been my experience as a SAHD, Child care giver, and then a computer tech with a SAHM spouse (ex wife now) that SAHM are mean. They build their life around how great their children are since they have few if an accomplishments of their own to talk about and belittle everyone around them. When i was a SAHD I was criticized for being at home, that i couldn’t possible care about my son more than his mother, that i was lazy (for being at home) and they were just as rude and vindictive to my exwife. Not all SAHM are mean and not all working moms are peaches, BUT overall it has been my experience that SAHM are just plain mean.
September 30th, 2009 at 8:48 amLove this post!! I too have been on the receiving end of some criticism for decisions I’ve made with regards to my son, Jackson (13 months). I was attacked during the pregnancy for gaining too much weight and inducing labor (because the week I was due my mother would be out of the country for work, my husband was going to be in CA for work, and my doctor was going on vacation so I would have a sub!). I was chastised for only nursing for 10 days before deciding the best thing for the baby would be formula.
I think many women feel like THEIR experience and THEIR choices must be the only way to do things simply because for their particular situation it worked. Often times, and this applies to anyone, the ones who are quick to criticize and judge are the same people who are insecure about themselves or choices they have made. The key is to take all the negativity with a grain of salt and be confidant with your choices as a parent. Evey child is different, and every family is different. There is no right or wrong answer, it’s just what works best for you. People who waist their time judging you simply have nothing better to focus on in their own lives.
September 30th, 2009 at 1:03 pmI feel like people do the same thing to dog owners! I got a puppy over the summer, and SO many people would come up to me with comments about the leash I was using, or the way I was training- and seriously, it was nice at first but after a while it got SO annoying! Mind your own business, this is MY dog.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:16 pmit is all so true. i am 22 years old and everybody is making me feel horrible about been pregnant at my early age. I got married at 18 and a baby at 22. I understand their anxiety about not knowing if my life would be difficult with a baby, but hey! I can handle it. Thank you for your words.
October 1st, 2009 at 1:15 pmI think it’s natural, unfortunately, to compare ourselves to others and make judgements… But do we all have to say every little thing we think?! Jeez!
And to Marilyn… It’s ironic, but 22 used to be considered a perfectly reasonable age to have a baby! I’m sorry people are giving you grief.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:12 pmI find that most of the meany moms are moms who don’t have a lot of mothering experience yet. Experience has a way of knocking you down a few pegs.
I think that, because the current generation (of moms with young kids) was raised to think they can do anything they put their minds to, this generation believes their parenting must be perfect, and believes it’s totally okay to slam others for their “imperfect” parenting. Again, having your kid reject your organic oatmeal in favor of some Froot Loops might help these moms be a little more gentle and understanding with others.
What’s most sad about it is that new motherhood is a time fraught with nerves and anxiety and sleeplessness and uncertainty, and it’s the time when a little support and love and encouragement would be most welcomed. My heart breaks for any mom who’s had that type of meanness directed at her.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:37 pmVincent Rose, that’s an awful lot of generalization, stereotype, and hostility.
October 8th, 2009 at 2:51 pmI LOVE that you wrote about this.
LOVE IT.
As a doula, and a childbirth educator, I deal with a lot of the issues moms feel ‘bullied’ about. And it’s funny that so much of our grief and shame is being cause by other women, and mothers to boot?
I think there is a point where it’s okay to discuss something with someone, and a point where your job is either to walk away with well wishes, or stand up and be supportive. I don’t know when it got to be okay for moms to be so judgmental to one another.
We all have a few causes that are sacred to us– but when did a cause become more important than basic human respect??
I spend my days supporting mothers’ decisions, regardless of whether I agree with them or not. Because they’re not my decisions, and I vow to be supportive to moms during the hard parts– funny how they’re all hard parts when other people are watching.
Thanks for the post. Needs to be said more.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:04 pmI am on the receiving end of alot of criticism because I didn’t breastfeed my 2 boys and now that I’m pregnant again with a little girl I know I won’t be breastfeeding this time either. People want to get all on your case about it, but they have no idea why I’m not and don’t even bother to ask. I CAN”T! The doctor has told me absolutely not. It could cause health problems for the baby. I know it sounds crazy but it’s true. So, if any of you out there hassle new moms about it, maybe you should take the time to find out why and respect their reasons for it.
January 14th, 2010 at 1:11 pmThank you all so much for sharing your stories about how you’ve been on the receiving end of meanie moms. It takes guts to stand up to those obnoxious looks and comments. I applaud you for being strong and making the decisions that are best for you and your family without regard for others’ opinions. And now I’ll share my story: my 1.5 year old still uses a bottle sometimes. There, I admit it! Please, don’t judge me for it. But if you do, I don’t care!
January 17th, 2010 at 10:05 pmLaurie